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    Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?

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    • D Offline
      d12dozr
      last edited by

      @unknownuser said:

      Nice ones Marcus πŸ˜„

      Cheers, Boo πŸ˜„
      I also really enjoy your blog of visual puns and other pictures...especially this one:

      @unknownuser said:

      I feel like I have been running to hard lately. Too much to do with too little time.

      http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vwHulONym58/S9ZwPHr-j5I/AAAAAAAAApU/nwNHktL-oPo/s1600/MoleskineA31.jpg

      3D Printing with SketchUp Book
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      • boofredlayB Offline
        boofredlay
        last edited by

        Thanks Marcus. πŸ˜„

        http://www.coroflot.com/boofredlay

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        • boofredlayB Offline
          boofredlay
          last edited by

          Heard a good one today.

          Today is Star Wars day. May the 4th be with you. πŸ’š

          http://www.smileyshut.com/smileys/new/TV-and-Movies/yoda.gif

          http://www.coroflot.com/boofredlay

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          • ToboboT Offline
            Tobobo
            last edited by

            The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall, with a very strange look on his face. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what's up.

            "He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains: "So I gave him a box of laxatives and told him to take it all at once."

            "Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily."

            "Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall: "Look at him. He's too afraid to cough."

            Toby

            Philippians 4:13

            I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

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            • boofredlayB Offline
              boofredlay
              last edited by

              Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

              Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

              The woman shakes her head no.

              Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

              The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

              The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

              His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

              http://www.coroflot.com/boofredlay

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              • B Offline
                Builder Boy
                last edited by

                A lion wakes up in the middle of the jungle and decides to impose his royalty to the rest of the jungle. So he walks up to a rabbit and roars "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST CREATURE OF THE JUNGLE!?" Terrified, the rabbit replies "Y-you are m-m-master" The lion feels good about scaring the rabbit, so he decides to do it again. Soon, he walks up to a pig and again roars "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST CREATURE OF THE JUNGLE!?" Just like last time, the pig said "y-you are" Now, the lion wants to do it a third time "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST CREATURE OF THE JUNGLE!?" he roared to the elephant. The elephant grabs the lion by the scruff of the neck, throws him into the air, and shuffles off. The lion starts shouting "All right! All right! There's no reason to be nasty about it just because you don't know the answer!"
                🀣

                All my plugins

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                • D Offline
                  d12dozr
                  last edited by

                  A young monk arrives at the monastery

                  He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

                  He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
                  So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

                  The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

                  So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,

                  "We missed the "R", we missed the "R" !"

                  His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

                  The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

                  With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,

                  "The word was CELEBRATE."

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                  • boofredlayB Offline
                    boofredlay
                    last edited by

                    While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened
                    to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other,
                    "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful
                    on a hot summer evening?"
                    The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I
                    wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain
                    that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."
                    "I can handle that without a problem" she replied
                    as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
                    The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two
                    nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.
                    "We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said,
                    "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."
                    Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the
                    counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and
                    placed them in the bag with the beer.. He then looked
                    the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said,
                    "The curlers are on the house.

                    http://www.coroflot.com/boofredlay

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                    • dermotcollD Offline
                      dermotcoll
                      last edited by

                      I just said to the wife " Right sexy, upstairs now!" She looked at me and said "Oooh, kinky bastd". I said. "No seriously, The World Cup is starting soon, now FK OFF!"

                      When you burn your arse - you gotta sit on the blisters!!

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                      • T Offline
                        tomot
                        last edited by

                        Found written across the wall of a cave were the following symbols:
                        image.png
                        It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3000 years old!
                        The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.
                        They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

                        The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said:
                        "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.
                        You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
                        The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
                        Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if a famine hit the earth, and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea.
                        The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
                        The audience applauded enthusiastically.
                        Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
                        "Idiots...
                        Hebrew is read from right to left... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick"

                        [my plugins](http://thingsvirtual.blogspot.ca/)
                        tomot

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                        • D Offline
                          d12dozr
                          last edited by

                          Engineers' Most Interesting Findings

                          Conversion Factors for your Digestion:

                          1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

                          2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton

                          3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

                          4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

                          5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

                          6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

                          7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year

                          8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

                          9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

                          10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

                          11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower

                          12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line

                          13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

                          14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

                          15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle

                          16. 365 days = 1 unicycle

                          17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

                          18. 10 cards = 1 decacard

                          19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard

                          20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

                          21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen

                          22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

                          23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

                          24. 10 rations = 1 decaration

                          25. 100 rations = 1 C-Ration

                          26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

                          27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

                          28. 5 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
                            Hospital = 1 I.V. League

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                          • F Offline
                            flipya
                            last edited by

                            Science jokes πŸ˜†

                            [flash=640,385:18tfxn1g]http://www.youtube.com/v/e7DkeQ0roAM&hl=en_US&fs=1&[/flash:18tfxn1g]

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                            • TIGT Offline
                              TIG Moderator
                              last edited by

                              The first sodium ion says to the second sodium ion, "I think I lost an electron."
                              The second sodium ion says, "Are you positive?"

                              groan

                              Mrs. Schroedinger says to Mr. Schroedinger, "What the hell did you do to the cat? It looks half dead!"

                              groan 2

                              There is nothing cruel about the Schroedinger's Cat experiment!
                              You aren't actually killing the cat until you try to 'measure it'...
                              When the Humane Society comes around and they look into your box, you can rest assured that the cat's death is entirely their fault - since you never looked...

                              groan 3

                              ... I'll get my coat

                              TIG

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                              • F Offline
                                flipya
                                last edited by

                                πŸ˜†

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                                • T Offline
                                  tomot
                                  last edited by

                                  What would you do?

                                  A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
                                  While en route home he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabbie agrees.

                                  Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tip toe into the bedroom.

                                  The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

                                       HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
                                       HE paid for our new Mercedes Benz convertible.
                                       HE paid for your Hockey season tickets.
                                       HE paid for your Football season tickets.
                                       HE paid for our waterfront house.
                                       HE paid for our cottage at the lake.
                                       HE paid for our speed boat.
                                       HE paid for your country club membership, and
                                       HE even pays for your monthly dues!'
                                  
                                       Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. 
                                  

                                  He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'

                                  The cabbie replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

                                  [my plugins](http://thingsvirtual.blogspot.ca/)
                                  tomot

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                                  • D Offline
                                    d12dozr
                                    last edited by


                                    Tour Bus Driver

                                    A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he
                                    is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

                                    She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

                                    After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the
                                    driver another handful of peanuts.

                                    When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't
                                    you eat the peanuts?"

                                    "We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

                                    3D Printing with SketchUp Book
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                                    • T Offline
                                      thespacegamer
                                      last edited by

                                      Two Tea Party members went to a drive in. They thought the movie was awful so they slashed their seats.

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                                      • T Offline
                                        thespacegamer
                                        last edited by

                                        A tea party member walks into bar.
                                        A birther walks intro the same bar.
                                        Later a blond ducks under the bar.

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                                        • Rich O BrienR Online
                                          Rich O Brien Moderator
                                          last edited by

                                          I was thinking of buying my girlfriend a Mood ring for her birthday. It goes green when she's in a good mood and leaves red marks on my forehead when she's in a bad mood.


                                          One of my nipples is a different colour from the other two. Is that normal?


                                          My doctor says i'm paranoid.

                                          he didn't say it but i know he's thinking it.


                                          I find all these obesity jokes awfully distasteful.

                                          Don't you think they have enough on their plate?


                                          Who's the coolest guy in a hospital?
                                          The Ultra Sound guy...
                                          But who takes over when he's on holiday?
                                          The Hip Replacement guy of course!


                                          "I stand corrected!"
                                          said the man in the orthopedic shoes.


                                          What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

                                          Wiped his arse


                                          Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.


                                          I was at a 70's party last night and i was asked to dance...

                                          ...first i was afraid, then i was petrified


                                          'Doctor, doctor, i've got a problem with my hearing'

                                          'What are the symptoms?'

                                          'Those are those yellow people on the TV'


                                          I just walked past a guy saying "one, three, five, seven, nine......one, three, five, seven, nine......one, three, five, seven, nine......"

                                          I thought "How odd?"

                                          Download the free D'oh Book for SketchUp πŸ“–

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                                          • dermotcollD Offline
                                            dermotcoll
                                            last edited by

                                            Even the cat lovers amongst you will find this very funny. If you don't laugh at this one, you're not breathing...

                                            A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

                                            The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.'

                                            That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

                                            'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

                                            The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.' (apologies to all cat lovers!)

                                            When you burn your arse - you gotta sit on the blisters!!

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