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Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?

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  • J Offline
    Joe Wood
    last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 11:49

    Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

    The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

    At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

    He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

    He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

    Joe Wood
    woodsshop.com/

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    • D Offline
      dcke88
      last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 11:50

      Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other
      outside the operating room.

      The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

      The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

      The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
      when was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you
      lots of Jell-0 and ice cream. It's a breeze."

      The second kid then asks, "What are you here
      for?"

      The first kid says, "A circumcision."

      "Whoa!", the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I
      was born.

      Couldn't walk for a year

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      • W Offline
        Will03
        last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 11:50

        Heres an oldie, but goodie:

        A drunken bum, carrying the daily newspaper, and a 40 of beer sits down on a public bench next to a catholic priest. He proceeds to read a little bit of the newspaper, and then turns to the priest, with cigarettes, dope, and beer on his breath asks "sir, why do people get arthritis?"
        The priest thinks for a moment, telling himself he could turn around this mans life and replies "well my son, people get arthritis from a lifetime of sin, things such as alcoholism, drugs, and strife all contribute. God is letting you know that that is wrong, by giving you this arthritis..." he pauses for a moment, thinking his answer may have been too harsh on the poor man and says "forgive me, my son, how long have you been ailed by this disease?"
        The bum turns to the priest and states "Oh, I don't have arthritis at all, I was just reading here that the pope does"

        I thought that was a pretty good one!

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        • J Offline
          juju
          last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 11:51

          😄
          spawnagain.jpg
          hearingp.jpg
          20050309a.gif

          Save the Earth, it's the only planet with chocolate.

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          • J Offline
            John Sayers
            last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 11:54

            I heard this today. 😄

            In praise of Oats

            Oats is what the British feed to horses and the Scots feed to men.
            What magnificent horses and what magnificent men.

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            • J Offline
              Joe Wood
              last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 11:54

              OK folks .. the following is tongue 'n cheek as they say, don't anyone get you kickers in a knot now OK 😄

              (there is some funny stuff in it though 😄

              Europeans Heighten Threat Levels

              The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
              threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to
              "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
              "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit
              Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran
              out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
              Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance"
              warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

              Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised
              its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher
              levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
              precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
              factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

              It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of
              alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and
              excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
              "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

              The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
              Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
              have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

              Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
              only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

              The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
              deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
              Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

              Joe Wood
              woodsshop.com/

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              • G Offline
                Gaieus
                last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 11:55

                @unknownuser said:

                ...The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
                deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
                Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

                Ááá... That hurt...
                😄

                Gai...

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                • J Offline
                  juju
                  last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 11:56

                  *** This is not intended to offend anyone here. As they say, if the shoe fits... ***

                  Why you should never question a drunk

                  A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

                  a half-gallon of 2% milk,
                  a carton of eggs,
                  a quart of orange juice,
                  a head of romaine lettuce,
                  a 2 lb. can of coffee and
                  a 1 lb. package of bacon.

                  As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

                  The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”

                  The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”

                  Save the Earth, it's the only planet with chocolate.

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                  • J Offline
                    juju
                    last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 11:59

                    lollies!
                    wrong15.jpg
                    wrong11.jpg
                    wrong05.jpg
                    wrong04.jpg
                    wrong02.jpg
                    wrong01.jpg

                    Save the Earth, it's the only planet with chocolate.

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                    • K Offline
                      Krisidious
                      last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 12:00

                      why is 6 affraid of 7?

                      By: Kristoff Rand
                      Home DesignerUnique House Plans

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                      • K Offline
                        Krisidious
                        last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 12:00

                        because 7 "ate" 9

                        By: Kristoff Rand
                        Home DesignerUnique House Plans

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                        • R Offline
                          RegH
                          last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 12:01

                          Joe Wood said
                          @unknownuser said:

                          The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. 😄

                          ... I hear the ugliest was Sir Cumcision 😒

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                          • boofredlayB Offline
                            boofredlay
                            last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 12:02

                            @regh said:

                            ... I hear the ugliest was Sir Cumcision 😒

                            Yet the most oppressed was Sir Vitude

                            http://www.coroflot.com/boofredlay

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                            • J Offline
                              John Sayers
                              last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 12:02

                              the local hooker spent most of her time sub Sir Vient. 😉

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                              • boofredlayB Offline
                                boofredlay
                                last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 12:03

                                King Arthur's head of security was Sir Veillance.
                                The tariff master was Sir Charge.
                                The knight who would not die was Sir Vivor.
                                The head eunuch was Sir Aglio.
                                The sneakiest knight was Sir Reptitious.
                                The obsequious knight was Sir Vile.
                                The one who drew all the boundaries was Sir Vey; he was Jewish. His first name was Oy.
                                The 24-hour knight was Sir Cadian.
                                The knight who ate too much was Sir Feit.
                                The most evil of all the knights was Sir Pent.
                                As Sir Galahad missed most of the meetings due to his drinking habit, he would send Sir Rogate in his stead.
                                The rarest knight was Sir Loin.
                                The Greatest Knight On Earth was Sir Cus.
                                The knight who was most likely to snap was Sir Face Tension.
                                The biggest cut-up was Sir Gery.
                                The knight who encircled all the others was Sir Cumscribe.
                                The luckiest knight was Sir Endipity.
                                The knight least certain was Sir Mise.
                                The most impolite knight was Sir Ly.
                                The most indrect knight was Sir Cuitous.
                                The knight who was the last to learn to ride a horse was Sir Mount.
                                The knight with the bluest blood was Sir Name.
                                The startled knight was Sir Prise.
                                The yellowest knight was Sir Render.
                                The knight who was the soothsayer was Sir Cumstantiate.
                                The knight in constant motion was Sir Culate.
                                The most acrobatic knight was Sir Q'Du Soleil.
                                And the knight for whom there was no chair was Sir Plus.

                                http://www.coroflot.com/boofredlay

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                                • R Offline
                                  robmoors
                                  last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 12:03

                                  High school is a lot like prison, sex you want, you aint gettin'... sex you getting... you dont wanne.

                                  Rob Moors
                                  Architecture Student

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                                  • J Offline
                                    Joe Wood
                                    last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 12:04

                                    snicker snicker ..

                                    http://sandiego.cox.net/cci/newsnational/national?_mode=view&_state=maximized&view=article&id=D8R1EBM00&_action=validatearticle

                                    Joe Wood
                                    woodsshop.com/

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                                    • D Offline
                                      dcke88
                                      last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 12:05

                                      hopefully this doesn't offend any contractors out there. Make sure you read the name of both boats.
                                      Boat & Dingy 001.jpg

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                                      • K Offline
                                        Krisidious
                                        last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 12:06

                                        oh that is hilarious Dcke...
                                        I love it...

                                        By: Kristoff Rand
                                        Home DesignerUnique House Plans

                                        1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                        • J Offline
                                          John Sayers
                                          last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 12:06

                                          A apprentice carpenter was challenged by his boss with a question,

                                          "Do you know the difference between a Joist and girder"

                                          to which the apprentice replied

                                          "Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust."

                                          boom boom.

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