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Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?

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  • C Offline
    CraigD
    last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 11:46

    @rhankc said:

    A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers.

    Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
    Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't
    be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

    Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls
    come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They
    both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts
    almost falling out of their skimpy shirts.

    It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they
    say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's.
    You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing.

    Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all
    over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

    I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
    20th & 24th. Also, on March 1st, 3rd, twice on the 17th, three times just
    yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. Please be careful.

    Top that one!

    Loved it!! That's hilarious!

    CraigD

    Google SketchUp

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    • T Offline
      tomsdesk
      last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 11:47

      Here's a groaner I heard yesterday (sorry :`)

      A guy, terribly upset, voice rising, telling the psychiatrist about his recurring nightmare: "First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwan, then I'm a te...."

      "Relax!" the doctor interrups. "You're just too tense."

      http://www.tomsdesk.moonfruit.com/
      2.5D Trees & Shrubs!

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      • B Offline
        boofredlay
        last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 11:48

        There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.
        "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question

        "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

        "We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"

        "I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

        "That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."

        http://www.coroflot.com/boofredlay

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        • B Offline
          boofredlay
          last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 11:48

          Those who remember Abbott and Costello's Whose On First will appreciate this the most!

          If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who' s on First?" might have turned out something like this:

          COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
          ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
          COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
          ABBOTT: Mac?
          COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
          ABBOTT: Your computer?
          COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
          ABBOTT: Mac?
          COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
          ABBOTT: What about Windows?
          COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
          ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
          COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
          ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
          COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
          ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
          COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
          ABBOTT: Office.
          COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
          ABBOTT: I just did.
          COSTELLO: You just did what?
          ABBOTT: Recommend something.
          COSTELLO: You recommended something?
          ABBOTT: Yes.
          COSTELLO: For my office?
          ABBOTT: Yes.
          COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
          ABBOTT: Office.
          COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
          ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
          COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
          ABBOTT: Word.
          COSTELLO: What word?
          ABBOTT: Word in Office.
          COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
          ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
          COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
          ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
          COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
          ABBOTT: Money.
          COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
          ABBOTT: Money.
          COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
          ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
          COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
          ABBOTT: Money.
          COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
          ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
          COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
          ABBOTT: One copy.
          COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
          ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
          COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
          ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

          A few days later:

          ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
          COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
          ABBOTT: Click on "START

          http://www.coroflot.com/boofredlay

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          • J Offline
            Joe Wood
            last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 11:49

            Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

            The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

            At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

            He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

            He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

            Joe Wood
            woodsshop.com/

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            • D Offline
              dcke88
              last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 11:50

              Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other
              outside the operating room.

              The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

              The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

              The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
              when was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you
              lots of Jell-0 and ice cream. It's a breeze."

              The second kid then asks, "What are you here
              for?"

              The first kid says, "A circumcision."

              "Whoa!", the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I
              was born.

              Couldn't walk for a year

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              • W Offline
                Will03
                last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 11:50

                Heres an oldie, but goodie:

                A drunken bum, carrying the daily newspaper, and a 40 of beer sits down on a public bench next to a catholic priest. He proceeds to read a little bit of the newspaper, and then turns to the priest, with cigarettes, dope, and beer on his breath asks "sir, why do people get arthritis?"
                The priest thinks for a moment, telling himself he could turn around this mans life and replies "well my son, people get arthritis from a lifetime of sin, things such as alcoholism, drugs, and strife all contribute. God is letting you know that that is wrong, by giving you this arthritis..." he pauses for a moment, thinking his answer may have been too harsh on the poor man and says "forgive me, my son, how long have you been ailed by this disease?"
                The bum turns to the priest and states "Oh, I don't have arthritis at all, I was just reading here that the pope does"

                I thought that was a pretty good one!

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                • J Offline
                  juju
                  last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 11:51

                  😄
                  spawnagain.jpg
                  hearingp.jpg
                  20050309a.gif

                  Save the Earth, it's the only planet with chocolate.

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                  • J Offline
                    John Sayers
                    last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 11:54

                    I heard this today. 😄

                    In praise of Oats

                    Oats is what the British feed to horses and the Scots feed to men.
                    What magnificent horses and what magnificent men.

                    1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                    • J Offline
                      Joe Wood
                      last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 11:54

                      OK folks .. the following is tongue 'n cheek as they say, don't anyone get you kickers in a knot now OK 😄

                      (there is some funny stuff in it though 😄

                      Europeans Heighten Threat Levels

                      The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
                      threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to
                      "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
                      "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit
                      Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran
                      out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
                      Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance"
                      warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

                      Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised
                      its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher
                      levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
                      precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
                      factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

                      It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of
                      alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and
                      excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
                      "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

                      The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
                      Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
                      have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

                      Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
                      only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

                      The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
                      deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
                      Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

                      Joe Wood
                      woodsshop.com/

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                      • G Offline
                        Gaieus
                        last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 11:55

                        @unknownuser said:

                        ...The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
                        deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
                        Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

                        Ááá... That hurt...
                        😄

                        Gai...

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                        • J Offline
                          juju
                          last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 11:56

                          *** This is not intended to offend anyone here. As they say, if the shoe fits... ***

                          Why you should never question a drunk

                          A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

                          a half-gallon of 2% milk,
                          a carton of eggs,
                          a quart of orange juice,
                          a head of romaine lettuce,
                          a 2 lb. can of coffee and
                          a 1 lb. package of bacon.

                          As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

                          The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”

                          The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”

                          Save the Earth, it's the only planet with chocolate.

                          1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                          • J Offline
                            juju
                            last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 11:59

                            lollies!
                            wrong15.jpg
                            wrong11.jpg
                            wrong05.jpg
                            wrong04.jpg
                            wrong02.jpg
                            wrong01.jpg

                            Save the Earth, it's the only planet with chocolate.

                            1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                            • K Offline
                              Krisidious
                              last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 12:00

                              why is 6 affraid of 7?

                              By: Kristoff Rand
                              Home DesignerUnique House Plans

                              1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                              • K Offline
                                Krisidious
                                last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 12:00

                                because 7 "ate" 9

                                By: Kristoff Rand
                                Home DesignerUnique House Plans

                                1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                • R Offline
                                  RegH
                                  last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 12:01

                                  Joe Wood said
                                  @unknownuser said:

                                  The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. 😄

                                  ... I hear the ugliest was Sir Cumcision 😒

                                  1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                  • B Offline
                                    boofredlay
                                    last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 12:02

                                    @regh said:

                                    ... I hear the ugliest was Sir Cumcision 😒

                                    Yet the most oppressed was Sir Vitude

                                    http://www.coroflot.com/boofredlay

                                    1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                    • J Offline
                                      John Sayers
                                      last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 12:02

                                      the local hooker spent most of her time sub Sir Vient. 😉

                                      1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                      • B Offline
                                        boofredlay
                                        last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 12:03

                                        King Arthur's head of security was Sir Veillance.
                                        The tariff master was Sir Charge.
                                        The knight who would not die was Sir Vivor.
                                        The head eunuch was Sir Aglio.
                                        The sneakiest knight was Sir Reptitious.
                                        The obsequious knight was Sir Vile.
                                        The one who drew all the boundaries was Sir Vey; he was Jewish. His first name was Oy.
                                        The 24-hour knight was Sir Cadian.
                                        The knight who ate too much was Sir Feit.
                                        The most evil of all the knights was Sir Pent.
                                        As Sir Galahad missed most of the meetings due to his drinking habit, he would send Sir Rogate in his stead.
                                        The rarest knight was Sir Loin.
                                        The Greatest Knight On Earth was Sir Cus.
                                        The knight who was most likely to snap was Sir Face Tension.
                                        The biggest cut-up was Sir Gery.
                                        The knight who encircled all the others was Sir Cumscribe.
                                        The luckiest knight was Sir Endipity.
                                        The knight least certain was Sir Mise.
                                        The most impolite knight was Sir Ly.
                                        The most indrect knight was Sir Cuitous.
                                        The knight who was the last to learn to ride a horse was Sir Mount.
                                        The knight with the bluest blood was Sir Name.
                                        The startled knight was Sir Prise.
                                        The yellowest knight was Sir Render.
                                        The knight who was the soothsayer was Sir Cumstantiate.
                                        The knight in constant motion was Sir Culate.
                                        The most acrobatic knight was Sir Q'Du Soleil.
                                        And the knight for whom there was no chair was Sir Plus.

                                        http://www.coroflot.com/boofredlay

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                                        • R Offline
                                          robmoors
                                          last edited by 14 Feb 2008, 12:03

                                          High school is a lot like prison, sex you want, you aint gettin'... sex you getting... you dont wanne.

                                          Rob Moors
                                          Architecture Student

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