Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
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A lion wakes up in the middle of the jungle and decides to impose his royalty to the rest of the jungle. So he walks up to a rabbit and roars "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST CREATURE OF THE JUNGLE!?" Terrified, the rabbit replies "Y-you are m-m-master" The lion feels good about scaring the rabbit, so he decides to do it again. Soon, he walks up to a pig and again roars "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST CREATURE OF THE JUNGLE!?" Just like last time, the pig said "y-you are" Now, the lion wants to do it a third time "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST CREATURE OF THE JUNGLE!?" he roared to the elephant. The elephant grabs the lion by the scruff of the neck, throws him into the air, and shuffles off. The lion starts shouting "All right! All right! There's no reason to be nasty about it just because you don't know the answer!"
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A young monk arrives at the monastery
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
"We missed the "R", we missed the "R" !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word was CELEBRATE."
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While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened
to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other,
"Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful
on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I
wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain
that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."
"I can handle that without a problem" she replied
as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two
nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said,
"A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the
counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and
placed them in the bag with the beer.. He then looked
the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said,
"The curlers are on the house. -
I just said to the wife " Right sexy, upstairs now!" She looked at me and said "Oooh, kinky bastd". I said. "No seriously, The World Cup is starting soon, now FK OFF!"
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Found written across the wall of a cave were the following symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3000 years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said:
"This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.
You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if a famine hit the earth, and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea.
The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"Idiots...
Hebrew is read from right to left... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick" -
Engineers' Most Interesting Findings
Conversion Factors for your Digestion:
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Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
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2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
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1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
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Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
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Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
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Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
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365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
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16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
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Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
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1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
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Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
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Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
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453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
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1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
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1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle
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365 days = 1 unicycle
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2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
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10 cards = 1 decacard
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52 cards = 1 deckacard
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1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
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1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
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1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
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1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
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10 rations = 1 decaration
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100 rations = 1 C-Ration
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2 monograms = 1 diagram
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8 nickels = 2 paradigms
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5 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital = 1 I.V. League
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Science jokes
[flash=640,385:18tfxn1g]http://www.youtube.com/v/e7DkeQ0roAM&hl=en_US&fs=1&[/flash:18tfxn1g]
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The first sodium ion says to the second sodium ion, "I think I lost an electron."
The second sodium ion says, "Are you positive?"groan
Mrs. Schroedinger says to Mr. Schroedinger, "What the hell did you do to the cat? It looks half dead!"
groan 2
There is nothing cruel about the Schroedinger's Cat experiment!
You aren't actually killing the cat until you try to 'measure it'...
When the Humane Society comes around and they look into your box, you can rest assured that the cat's death is entirely their fault - since you never looked...groan 3
... I'll get my coat
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What would you do?
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabbie agrees.Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new Mercedes Benz convertible. HE paid for your Hockey season tickets. HE paid for your Football season tickets. HE paid for our waterfront house. HE paid for our cottage at the lake. HE paid for our speed boat. HE paid for your country club membership, and HE even pays for your monthly dues!' Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'
The cabbie replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.'
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Tour Bus Driver
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he
is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the
driver another handful of peanuts.When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't
you eat the peanuts?""We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
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Two Tea Party members went to a drive in. They thought the movie was awful so they slashed their seats.
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A tea party member walks into bar.
A birther walks intro the same bar.
Later a blond ducks under the bar. -
I was thinking of buying my girlfriend a Mood ring for her birthday. It goes green when she's in a good mood and leaves red marks on my forehead when she's in a bad mood.
One of my nipples is a different colour from the other two. Is that normal?
My doctor says i'm paranoid.
he didn't say it but i know he's thinking it.
I find all these obesity jokes awfully distasteful.
Don't you think they have enough on their plate?
Who's the coolest guy in a hospital?
The Ultra Sound guy...
But who takes over when he's on holiday?
The Hip Replacement guy of course!
"I stand corrected!"
said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his arse
Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
I was at a 70's party last night and i was asked to dance...
...first i was afraid, then i was petrified
'Doctor, doctor, i've got a problem with my hearing'
'What are the symptoms?'
'Those are those yellow people on the TV'
I just walked past a guy saying "one, three, five, seven, nine......one, three, five, seven, nine......one, three, five, seven, nine......"
I thought "How odd?"
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Even the cat lovers amongst you will find this very funny. If you don't laugh at this one, you're not breathing...
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.'
That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.' (apologies to all cat lovers!)
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A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.
So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500, he says.
This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five pound note and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him £500. The senior pockets the £500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.
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Politics and politicians are like a pile of shit. Only the flies change
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On a similar note...
Politics is like the contents of a cess-pit...
the biggest bits eventually rise to the top... -
The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
Blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
Decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
Paint a couple of rooms in the house The next day, right after her
Husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
Paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
Floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
Parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
Her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she
Replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
Dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
Replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
Said..."For best results put on two coats"
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