Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said,"Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?" He said,"Reformed Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.
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%(#BF0000)[A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. “Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?” he asks.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure.”
“Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.
“No, I can remember it.”
“Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?”
He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?” she asks.
Irritated, he says, “I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
“Where's my toast?]%(#008040)[An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”
The other man asked, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that's the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”]%(#4040BF)[Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
“I don't know,” he said. “She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”]%(#00BF00)[A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, “So I hear you're getting married?”
“Yep!”
“Do I know her?”
“Nope!”
“This woman, is she good looking?”
“Not really.”
“Is she a good cook?”
“Naw, she can't cook too well.”
“Does she have lots of money?”
“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”
“Well, then, is she good in bed?”
“I don't know.”
“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”
“Because she can still drive!”]%(#804000)[A man was telling his neighbour, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.”
“Really, answered the neighbour. “What kind is it?”
“Twelve thirty.”]%(#8000BF)[Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You're really doing great, aren't you?”
Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’''
The doctor said, “I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'”]A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”
“No,” he replied, “Arthritis.” -
I changed my iPod name to Titanic . It's syncing now.
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From local (likes CAPS) publican
FIRST QUESTION:
YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE
THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST, THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE! TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME. NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION, BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK? SECOND QUESTION: IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....? (SCROLL DOWN) ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE..... WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON?? YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU? THIRD QUESTION: VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE: THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY. DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR. TRY IT. TAKE&nb sp;1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30. ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL? SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER..... ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ DID YOU GET 5000? THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100... IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR! TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT? MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT.... MAYBE... FOURTH QUESTION: MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS: 1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4. NONO, AND ??? 2 WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER? ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T. HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN! OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND, I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF: A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH. BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE. NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS? ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT... DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK?? IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST! ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE! HAVE A NICE DAY, ONE AND ALL. -
That math item has got me so confused....
Is this the key phrase: "TAKE&nb sp;1000"? And what does it really mean?
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[off:2vks7agi]
means"non breakable space"and usually used in html code to insert a dummy space between two tags to make sure they are not empty (like<p> </p>to insert a "non empty still sort of empty" paragraph) or as "space holders" between (say) two buttons (although this should rather be done in CSS).Though it may have been confusing ("as if" there should have been something there but lost during coding), eventually there's no loss.
Here are some examples from the forum's source code...
[/off:2vks7agi] -
@gaieus said:
[off:vspliyy4]
means"non breakable space"and usually used in html code to insert a dummy space between two tags to make sure they are not empty (like<p> </p>to insert a "non empty still sort of empty" paragraph) or as "space holders" between (say) two buttons (although this should rather be done in CSS).Though it may have been confusing ("as if" there should have been something there but lost during coding), eventually there's no loss.
Here are some examples from the forum's source code...
[attachment=0:vspliyy4]<!-- ia0 -->nbsp.png<!-- ia0 -->[/attachment:vspliyy4][/off:vspliyy4]
Great joke Gai!I got it anyway.
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I must insist is very much on topic, both as being in the OP and in my smokescreen response...
After 15 or so attempts I was able to make the complex addition and get the 'approved' answer, without a calculator....
but I may well have added incorrectly.
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@unknownuser said:
I changed my iPod name to Titanic . It's syncing now.
I was once an IBM Research Fellow in the UK. I worked with an experimental CAD terminal - real high-resolution, a whole 1024x1204 8bpp, but this was after all in 1981 - which was developed as part of an internal company competition to produce the next IBM CAD hardware product. It was called the Titanic because everyone knew it would never cross the Atlantic...
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What are the names of the children of Einstein?
Zweistein and Dreistein...
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@gaieus said:
What are the names of the children of Einstein?
Zweistein and Dreistein...
i admit.. i don't get this joke at all
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Ole and Lena were sitting in church. During the sermon Lena passed Ole a note. It said, "I yust let a silent fart. Vhat should I do?" Ole turned the paper over and wrote, "Vell, da first ting is change da battery in yer hearing aid."
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@unknownuser said:
i admit.. i don't get this joke at all
In German language,
Ein = 1
Zwei = 2
Drei = 3(Stein = stone but that has nothing to do with the joke)
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@gaieus said:
:lol:
@unknownuser said:
i admit.. i don't get this joke at all
In German language,
Ein = 1
Zwei = 2
Drei = 3(Stein = stone but that has nothing to do with the joke)
ha! nice
thanks for clearing that up -
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
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There was a small phone company in Minnesota many years ago that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys.
So the boss met with both teams and said, "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."
Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift the Norwegian guys, came back, and the boss asked them how many they had installed.
They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later the Irish guys came back in, and they were totally exhausted.
The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"
The team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "O'Malley and me, we got three in."
The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Norwegian guys put in twelve!"
"Yeah," said O'Malley, "but you should see how much they left stickin' out of the ground." -
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Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
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Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong
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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
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War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
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They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
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Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
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I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
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In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of
emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.' -
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
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A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
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You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
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Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
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There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
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You're never too old to learn something stupid.
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To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
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Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
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Where there's a will, there are relatives.
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