Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said.. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend...
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." Said Bob..
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out,'I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
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I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said,"Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?" He said,"Reformed Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.
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%(#BF0000)[A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. “Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?” he asks.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure.”
“Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.
“No, I can remember it.”
“Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?”
He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?” she asks.
Irritated, he says, “I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
“Where's my toast?]%(#008040)[An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”
The other man asked, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that's the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”]%(#4040BF)[Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
“I don't know,” he said. “She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”]%(#00BF00)[A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, “So I hear you're getting married?”
“Yep!”
“Do I know her?”
“Nope!”
“This woman, is she good looking?”
“Not really.”
“Is she a good cook?”
“Naw, she can't cook too well.”
“Does she have lots of money?”
“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”
“Well, then, is she good in bed?”
“I don't know.”
“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”
“Because she can still drive!”]%(#804000)[A man was telling his neighbour, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.”
“Really, answered the neighbour. “What kind is it?”
“Twelve thirty.”]%(#8000BF)[Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You're really doing great, aren't you?”
Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’''
The doctor said, “I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'”]A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”
“No,” he replied, “Arthritis.” -
I changed my iPod name to Titanic . It's syncing now.
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From local (likes CAPS) publican
FIRST QUESTION:
YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE
THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST, THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE! TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME. NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION, BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK? SECOND QUESTION: IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....? (SCROLL DOWN) ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE..... WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON?? YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU? THIRD QUESTION: VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE: THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY. DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR. TRY IT. TAKE&nb sp;1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30. ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL? SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER..... ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ DID YOU GET 5000? THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100... IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR! TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT? MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT.... MAYBE... FOURTH QUESTION: MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS: 1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4. NONO, AND ??? 2 WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER? ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T. HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN! OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND, I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF: A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH. BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE. NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS? ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT... DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK?? IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST! ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE! HAVE A NICE DAY, ONE AND ALL. -
That math item has got me so confused....
Is this the key phrase: "TAKE&nb sp;1000"? And what does it really mean?
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[off:2vks7agi]
means"non breakable space"and usually used in html code to insert a dummy space between two tags to make sure they are not empty (like<p> </p>to insert a "non empty still sort of empty" paragraph) or as "space holders" between (say) two buttons (although this should rather be done in CSS).Though it may have been confusing ("as if" there should have been something there but lost during coding), eventually there's no loss.
Here are some examples from the forum's source code...
[/off:2vks7agi] -
@gaieus said:
[off:vspliyy4]
means"non breakable space"and usually used in html code to insert a dummy space between two tags to make sure they are not empty (like<p> </p>to insert a "non empty still sort of empty" paragraph) or as "space holders" between (say) two buttons (although this should rather be done in CSS).Though it may have been confusing ("as if" there should have been something there but lost during coding), eventually there's no loss.
Here are some examples from the forum's source code...
[attachment=0:vspliyy4]<!-- ia0 -->nbsp.png<!-- ia0 -->[/attachment:vspliyy4][/off:vspliyy4]
Great joke Gai!I got it anyway.
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I must insist is very much on topic, both as being in the OP and in my smokescreen response...
After 15 or so attempts I was able to make the complex addition and get the 'approved' answer, without a calculator....
but I may well have added incorrectly.
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@unknownuser said:
I changed my iPod name to Titanic . It's syncing now.
I was once an IBM Research Fellow in the UK. I worked with an experimental CAD terminal - real high-resolution, a whole 1024x1204 8bpp, but this was after all in 1981 - which was developed as part of an internal company competition to produce the next IBM CAD hardware product. It was called the Titanic because everyone knew it would never cross the Atlantic...
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What are the names of the children of Einstein?
Zweistein and Dreistein...
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@gaieus said:
What are the names of the children of Einstein?
Zweistein and Dreistein...
i admit.. i don't get this joke at all
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Ole and Lena were sitting in church. During the sermon Lena passed Ole a note. It said, "I yust let a silent fart. Vhat should I do?" Ole turned the paper over and wrote, "Vell, da first ting is change da battery in yer hearing aid."
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@unknownuser said:
i admit.. i don't get this joke at all
In German language,
Ein = 1
Zwei = 2
Drei = 3(Stein = stone but that has nothing to do with the joke)
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@gaieus said:
:lol:
@unknownuser said:
i admit.. i don't get this joke at all
In German language,
Ein = 1
Zwei = 2
Drei = 3(Stein = stone but that has nothing to do with the joke)
ha! nice
thanks for clearing that up -
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
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