Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?

tomot

Found written across the wall of a cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3000 years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said:
"This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.
You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if a famine hit the earth, and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea.
The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"Idiots...
Hebrew is read from right to left... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick"

d12dozr

Engineers' Most Interesting Findings

Conversion Factors for your Digestion:

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle
365 days = 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacard
52 cards = 1 deckacard
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
10 rations = 1 decaration
100 rations = 1 C-Ration
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
5 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital = 1 I.V. League

flipya

Science jokes

[flash=640,385:18tfxn1g]http://www.youtube.com/v/e7DkeQ0roAM&hl=en_US&fs=1&[/flash:18tfxn1g]

TIG

The first sodium ion says to the second sodium ion, "I think I lost an electron."
The second sodium ion says, "Are you positive?"

groan

Mrs. Schroedinger says to Mr. Schroedinger, "What the hell did you do to the cat? It looks half dead!"

groan 2

There is nothing cruel about the Schroedinger's Cat experiment!
You aren't actually killing the cat until you try to 'measure it'...
When the Humane Society comes around and they look into your box, you can rest assured that the cat's death is entirely their fault - since you never looked...

groan 3

... I'll get my coat

flipya

tomot

What would you do?

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabbie agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tip toe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

     HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
     HE paid for our new Mercedes Benz convertible.
     HE paid for your Hockey season tickets.
     HE paid for your Football season tickets.
     HE paid for our waterfront house.
     HE paid for our cottage at the lake.
     HE paid for our speed boat.
     HE paid for your country club membership, and
     HE even pays for your monthly dues!'

     Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'

The cabbie replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

d12dozr

Tour Bus Driver

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he
is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the
driver another handful of peanuts.

When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't
you eat the peanuts?"

"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

thespacegamer

Two Tea Party members went to a drive in. They thought the movie was awful so they slashed their seats.

thespacegamer

A tea party member walks into bar.
A birther walks intro the same bar.
Later a blond ducks under the bar.

Rich O Brien

I was thinking of buying my girlfriend a Mood ring for her birthday. It goes green when she's in a good mood and leaves red marks on my forehead when she's in a bad mood.

One of my nipples is a different colour from the other two. Is that normal?

My doctor says i'm paranoid.

he didn't say it but i know he's thinking it.

I find all these obesity jokes awfully distasteful.

Don't you think they have enough on their plate?

Who's the coolest guy in a hospital?
The Ultra Sound guy...
But who takes over when he's on holiday?
The Hip Replacement guy of course!

"I stand corrected!"
said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his arse

Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

I was at a 70's party last night and i was asked to dance...

...first i was afraid, then i was petrified

'Doctor, doctor, i've got a problem with my hearing'

'What are the symptoms?'

'Those are those yellow people on the TV'

I just walked past a guy saying "one, three, five, seven, nine......one, three, five, seven, nine......one, three, five, seven, nine......"

I thought "How odd?"

dermotcoll

Even the cat lovers amongst you will find this very funny. If you don't laugh at this one, you're not breathing...

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.'

That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.' (apologies to all cat lovers!)

Tobobo

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500, he says.
This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five pound note and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him £500. The senior pockets the £500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.

charly2008

Politics and politicians are like a pile of shit. Only the flies change

TIG

On a similar note...
Politics is like the contents of a cess-pit...
the biggest bits eventually rise to the top...

dale

The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
Blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
Decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
Paint a couple of rooms in the house The next day, right after her
Husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
Paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
Floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
Parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
Her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she
Replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
Dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
Replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
Said...

"For best results put on two coats"

d12dozr

Old Computer Terms

BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in "Our son's computer cost quite a bit."

BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.

BUG: What your eyes do after you stare at the big mean computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list.

CHIPS: The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying.

CURSOR: What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You $#% computer!"

DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seventeen hours at a clip.

DUMP: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.

ERROR: What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look."

EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.

FLOPPY: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see Chips").

HARDWARE: Tools, such as lawn mowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.

IBM: The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.

MENU: What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.

MONITOR: Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.

PROGRAMS: Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.

RETURN: What a lot of people do with their computers after only a week and a half.

TERMINAL: A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.

WINDOW: What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.

d12dozr

Repairs

When a guy's printing on his printer began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

dale

ZEN Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3.. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet..

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $ 20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse .... then things just keep getting worse.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

d12dozr

Final Wishes

Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family
are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about
you?"

The first guy says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a great
doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I'd like to hear that I was a wonderful husband
and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of
tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I'd like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!"

Buying Fabric

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl
asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it
cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk
hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out
teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man
standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

The Big Business Way

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican
village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the
small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American
complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long
it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more
fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate
needs. The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of
your time?

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my
children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village
each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a
full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You
should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat
with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats,
eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling
your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor,
eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product,
processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small
coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and
eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

But what then, senor?

The American laughed and said that's the best part. When the time is
right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the
public and become very rich, you would make millions.

Millions, senor? Then what?

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal
fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with
your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the
evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your
amigos."

dale

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.