Do we have a JOKE THREAD here? (Part 3)
-
@unknownuser said:
"The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told
My husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the
hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,
The cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times.Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... Three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12
cuckoos--MIDNIGHT!)The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT.' He didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away
With that one!Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
Three times, then said, 'oh, s--t.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared
its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted'." -
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
-
If you ever wondered who was your best friend, place both your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car. After 2 hours open the trunk and see who is most happy to see you.
-
[:o)
-
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
A guy walks into a doctor's office:
"Doc, you gottta help me -- I think I'm a moth!"
"But I'm a General Practitioner.
What you need is a Psychiatrist."
"Well, I was on my way to the Psychiatrist's office,
when I noticed your light was on..." -
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - .
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ___ ????'
-
Eric you are a true legend!
@unknownuser said:
ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL
A major hurricane (Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter
scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Basildon.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "faaackinell".The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth ofdamage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del
Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were
disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM
reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were
still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had
happened in Basildon.One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It
was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom
crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all.
I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and
carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000
crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found
large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery
from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought
after - items most needed include:
-- Fila or Burberry baseball caps
-- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
-- Shell suits (female)
-- White sport socks
-- Rockport boots
-- Any other items usually sold in Primark.
-- Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
-- Microwave meals
-- Tins of baked beans
-- Ice cream
-- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 will
pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.Breaking news
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry
alcho-pop 'where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said the
girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?" -
did you hear about the magic tractor?
it turned into a field.
-
That made me cringe
-
An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman were in a pub, each downing a pint. A fly was buzzing around the establishment, and landed on the foam of the Englishman's stout, at which point the Englishman requested a new pint in a new mug. The fly buzzed off and eventually landed on the Scot's pint. The Scot shooed the fly off, brushed of the foam, and continued to enjoy his libation. When the fly landed on the Irishman's ale, the Irishman carefully cupped his hands and captured the fly. Holding the fly very carefully, he started squeezing the fly's cheeks, shouting "Spit it out! Spit it out!"
With apologies to Mike Lucey...
-
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
-
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. (George Carlin)
-
@boofredlay said:
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart for Lizzie, our
wonderful yellow lab dog and was standing in line about to check out. A
woman behind me asked if I had a dog.First thing I thought was "where is your sign and white cane,
lady" but decided to go with it...SO....on impulse, I told her that no,
I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Weight Loss Diet
again. I said I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the
hospital the last time; but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in
both arms.I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet; and that the way
that it works is that you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is
nutritionally complete... so I was going to try it again.I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story to say the least. Totally horrified, the lady asked
if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her
no; I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's aRsE and a car hit us
both.I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack since he was
laughing so hard. Wal-Mart has asked me not to shop there anymore....The version I know ends this way.-:
Were you poisoned by the dog food to get to hospital?
No. I was sitting in the road washing my ball5 and got run over.
Advertisement