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    Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?

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    • MarianM Offline
      Marian
      last edited by

      • Dad, how did I came to be?
      • Son, I think you'll find out sooner or later so I'll tell you.One day me and your mother entered a chat room and then I set up a meeting with her via e-mail. We met in a virtual internet cafe and we snuck into a private room where your mother agreed with the download from my hard drive.
        As soon as I was ready to upload, we found out that neither of us had ever used the firewall before and because it was too late to press delete, nine months later we were blessed with a small pop-up which started screaming with all its might: You've got male!!

      http://marian87.deviantart.com/

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      • D Offline
        d12dozr
        last edited by

        I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow
        me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would
        tell me to take a few days off.

        So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker
        (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending
        to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a
        few days off.

        A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you
        doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.

        He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple
        of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office.

        When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you
        think you're going?"

        She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark."

        3D Printing with SketchUp Book
        http://goo.gl/f7ooYh

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        • Dave RD Offline
          Dave R
          last edited by

          🤣

          Etaoin Shrdlu

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          • irwanwrI Offline
            irwanwr
            last edited by

            🤣

            I didn't know that there's such thread in this forum before

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            • GaieusG Offline
              Gaieus
              last edited by

              • Doctor, I heard that married men live longer
              • No, they just feel it is much longer...

              Gai...

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              • david_hD Offline
                david_h
                last edited by

                Heard this today on the way to work. . .

                A guy and his Girlfriend were playing chess when the girl says. . .

                "So. . you wanna make this more interesting?"

                "yeah!"

                So they stopped playing chess.

                If I make it look easy...It is probably easy

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                • boofredlayB Offline
                  boofredlay
                  last edited by

                  😆

                  http://www.coroflot.com/boofredlay

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                  • MarianM Offline
                    Marian
                    last edited by

                    A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend
                    $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
                    stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the
                    clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

                    "About 32," is the reply.

                    "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

                    A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
                    the very same question.

                    The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

                    The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

                    Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
                    on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
                    and asks the clerk this burning question.

                    The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

                    Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

                    While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
                    to her the same question.

                    He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
                    young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
                    very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
                    Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

                    They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
                    best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

                    He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
                    very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
                    gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
                    against each other.

                    After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
                    I?"

                    He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
                    says, "Madam, you are 50."

                    Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
                    tell?"

                    The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

                    "I promise I won't." she says.

                    "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

                    http://marian87.deviantart.com/

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                    • boofredlayB Offline
                      boofredlay
                      last edited by

                      A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

                      The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude."

                      "You must be an ARCHITECT," says the balloonist.

                      "I am," replies the man. "how did you know?"

                      "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

                      The man below says, "You must be a CONTRACTOR."

                      "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

                      "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

                      http://www.coroflot.com/boofredlay

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                      • Alan FraserA Offline
                        Alan Fraser
                        last edited by

                        I bought a dog from the local blacksmith the other day. As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

                        3D Figures
                        Were you required to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more?
                        You could be entitled to compensation. Call the Pro Claimers now!

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                        • Dave RD Offline
                          Dave R
                          last edited by

                          🤣

                          Etaoin Shrdlu

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                          • GaieusG Offline
                            Gaieus
                            last edited by

                            My problem with my original profession was that an archaeologist's career is always in ruins. 😕

                            Gai...

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                            • chrisglasierC Offline
                              chrisglasier
                              last edited by

                              Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

                              Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

                              With TBA interfaces we can analyse what is to be achieved so that IT can help with automation to achieve it.

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                              • mitcorbM Offline
                                mitcorb
                                last edited by

                                Resist change at all costs. Round up to the next dollar.

                                I take the slow, deliberate approach in my aimless wandering.

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                                • Chris FullmerC Offline
                                  Chris Fullmer
                                  last edited by

                                  @unknownuser said:

                                  A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

                                  The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude."

                                  "You must be an ARCHITECT," says the balloonist.

                                  "I am," replies the man. "how did you know?"

                                  "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

                                  The man below says, "You must be a CONTRACTOR."

                                  "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

                                  "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

                                  👍 🤣 😆

                                  Lately you've been tan, suspicious for the winter.
                                  All my Plugins I've written

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                                  • Dave RD Offline
                                    Dave R
                                    last edited by

                                    An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
                                    The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
                                    When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
                                    The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".

                                    Etaoin Shrdlu

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                                    • Dave RD Offline
                                      Dave R
                                      last edited by

                                      One day God calls down to Noah and says, “Noah me old China, I want you to make me a new Ark”.

                                      Noah replies, “No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you’re the guv’… ”

                                      But God interrupts, “Ah, but there’s a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other”.

                                      “20 DECKS!”, screams Noah. “Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?”

                                      “Yep, that’s right, well . .. Sort of right . . This time I want you to fill it up with fish”, God answers.

                                      “Fish?”, queries Noah “Yep, fish . . Well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp – wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!”

                                      Noah looks to the skies. “OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?”

                                      “Check”.

                                      “With 20 decks, one on top of the other?”.

                                      “Check”.

                                      “And you want it full of Carp?”.

                                      “Check”

                                      “Why?” asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..

                                      “Dunno”, says God, “I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark”.

                                      Etaoin Shrdlu

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                                      • Dave RD Offline
                                        Dave R
                                        last edited by

                                        There was an old woman from Belize
                                        Who orgasmed each time she'd sneeze
                                        Even ice cream and cake
                                        Made her quiver and shake
                                        When they were ordered "with black pepper please!"

                                        Etaoin Shrdlu

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                                        • Dave RD Offline
                                          Dave R
                                          last edited by

                                          Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
                                          The Father said, 'top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'
                                          She replied, 'aye, that ye did, Father.'
                                          The Father asked, 'and be there any wee little ones yet?'
                                          She replied, 'no, not yet, Father.'
                                          The Father said, 'well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
                                          She replied, 'oh, thank ye, Father.'
                                          They then parted ways.
                                          Some years later they met again.
                                          The Father asked, 'well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?
                                          She replied, 'oh, very well, Father!'
                                          The Father asked, 'and tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
                                          She replied, 'oh yes, Father!
                                          Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'
                                          The Father said, 'that's wonderful!
                                          And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'
                                          She replied, 'e's gone to Rome to blow out yer freakin' candle.'

                                          Etaoin Shrdlu

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                                          • Dave RD Offline
                                            Dave R
                                            last edited by

                                            Copied and pasted just as I found it.

                                            @unknownuser said:

                                            Paddy and Mick walking down a street in London. Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said:

                                            "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".

                                            Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, Look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent.'

                                            'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.' says Mick.

                                            They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and ......."

                                            The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"

                                            "Well...yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How d' y' know dat?"

                                            The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."

                                            Etaoin Shrdlu

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