Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
-
Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk guy led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on thewall.
'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friends asked.
'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.
'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'
'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'
'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.
'Just watch' he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pri*#. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning!!!' -
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers.
-
But that's too much for them
-
@gaieus said:
But that's too much for them
But there's an infinite number of them, so the infinitely small excess that's left over can be shared between them all, thus giving each of them effectively nothing extra so they will all get exactly what they wanted [subject to time not being called, tectonic plates not shifting too much, the sun not exploding, no group fatalities during the infinitely long sharing out process, no accidental spillages, no simple evaporation and the like] - so there need be no excess left at all...
However, I pity the last one in the queue - after an infinitely long wait he'll get an infinitely small share with an infinitely small top-up that's his share of the left-over infinitely small amount - but at least the by now the stale beer will be non-detectable as it's infinitely small anyway and he's probably died of thirst eons ago...
My brain has just melt****ed...
[I have tried to get a beer in some busy bars where I seem to have perfected the art of invisibility and I waited and waited, resorting to accidentally breaking things to get noticed [
] BUT that never lasted into millennia and beyond...] -
Well, this brings up the philosophical (rather than mathematical) question that how much exactly is infinitely small amounts infinite times... Would that be equal to one then?
-
@gaieus said:
Well, this brings up the philosophical (rather than mathematical) question that how much exactly is infinitely small amounts infinite times... Would that be equal to one then?
Adding together infinitely large things only produce something of the same size = something infinitely large
Adding together infinitely small things only produce something of the same size = something infinitely small
no matter how many of them there are...
And I think that is approximating to zero not one ? Although a counter argument could be that an infinite number of infinitely small things would add up to approximating infinity - but still that's not one either ?
Certainly the dividing of something so small would almost definitely have to stop an a Planck Length [16.163×10^−36 meters] as there cannot be anything theoretically smaller, but since that's considerably less that an atom you wouldn't get much beer if you were near the end of the queue ! [Although if you were near the end of an infinitely long queue they'd still be as many people behind you as there were in front [infinity] - don't let's go there
]
I just noticed that my Planck Length argument effectively ruins the joke as it is based on a fallacy - they'd never be able to sub-divide the last drop of beer enough Sorry 
-
hmmm, once you get to a certain size you no longer are drinking beer, you are now consuming quarks.
-
@solo said:
hmmm, once you get to a certain size you no longer are drinking beer, you are now consuming quarks.
Aha, but as you know
quarkshaveflavors: up, down, charm, strange, top,andbottom.
Perhaps this thought experiment will lead us to finding that the Higgs Boson is actually made ofbeer?
It can't really be made ofstrings! Can it ?
Who needs the LHC - this forum might have already uncovered the truth...On a funnier note this short clip is very good [I think] http://www.ted.com/talks/charles_fleischer_insists_all_things_are_moleeds.html
Shows how esoteric science can get...
-
@solo said:
hmmm, once you get to a certain size you no longer are drinking beer, you are now consuming quarks.
Tasty, tasty beer quarks, though.
-
-
Is that for real? a beer called 'Quarks'?
-
The phrase "Three Quarks for Muster Mark" in James Joyce's Finnegan's Wake is often cited as the source of the physicists' word "Quark", the name of one of the main kinds of elementary particles, proposed by the physicist Murray Gell-Mann.
The word "quark" originally comes from the standard English verb to "quark", meaning "to caw, croak," and also from the dialectal verb to "quawk", meaning "to caw, screech like a bird..." [like "squawk"]
I've never seen "Quark's Beer" - I suspect Photoshop perhaps has a hand in some deception
There's quark cheese stuff that is not so good...There should be a Quark Beer !
-
Super Bowl, A Die Hard Fan...
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".
The man shakes his head.
"No, they're all at her funeral."
-
Not a joke as such, but funny nonetheless: http://ubuntuce.com/
-
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno." -
When I checked into my motel, I asked the lady at the desk:
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard." -
supposed to be true
@unknownuser said:
A KingAir had just rotated (lifted-off the runway) at take-off when there was an enormous bang and the starboard engine burst into flames. After stamping on the rudder to sort out the asymmetric thrust, trying to feather the propeller and going through the engine fire drills with considerable calmness and aplomb, the stress took its toll on the Captain... He transmitted to the tower in a level friendly voice: "Ladies and gentleman. There is no problem at all but we're just going to land for a nice cup of tea." He then switched to cabin intercom and screamed at the passengers: "Mayday. Mayday. Mayday. Engine fire. Prop won't feather. If I can't hold this asymmetric we're going in. Emergency landing. Get the crash crew out."
The aircraft landed safely with the passengers' hair standing on end.
-
@unknownuser said:
When I checked into my motel, I asked the lady at the desk:
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
Now true that I had to read it twice (the pun didn't come thru first) but then I fell off my chair almost. -
[original story, yes I made it up on the spot]
A man came into a cafe and rudely ordered coffee, the waitress that was serving him was offended and asked:
"Who do you think you are?!"
The man turned towards her with a grim look and said, "I am Superman"
"Excuse me?" she replied
"I said, I am Superman!" The man yelled back
By now the whole cafe heard it, and was looking at the man.
"Don't believe me, heres my card." the man said as he handed the waitress a small card.
The waitress took it and this is what she saw:
Need a Strong Law Firm?
Call Eyyam Suparman!
567-7852 -
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!'
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped !'
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !
Something whips by him going much faster!'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, He gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph.
He was feeling pretty good until he looked in his mirror and saw the old man gaining on him AGAIN !
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?'
The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror'.
Advertisement