Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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Tour Bus Driver
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he
is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the
driver another handful of peanuts.When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't
you eat the peanuts?""We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
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Two Tea Party members went to a drive in. They thought the movie was awful so they slashed their seats.
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A tea party member walks into bar.
A birther walks intro the same bar.
Later a blond ducks under the bar. -
I was thinking of buying my girlfriend a Mood ring for her birthday. It goes green when she's in a good mood and leaves red marks on my forehead when she's in a bad mood.
One of my nipples is a different colour from the other two. Is that normal?
My doctor says i'm paranoid.
he didn't say it but i know he's thinking it.
I find all these obesity jokes awfully distasteful.
Don't you think they have enough on their plate?
Who's the coolest guy in a hospital?
The Ultra Sound guy...
But who takes over when he's on holiday?
The Hip Replacement guy of course!
"I stand corrected!"
said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his arse
Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
I was at a 70's party last night and i was asked to dance...
...first i was afraid, then i was petrified
'Doctor, doctor, i've got a problem with my hearing'
'What are the symptoms?'
'Those are those yellow people on the TV'
I just walked past a guy saying "one, three, five, seven, nine......one, three, five, seven, nine......one, three, five, seven, nine......"
I thought "How odd?"
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Even the cat lovers amongst you will find this very funny. If you don't laugh at this one, you're not breathing...
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.'
That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.' (apologies to all cat lovers!)
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A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.
So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500, he says.
This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five pound note and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him £500. The senior pockets the £500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.
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Politics and politicians are like a pile of shit. Only the flies change
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On a similar note...
Politics is like the contents of a cess-pit...
the biggest bits eventually rise to the top... -
The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
Blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
Decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
Paint a couple of rooms in the house The next day, right after her
Husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
Paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
Floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
Parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
Her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she
Replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
Dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
Replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
Said..."For best results put on two coats"
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Old Computer Terms
BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in "Our son's computer cost quite a bit."
BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.
BUG: What your eyes do after you stare at the big mean computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list.
CHIPS: The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying.
CURSOR: What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You $#% computer!"
DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seventeen hours at a clip.
DUMP: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.
ERROR: What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look."
EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.
FLOPPY: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see Chips").
HARDWARE: Tools, such as lawn mowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
IBM: The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.
MENU: What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
MONITOR: Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.
PROGRAMS: Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.
RETURN: What a lot of people do with their computers after only a week and a half.
TERMINAL: A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.
WINDOW: What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.
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Repairs
When a guy's printing on his printer began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
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ZEN Teachings
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3.. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet..
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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If you lend someone $ 20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
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If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
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Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
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Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
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Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
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A closed mouth gathers no foot.
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There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
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Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse .... then things just keep getting worse.
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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
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Final Wishes
Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family
are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about
you?"The first guy says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a great
doctor of my time, and a great family man."The second guy says, "I'd like to hear that I was a wonderful husband
and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of
tomorrow."The last guy replies, "I'd like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!"
Buying Fabric
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl
asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it
cost?""Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk
hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out
teasingly.The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man
standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.The Big Business Way
The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican
village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the
small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American
complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long
it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more
fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate
needs. The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of
your time?The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my
children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village
each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a
full and busy life, senor."The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You
should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat
with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats,
eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling
your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor,
eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product,
processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small
coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and
eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
But what then, senor?
The American laughed and said that's the best part. When the time is
right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the
public and become very rich, you would make millions.Millions, senor? Then what?
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal
fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with
your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the
evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your
amigos." -
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
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Long ago there lived a brave seafarer named Captain Bravo. He was a courageous man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and, after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.
As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual request. Captain Bravo calmly shouted: "Bring me my brown pants!"
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Invitation Replies To A Scientist's Ball
Ampere was worried he wasn't current.
Audubon said he'd have to wing it.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Darwin waited to see what evolved.
Descartes said he'd think about it.
Dr. Jekyll declined -- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
Edison thought it would be illuminating.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.
Hawking tried to string enough time together to make space in his schedule.
Heisenberg was uncertain that he could make it.
Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.
Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.
Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."
Newton planned to drop in.
Ohm resisted the idea.
Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
Volta was electrified, and Archemedes buoyant at the thought.
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orwell could get a flight.
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A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ... and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.
You are going to love the Dad's reply:
To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?' -
A few months ago I made a post in the Kerkythea forum. Unfortunately, I had written Ketchup instead of Sketchup. The reply of a member, I found very funny.
Yes, but you should really avoid using ketchup with Kerkythea. Ketchup can overheat the processor, stick the hard drive and shortcut the mother board... Avoid mayonnaise and mustard too.
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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
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I heard this one on NPR this week . ..
A guy is driving down the road and he is talking on his Cell phone as he drives. He looks over and sees a cop who gives him the "Eye". He immediately throws his phone under the seat but the cop flashes his lights and decides to pull him over anyway. the guy in the car turns to his wife and says... "now I was not talking on my cell phone. YOU got that? you're my wife. You gotta back me up on this. . .I was NOT Talking on the Cell phone."
The cop walks up to the window. . .
GUY: What seems to be the problem officer?"
COP: sir I noticed what I thought was a cell phone in your hand. You know that talking while driving is illegal in this state. And you seemed to be driving a bit erratically. . .GUY: Oh no officer, I wasn't on my phone. Ask my wife. . . she'll tell you"
WIFE: That's true officer. I have to back him up on this. I have been married to him for 30 years. and I know better than to argue with him while he's drunk.
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