Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
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I heard this one on NPR this week . ..
A guy is driving down the road and he is talking on his Cell phone as he drives. He looks over and sees a cop who gives him the "Eye". He immediately throws his phone under the seat but the cop flashes his lights and decides to pull him over anyway. the guy in the car turns to his wife and says... "now I was not talking on my cell phone. YOU got that? you're my wife. You gotta back me up on this. . .I was NOT Talking on the Cell phone."
The cop walks up to the window. . .
GUY: What seems to be the problem officer?"
COP: sir I noticed what I thought was a cell phone in your hand. You know that talking while driving is illegal in this state. And you seemed to be driving a bit erratically. . .GUY: Oh no officer, I wasn't on my phone. Ask my wife. . . she'll tell you"
WIFE: That's true officer. I have to back him up on this. I have been married to him for 30 years. and I know better than to argue with him while he's drunk.
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Warning - profanity used**
A blind guy goes to a prostitute who has a very spotty face. When the blind man uses his hands to check her face out to make sure she looks okay(??!!) he recoils in horror. The prostitute is quite hurt and says - "For Gods sake - its only a bit of acne!!" The blind guy says - "Thank f**k - i thought it was your price list!!"
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A beautiful woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests spotted an equally attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello, my name is Carmen." "Thats a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it ot myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefor, I chose "Carmen". "Whats your name?" she said. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."!!!
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In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States . It was pretty simple the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating:
”What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"sadly . . .this is a true story. I mean. . it's on the internet. it has to be true!
They breed and they walk Among US...
Some by C-section.
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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin .
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit.
As she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'
The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'
The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina
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Sven is passing by Ole's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Ole doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson tractor.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right suspender, followed by the left one.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .
Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay near by.
'What on earth are you doing Ole?', asks Sven.
'Jeez Sven, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me', says an obviously embarrassed Ole, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor. "
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No fair! I just blew coffee on my screen.
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Ollie and Svenn, continued...
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two buddies, Ollie and Svenn.
The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.
Ollie arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Ollie said, 'Vell, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Ollie said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .' The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Svenn in to confirm the identity of the body.
Svenn looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over... 'The mortician rolled him over and Svenn said, 'No, it ain't Stanley .'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Svenn said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.' 'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
There's Stanley with them two assholes.'
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The Parrot
(A Thanksgiving classic)
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms
and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
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The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.
Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-Third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted.
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“I don’t think we would cut trees if they screamed unless they screamed all the time.” - Jack Handy
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Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because the Paracetamol.
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As some of you may know, my wife is a hospice nurse. When opening the local newspaper, she always starts with the obituaries.
She says "if I see myself here, I won't have to go to work tomorrow".
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I used to work with a fellow who did the same. One day, he did see his name. He didn't say anything. Just got up and started putting on his coat. I asked him where he was going. He showed me the obituary and said, "Since I'm dead, I don't need to be here today."
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An old one, but still very funny.
George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the
President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and
I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom"The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to
have a King in charge - and you're not a King."George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality
then?",To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a
Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush".Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr
Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you
are not an Emperor."Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think
you're doing quite nicely as a Country". -
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary.Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by
consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else
he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute.Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and
said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior."John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey
did?"HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!
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One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
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So this dame walks into my office, see?
She sez "The curtains are drawn."
I sez "Yeah, but the furniture is real."
[Dan-daran-dan!]
She sez "Ya got a small desk lamp."
I sez "Yeah, schweetheart. It also woiks on large desks."
[Dan-daran-dan!]
She sez "I'm outta here. Call me a cab."
I sez "OK. you're a cab."
[Dan-daran-dan-DAAAAAAAAHN!]
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