Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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Maybe this is an old one but couldn't resist ...
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm,
his mother asks if he had done his chores."Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little p*ssed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
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- Dad, how did I came to be?
- Son, I think you'll find out sooner or later so I'll tell you.One day me and your mother entered a chat room and then I set up a meeting with her via e-mail. We met in a virtual internet cafe and we snuck into a private room where your mother agreed with the download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we found out that neither of us had ever used the firewall before and because it was too late to press delete, nine months later we were blessed with a small pop-up which started screaming with all its might: You've got male!!
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I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow
me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would
tell me to take a few days off.So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker
(who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending
to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a
few days off.A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you
doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple
of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office.When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you
think you're going?"She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark."
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I didn't know that there's such thread in this forum before
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- Doctor, I heard that married men live longer
- No, they just feel it is much longer...
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Heard this today on the way to work. . .
A guy and his Girlfriend were playing chess when the girl says. . .
"So. . you wanna make this more interesting?"
"yeah!"
So they stopped playing chess.
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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the
clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?""About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question.The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
I?"He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude."
"You must be an ARCHITECT," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "how did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a CONTRACTOR."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
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I bought a dog from the local blacksmith the other day. As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.
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My problem with my original profession was that an archaeologist's career is always in ruins.
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Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
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Resist change at all costs. Round up to the next dollar.
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@unknownuser said:
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude."
"You must be an ARCHITECT," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "how did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a CONTRACTOR."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
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An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does". -
One day God calls down to Noah and says, “Noah me old China, I want you to make me a new Ark”.
Noah replies, “No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you’re the guv’… ”
But God interrupts, “Ah, but there’s a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other”.
“20 DECKS!”, screams Noah. “Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?”
“Yep, that’s right, well . .. Sort of right . . This time I want you to fill it up with fish”, God answers.
“Fish?”, queries Noah “Yep, fish . . Well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp – wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!”
Noah looks to the skies. “OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?”
“Check”.
“With 20 decks, one on top of the other?”.
“Check”.
“And you want it full of Carp?”.
“Check”
“Why?” asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..
“Dunno”, says God, “I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark”.
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There was an old woman from Belize
Who orgasmed each time she'd sneeze
Even ice cream and cake
Made her quiver and shake
When they were ordered "with black pepper please!" -
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'
She replied, 'aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'and be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'no, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?
She replied, 'oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'and tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'
The Father said, 'that's wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'e's gone to Rome to blow out yer freakin' candle.'
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