OK folks .. the following is tongue 'n cheek as they say, don't anyone get you kickers in a knot now OK

(there is some funny stuff in it though

Europeans Heighten Threat Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran
out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised
its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher
levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and
excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Ole, a Norwegian immigrant living in Minnesota, was fixing his back prorch door one day and broke one of the hinges. So he sent his wife, Lena, to Sven's Hardware Store to get a new one.

While she was waiting for Sven to help her she noticed a very nice teapot on the shelf. It was silver with beautiful gold inlays and Lena thought it was the most beautiful teapot she had ever seen. But there was no price tag on it.

After a bit Sven came to her and asked if he could help her. "How much do you vant for da teapot, Sven," she asked.

"Dat teapot is selling for one hunert an twentyfive doalers," Sven answered.

"Oh!" Lena exclaimed. "Dat is too much moany. But Ole, he send me here for a new hinge for da back door, he did."

Sven told her he had them in back and that he'd get her one. While he was back there he yelled out to Lena, "Lena? Do wanna screw for dat hinge?"

"No," Lena said. "But I will for dat teapot!"

Poor dawg .. [:o)
Going to the vet...

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most

Dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the

Front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

Subject: Guinness Book of World Records
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says,
"Who is Rosie O'Donnell?

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's
all right now ..

9. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

10. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

11. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

12. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

13. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

14. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

OK! then I'll start one!

A cowboy from Texas gets pulled over by an Arizona DPS Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's ####?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ####." "That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though"

Gene, I just posted a link to the beginning of a tut over at JLC. This will be for a draped hip roof though and not for a dutch hip.

Here it is on yousendit.com
http://tinyurl.com/22gnqm

Really great to hear from you Steven! Even better hearing how your situation has improved.

man, I sure miss all the Old Regulars and all of our quality interactions. You take care!

ok man, let's go do this!! Looks like Such a Rush! Ever wanted to fly?
http://www.techamok.com/?pid=3517

Watch this little fella get down! http://birdloversonly.blogspot.com/2007/09/may-i-have-this-dance.html

Well, I got those Plans (pergola/shade structure with a deck under it) off to my client over in London. He's having a company over in Wales pre fabricate all the parts out of English Oak. I'm wondering, why Wales when he's in London? Aren't there any places around London to get millwork done?

Also, I had a Carpenter friend who went over to London a few years ago to work on a timber frame restoration project. His main observation when returning was how much conflict and downright hostility there was on the job between the different Trades. Not sharing information and working together which caused major misteakes, passing the blame for those misteaks, and finger pointing.

Then listen to what my client said after I emailed him last night asking how things were going ..

"Hi Joe,
Thanks so much for your email... I really mean it. I've spent the day dealing with English builders who don't care about anything, and are constantly trying to get out of doing any work, while destroying more than they fix.

The structure is built and is arriving tomorrow, built out of solid English oak. Only problem is I think I've messed up the dimensions of the floor area slightly, so I think there will have to be some "on site adjustments", but nothing major (I hope). My garden guy starts work on the 23rd of July, and so I hope to see the thing up and finished a week later. I'll be sure to send you some pics of it once it's all finished and looking great. I'll also put you in touch with the guy in Wales who built the kit from your plans... Who knows, maybe you can work together on something else.

Again, thanks for the follow-up - it's made up for surly English gits."

So I'm wondering why it is that way over there, between the Trades? Over here it seems like everyone works together, like a team, for mutual benefit if nothing else. Is it because of the strong history of the different Guilds?

Plus on most projects over here there's usually one person in charge, usually a General Contractor, coordinating all the Trades and orchestrating the whole process. Isn't that how projects are run over there?

and what the heck is a git?

Gerry! Welcome to these forums! Good thing too since the old forums are about dead, such a shame ..

I've been talking with my clients and they say I can just go ahead and design everything in Imperial since they use both systems it seems. Appreciate everyone's help on this!

Thanks James, just the info I was looking for.

now if I could only wrap my mind around what meters are ..

appreciate the help guys!

DAR? Here it's called S4S, surfaced 4 sides.

So your 100mmx50mm is the same as our 2x4, but, how about those other sizes I mentioned? Do they have the same equivalent sizes as we do here then?

Say John, what's the correct term to use when searching for "building codes" in London? I'm not having much luck finding specifications and code details for decks and patio covers.

OK, been poking around on that site and can't find anything about timber dimensions. I'll go poke around some more, but, Alan, I sure would appreciate it if you could go and see what are the most common dimensions in use over there.

Like I said, I'd like something close to 1.5" x 3.5", 5.5" x 5.5", 3.5" x 7.5", and 3.5" x 9.5".

Oh, and my clients said they'd be using oak.

Another question ..

Where can I download any building regulations/codes for patios and decks in the London area?? I'm doing a Search for that right now.

OK folks, got a client over in London who wants a Fujiadana (shade structure .. well, rain structure design done. http://woodsshop.com/1_Rosen1000.htm

Can anyone tell me what the timber dimensions are over there?

Here in California the common dimensions I'd use for the posts would be 5.5" x 5.5", or, if the lumber is still rough sawn (not planned down smooth) they'd be 5.75"x5.75".

For the beams I'd use 3.5"x7.5" and 3.5"x9.5".

For the stringers on top of the roof (to support and attach the roofing material) I'd use 1.5" x 3.5".

Does anyone know where I could go look online for the common dimensions used in the UK?

Do carpenters over there work with inches and feet still or is it all metric??

yeah Tox, that's what I usually do, just export a pdf straight from SUp or from Cute pdf, but I can't do that with templates longer than 100", that's why I need to use Corel.

Is there a low cost pdf creator that will export longer than 100"??

That's what I ended up doing Alan, at least, I used the Text Tool, and put the dimensions into the spots between the SUp arrows, then typed in the larger test (Jacks).

I've been looking around in Corel but can't find where I can put in arrows with the dimensions like I do with SUp. I'll go look around in the Templates!