Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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“I don’t think we would cut trees if they screamed unless they screamed all the time.” - Jack Handy
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Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because the Paracetamol.
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As some of you may know, my wife is a hospice nurse. When opening the local newspaper, she always starts with the obituaries.
She says "if I see myself here, I won't have to go to work tomorrow".
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I used to work with a fellow who did the same. One day, he did see his name. He didn't say anything. Just got up and started putting on his coat. I asked him where he was going. He showed me the obituary and said, "Since I'm dead, I don't need to be here today."
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An old one, but still very funny.
George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the
President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and
I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom"The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to
have a King in charge - and you're not a King."George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality
then?",To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a
Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush".Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr
Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you
are not an Emperor."Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think
you're doing quite nicely as a Country". -
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary.Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by
consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else
he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute.Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and
said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior."John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey
did?"HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!
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One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
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So this dame walks into my office, see?
She sez "The curtains are drawn."
I sez "Yeah, but the furniture is real."
[Dan-daran-dan!]
She sez "Ya got a small desk lamp."
I sez "Yeah, schweetheart. It also woiks on large desks."
[Dan-daran-dan!]
She sez "I'm outta here. Call me a cab."
I sez "OK. you're a cab."
[Dan-daran-dan-DAAAAAAAAHN!] -
An alcoholic walks up to a bar and orders a drink when he realizes he is sitting beside a giraffe. After a few drinks they get talking about all kinds of stuff. Not to long and they're doing shots and having a hoot of a time...
The Giraffe says the him, " You know what? I reckon I'll drink you under the table tonight champ!The old guys say, "yeah, let see you try....!
Half an hour later and the old giraffe falls backwards and; crash!, hits the floor is out like a light.....
Old mate stands up; scoops his loose change off the bar and proceeds to walk out the door when the bartender says, "Hey, where do you you think you're going? Your not leavin' that lyin' there.....!
The old bloke turns around with one eye closed and says, 'It's not a lion, its a giraffe!'
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I hate the January Sales....
I went to Boots, guess what, they don't do boots?
I didn't see any curry in Curry's?
And then i went to Selfridges.....they don't sell fridges!
Imagine my disappointment when I went to Virgin Megastore
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Home Remedies
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
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AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
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AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
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FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
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A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
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IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
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YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
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IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS
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Chuck Norris once vacationed in the virgin islands. . .and when he returned. . .they were called simply "the Islands".
Chuck Norris flosses with Barbed Wire.
After watching an episode of Walker Texas Ranger, the country of France Surrendered to Chuck Norris. . .just in case.
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The madam opened the brothel door in Inverness and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.
Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.
After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"
The man replied, "Edinburgh."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer
She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
- Death
- Taxes
- Being screwed by a lawyer!
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Beethoven
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
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Remarkable Obituary:
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. Mr.
Sense had been with us for many years.. No one knows for sure how old he was
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will
be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons such as knowing
when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that
life isn't always fair..Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in
charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. - Reports of a six-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from
school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding
an unruly student, only worsened his condition.Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer aspirin to a student, but could not inform the parents
when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better
treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a
woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a
bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement.Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is
survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and ImaWhiner. Not many attended his
funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass
this on; if not, join the majority and do nothing. -
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Gauss curve and... success:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.How old are you?
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@larsen said:
How old are you?
Between 35 and 50 - but since making money does not work, I concentrate on not peeing in my pants basically.
(I see some practice may come handy later)
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