Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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ZEN Teachings
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3.. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet..
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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If you lend someone $ 20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
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If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
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Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
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Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
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Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
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A closed mouth gathers no foot.
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There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
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Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse .... then things just keep getting worse.
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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
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Final Wishes
Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family
are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about
you?"The first guy says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a great
doctor of my time, and a great family man."The second guy says, "I'd like to hear that I was a wonderful husband
and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of
tomorrow."The last guy replies, "I'd like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!"
Buying Fabric
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl
asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it
cost?""Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk
hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out
teasingly.The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man
standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.The Big Business Way
The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican
village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the
small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American
complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long
it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more
fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate
needs. The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of
your time?The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my
children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village
each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a
full and busy life, senor."The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You
should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat
with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats,
eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling
your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor,
eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product,
processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small
coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and
eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
But what then, senor?
The American laughed and said that's the best part. When the time is
right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the
public and become very rich, you would make millions.Millions, senor? Then what?
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal
fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with
your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the
evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your
amigos." -
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
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Long ago there lived a brave seafarer named Captain Bravo. He was a courageous man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and, after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.
As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual request. Captain Bravo calmly shouted: "Bring me my brown pants!"
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Invitation Replies To A Scientist's Ball
Ampere was worried he wasn't current.
Audubon said he'd have to wing it.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Darwin waited to see what evolved.
Descartes said he'd think about it.
Dr. Jekyll declined -- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
Edison thought it would be illuminating.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.
Hawking tried to string enough time together to make space in his schedule.
Heisenberg was uncertain that he could make it.
Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.
Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.
Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."
Newton planned to drop in.
Ohm resisted the idea.
Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
Volta was electrified, and Archemedes buoyant at the thought.
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orwell could get a flight.
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A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ... and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.
You are going to love the Dad's reply:
To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?' -
A few months ago I made a post in the Kerkythea forum. Unfortunately, I had written Ketchup instead of Sketchup. The reply of a member, I found very funny.
Yes, but you should really avoid using ketchup with Kerkythea. Ketchup can overheat the processor, stick the hard drive and shortcut the mother board... Avoid mayonnaise and mustard too.
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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
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I heard this one on NPR this week . ..
A guy is driving down the road and he is talking on his Cell phone as he drives. He looks over and sees a cop who gives him the "Eye". He immediately throws his phone under the seat but the cop flashes his lights and decides to pull him over anyway. the guy in the car turns to his wife and says... "now I was not talking on my cell phone. YOU got that? you're my wife. You gotta back me up on this. . .I was NOT Talking on the Cell phone."
The cop walks up to the window. . .
GUY: What seems to be the problem officer?"
COP: sir I noticed what I thought was a cell phone in your hand. You know that talking while driving is illegal in this state. And you seemed to be driving a bit erratically. . .GUY: Oh no officer, I wasn't on my phone. Ask my wife. . . she'll tell you"
WIFE: That's true officer. I have to back him up on this. I have been married to him for 30 years. and I know better than to argue with him while he's drunk.
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Warning - profanity used**
A blind guy goes to a prostitute who has a very spotty face. When the blind man uses his hands to check her face out to make sure she looks okay(??!!) he recoils in horror. The prostitute is quite hurt and says - "For Gods sake - its only a bit of acne!!" The blind guy says - "Thank f**k - i thought it was your price list!!"
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A beautiful woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests spotted an equally attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello, my name is Carmen." "Thats a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it ot myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefor, I chose "Carmen". "Whats your name?" she said. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."!!!
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In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States . It was pretty simple the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating:
”What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"sadly . . .this is a true story. I mean. . it's on the internet. it has to be true!
They breed and they walk Among US...
Some by C-section.
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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin .
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit.
As she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'
The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'
The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina
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Sven is passing by Ole's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Ole doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson tractor.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right suspender, followed by the left one.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .
Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay near by.
'What on earth are you doing Ole?', asks Sven.
'Jeez Sven, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me', says an obviously embarrassed Ole, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor. "
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No fair! I just blew coffee on my screen.
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Ollie and Svenn, continued...
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two buddies, Ollie and Svenn.
The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.
Ollie arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Ollie said, 'Vell, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Ollie said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .' The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Svenn in to confirm the identity of the body.
Svenn looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over... 'The mortician rolled him over and Svenn said, 'No, it ain't Stanley .'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Svenn said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.' 'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
There's Stanley with them two assholes.'
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The Parrot
(A Thanksgiving classic)
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms
and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
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The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.
Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-Third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted.
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“I don’t think we would cut trees if they screamed unless they screamed all the time.” - Jack Handy
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Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because the Paracetamol.
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