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    Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?

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    • D Offline
      dcke88
      last edited by

      Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other
      outside the operating room.

      The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

      The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

      The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
      when was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you
      lots of Jell-0 and ice cream. It's a breeze."

      The second kid then asks, "What are you here
      for?"

      The first kid says, "A circumcision."

      "Whoa!", the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I
      was born.

      Couldn't walk for a year

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      • W Offline
        Will03
        last edited by

        Heres an oldie, but goodie:

        A drunken bum, carrying the daily newspaper, and a 40 of beer sits down on a public bench next to a catholic priest. He proceeds to read a little bit of the newspaper, and then turns to the priest, with cigarettes, dope, and beer on his breath asks "sir, why do people get arthritis?"
        The priest thinks for a moment, telling himself he could turn around this mans life and replies "well my son, people get arthritis from a lifetime of sin, things such as alcoholism, drugs, and strife all contribute. God is letting you know that that is wrong, by giving you this arthritis..." he pauses for a moment, thinking his answer may have been too harsh on the poor man and says "forgive me, my son, how long have you been ailed by this disease?"
        The bum turns to the priest and states "Oh, I don't have arthritis at all, I was just reading here that the pope does"

        I thought that was a pretty good one!

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        • jujuJ Offline
          juju
          last edited by

          😄
          spawnagain.jpg
          hearingp.jpg
          20050309a.gif

          Save the Earth, it's the only planet with chocolate.

          1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
          • John SayersJ Offline
            John Sayers
            last edited by

            I heard this today. 😄

            In praise of Oats

            Oats is what the British feed to horses and the Scots feed to men.
            What magnificent horses and what magnificent men.

            1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
            • Joe WoodJ Offline
              Joe Wood
              last edited by

              OK folks .. the following is tongue 'n cheek as they say, don't anyone get you kickers in a knot now OK 😄

              (there is some funny stuff in it though 😄

              Europeans Heighten Threat Levels

              The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
              threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to
              "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
              "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit
              Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran
              out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
              Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance"
              warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

              Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised
              its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher
              levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
              precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
              factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

              It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of
              alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and
              excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
              "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

              The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
              Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
              have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

              Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
              only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

              The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
              deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
              Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

              Joe Wood
              woodsshop.com/

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              • GaieusG Offline
                Gaieus
                last edited by

                @unknownuser said:

                ...The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
                deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
                Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

                Ááá... That hurt...
                😄

                Gai...

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                • jujuJ Offline
                  juju
                  last edited by

                  *** This is not intended to offend anyone here. As they say, if the shoe fits... ***

                  Why you should never question a drunk

                  A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

                  a half-gallon of 2% milk,
                  a carton of eggs,
                  a quart of orange juice,
                  a head of romaine lettuce,
                  a 2 lb. can of coffee and
                  a 1 lb. package of bacon.

                  As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

                  The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”

                  The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”

                  Save the Earth, it's the only planet with chocolate.

                  1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                  • jujuJ Offline
                    juju
                    last edited by

                    lollies!
                    wrong15.jpg
                    wrong11.jpg
                    wrong05.jpg
                    wrong04.jpg
                    wrong02.jpg
                    wrong01.jpg

                    Save the Earth, it's the only planet with chocolate.

                    1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                    • KrisidiousK Offline
                      Krisidious
                      last edited by

                      why is 6 affraid of 7?

                      By: Kristoff Rand
                      Home DesignerUnique House Plans

                      1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                      • KrisidiousK Offline
                        Krisidious
                        last edited by

                        because 7 "ate" 9

                        By: Kristoff Rand
                        Home DesignerUnique House Plans

                        1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                        • R Offline
                          RegH
                          last edited by

                          Joe Wood said
                          @unknownuser said:

                          The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. 😄

                          ... I hear the ugliest was Sir Cumcision 😒

                          1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                          • boofredlayB Offline
                            boofredlay
                            last edited by

                            @regh said:

                            ... I hear the ugliest was Sir Cumcision 😒

                            Yet the most oppressed was Sir Vitude

                            http://www.coroflot.com/boofredlay

                            1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                            • John SayersJ Offline
                              John Sayers
                              last edited by

                              the local hooker spent most of her time sub Sir Vient. 😉

                              1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                              • boofredlayB Offline
                                boofredlay
                                last edited by

                                King Arthur's head of security was Sir Veillance.
                                The tariff master was Sir Charge.
                                The knight who would not die was Sir Vivor.
                                The head eunuch was Sir Aglio.
                                The sneakiest knight was Sir Reptitious.
                                The obsequious knight was Sir Vile.
                                The one who drew all the boundaries was Sir Vey; he was Jewish. His first name was Oy.
                                The 24-hour knight was Sir Cadian.
                                The knight who ate too much was Sir Feit.
                                The most evil of all the knights was Sir Pent.
                                As Sir Galahad missed most of the meetings due to his drinking habit, he would send Sir Rogate in his stead.
                                The rarest knight was Sir Loin.
                                The Greatest Knight On Earth was Sir Cus.
                                The knight who was most likely to snap was Sir Face Tension.
                                The biggest cut-up was Sir Gery.
                                The knight who encircled all the others was Sir Cumscribe.
                                The luckiest knight was Sir Endipity.
                                The knight least certain was Sir Mise.
                                The most impolite knight was Sir Ly.
                                The most indrect knight was Sir Cuitous.
                                The knight who was the last to learn to ride a horse was Sir Mount.
                                The knight with the bluest blood was Sir Name.
                                The startled knight was Sir Prise.
                                The yellowest knight was Sir Render.
                                The knight who was the soothsayer was Sir Cumstantiate.
                                The knight in constant motion was Sir Culate.
                                The most acrobatic knight was Sir Q'Du Soleil.
                                And the knight for whom there was no chair was Sir Plus.

                                http://www.coroflot.com/boofredlay

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                                • R Offline
                                  robmoors
                                  last edited by

                                  High school is a lot like prison, sex you want, you aint gettin'... sex you getting... you dont wanne.

                                  Rob Moors
                                  Architecture Student

                                  1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                  • Joe WoodJ Offline
                                    Joe Wood
                                    last edited by

                                    snicker snicker ..

                                    http://sandiego.cox.net/cci/newsnational/national?_mode=view&_state=maximized&view=article&id=D8R1EBM00&_action=validatearticle

                                    Joe Wood
                                    woodsshop.com/

                                    1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                    • D Offline
                                      dcke88
                                      last edited by

                                      hopefully this doesn't offend any contractors out there. Make sure you read the name of both boats.
                                      Boat  Dingy 001.jpg

                                      1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                      • KrisidiousK Offline
                                        Krisidious
                                        last edited by

                                        oh that is hilarious Dcke...
                                        I love it...

                                        By: Kristoff Rand
                                        Home DesignerUnique House Plans

                                        1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                        • John SayersJ Offline
                                          John Sayers
                                          last edited by

                                          A apprentice carpenter was challenged by his boss with a question,

                                          "Do you know the difference between a Joist and girder"

                                          to which the apprentice replied

                                          "Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust."

                                          boom boom.

                                          1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                          • boofredlayB Offline
                                            boofredlay
                                            last edited by

                                            This guy goes into his dentist's office, because of pain in his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"
                                            "Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talking' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything...meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!"

                                            "That's probably it," replied the dentist. "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."

                                            "Why chrome?" the man asked.

                                            "Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

                                            http://www.coroflot.com/boofredlay

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