Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?

Alan Fraser · 8 Dec 2009, 20:57

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment..
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

solo · 8 Dec 2009, 21:04

remus · 23 Dec 2009, 18:52

Two different theories exist concerning the origin of children: the theory of
sexual reproduction, and the theory of the stork. Many people believe in the
theory of sexual reproduction because they have been taught this theory
at school.

In reality, however, many of the world's leading scientists are in
favour of the theory of the stork. If the theory of sexual
reproduction is taught in schools, it must only be taught as a theory
and not as the truth. Alternative theories, such as the theory of the
stork, must also be taught.

Evidence supporting the theory of the stork includes the following:

It is a scientifically established fact that the stork does exist.
This can be confirmed by every ornithologist.
The alledged human foetal development contains several features
that the theory of sexual reproduction is unable to explain.
The theory of sexual reproduction implies that a child is approximately
nine months old at birth. This is an absurd claim. Everyone knows that a
newborn child is newborn.
According to the theory of sexual reproduction, children are a result of
sexual intercourse. There are, however, several well documented cases where
sexual intercourse has not led to the birth of a child.
Statistical studies in the Netherlands have indicated a positive correlation
between the birth rate and the number of storks. Both are decreasing.
The theory of the stork can be investigated by rigorous scientific methods.
The only assumption involved is that children are delivered by the stork.

(Original version by Erkki Aalto, Dept. of Obstetrics, Gynaecology and Stork
Science, University of Helsinki ---
English version by Jopi Louko, Institute of Stork Research,
University of Alberta)

dermotcoll · 21 Jan 2010, 10:52

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk guy led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on thewall.
'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friends asked.
'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.
'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'
'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'
'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.
'Just watch' he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pri*#. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning!!!'

Dave R · 22 Jan 2010, 13:24

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers.

Gaieus · 22 Jan 2010, 13:28

But that's too much for them

TIG · 22 Jan 2010, 13:40

@gaieus said:

But that's too much for them

But there's an infinite number of them, so the infinitely small excess that's left over can be shared between them all, thus giving each of them effectively nothing extra so they will all get exactly what they wanted [subject to time not being called, tectonic plates not shifting too much, the sun not exploding, no group fatalities during the infinitely long sharing out process, no accidental spillages, no simple evaporation and the like] - so there need be no excess left at all...

However, I pity the last one in the queue - after an infinitely long wait he'll get an infinitely small share with an infinitely small top-up that's his share of the left-over infinitely small amount - but at least the by now the stale beer will be non-detectable as it's infinitely small anyway and he's probably died of thirst eons ago...

My brain has just melt****ed...

[I have tried to get a beer in some busy bars where I seem to have perfected the art of invisibility and I waited and waited, resorting to accidentally breaking things to get noticed [ ] BUT that never lasted into millennia and beyond...]

Gaieus · 22 Jan 2010, 13:46

Well, this brings up the philosophical (rather than mathematical) question that how much exactly is infinitely small amounts infinite times... Would that be equal to one then?

TIG · 22 Jan 2010, 14:02

@gaieus said:

Well, this brings up the philosophical (rather than mathematical) question that how much exactly is infinitely small amounts infinite times... Would that be equal to one then?

Adding together infinitely large things only produce something of the same size = something infinitely large
Adding together infinitely small things only produce something of the same size = something infinitely small
no matter how many of them there are...
And I think that is approximating to zero not one ? Although a counter argument could be that an infinite number of infinitely small things would add up to approximating infinity - but still that's not one either ?
Certainly the dividing of something so small would almost definitely have to stop an a Planck Length [16.163×10^−36 meters] as there cannot be anything theoretically smaller, but since that's considerably less that an atom you wouldn't get much beer if you were near the end of the queue ! [Although if you were near the end of an infinitely long queue they'd still be as many people behind you as there were in front [infinity] - don't let's go there ]
I just noticed that my Planck Length argument effectively ruins the joke as it is based on a fallacy - they'd never be able to sub-divide the last drop of beer enough Sorry

solo · 22 Jan 2010, 14:14

hmmm, once you get to a certain size you no longer are drinking beer, you are now consuming quarks.

TIG · 22 Jan 2010, 14:22

@solo said:

hmmm, once you get to a certain size you no longer are drinking beer, you are now consuming quarks.

Aha, but as you know quarks have flavors: up, down, charm, strange, top, and bottom.
Perhaps this thought experiment will lead us to finding that the Higgs Boson is actually made of beer?
It can't really be made of strings! Can it ?
Who needs the LHC - this forum might have already uncovered the truth...

On a funnier note this short clip is very good [I think] http://www.ted.com/talks/charles_fleischer_insists_all_things_are_moleeds.html
Shows how esoteric science can get...

remus · 22 Jan 2010, 15:22

@solo said:

hmmm, once you get to a certain size you no longer are drinking beer, you are now consuming quarks.

Tasty, tasty beer quarks, though.

Alan Fraser · 22 Jan 2010, 16:43

solo · 22 Jan 2010, 17:19

Is that for real? a beer called 'Quarks'?

TIG · 22 Jan 2010, 17:31

The phrase "Three Quarks for Muster Mark" in James Joyce's Finnegan's Wake is often cited as the source of the physicists' word "Quark", the name of one of the main kinds of elementary particles, proposed by the physicist Murray Gell-Mann.

The word "quark" originally comes from the standard English verb to "quark", meaning "to caw, croak," and also from the dialectal verb to "quawk", meaning "to caw, screech like a bird..." [like "squawk"]

I've never seen "Quark's Beer" - I suspect Photoshop perhaps has a hand in some deception
There's quark cheese stuff that is not so good...

There should be a Quark Beer !

solo · 26 Jan 2010, 00:47

Super Bowl, A Die Hard Fan...

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head.

"No, they're all at her funeral."

Stinkie · 27 Jan 2010, 13:53

Not a joke as such, but funny nonetheless: http://ubuntuce.com/

boofredlay · 27 Jan 2010, 20:53

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

boofredlay · 20 Feb 2010, 19:39

When I checked into my motel, I asked the lady at the desk:
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

Khai · 21 Feb 2010, 05:07

supposed to be true

@unknownuser said:

A KingAir had just rotated (lifted-off the runway) at take-off when there was an enormous bang and the starboard engine burst into flames. After stamping on the rudder to sort out the asymmetric thrust, trying to feather the propeller and going through the engine fire drills with considerable calmness and aplomb, the stress took its toll on the Captain... He transmitted to the tower in a level friendly voice: "Ladies and gentleman. There is no problem at all but we're just going to land for a nice cup of tea." He then switched to cabin intercom and screamed at the passengers: "Mayday. Mayday. Mayday. Engine fire. Prop won't feather. If I can't hold this asymmetric we're going in. Emergency landing. Get the crash crew out."

The aircraft landed safely with the passengers' hair standing on end.