Do we have a JOKE THREAD here? (Part 3)
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An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her,
"What did you steal?"She replied: "A can of peaches".
The judge asked her why she had stolen
them and she replied that she was hungry.The judge then asked her how many
peaches were in the can.She replied, "6".
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce
the punishment the woman's husband spoke
up and asked the judge if he could say something.He said, "What is it?"
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
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She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,'Thanks,'
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,'What was that all about?'
She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.' -
I haven't been following this thread closely, so I hope this isn't a repeat...
A 70yr old man goes to the doctor for a routine checkup and the doctor says "I have some bad news."
You have cancer and alzheimer's.
The man says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer." -
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart for Lizzie, our
wonderful yellow lab dog and was standing in line about to check out. A
woman behind me asked if I had a dog.First thing I thought was "where is your sign and white cane,
lady" but decided to go with it...SO....on impulse, I told her that no,
I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Weight Loss Diet
again. I said I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the
hospital the last time; but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in
both arms.I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet; and that the way
that it works is that you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is
nutritionally complete... so I was going to try it again.I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story to say the least. Totally horrified, the lady asked
if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her
no; I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's aRsE and a car hit us
both.I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack since he was
laughing so hard. Wal-Mart has asked me not to shop there anymore.... -
Announcing a new device: Basic Orderly Organised Knowledge (BOOK)
The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: No wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover!
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere - even sitting in an armchair by the fire - yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works...
Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half.
Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now BOOKs with more information simply use more pages. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile computing crowd.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish.
Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval. An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarks can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. T he number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform. Look for a flood of new titles soon.
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Isaac Asimov bit a much earlier skit on the newfangled 'Book' v. CD/computers... and he also did another on how to do even the most complex calculations with only a 'pencil and paper' - a revolutionary idea someone comes up with in a future society that's dominated by computers doing everything that has forgotten the 'basics'... the hero sees that if he copies the symbols on the monitor screen onto a flat surface (paper) with something that makes a mark (pencil) he can reproduce unique representations of his thoughts without a keyboard and manipulate numbers to get answers - he invents both writing and basic maths in one go ! ...
I am an avid IT geek and love stuff all like SUp, BUT I am amazed when youngsters in my office have to discover that after years at college there's a simple but magic tool that lets the ideas in their head flow down their arm and into their hand and from there onto a piece of paper - the "pencil" - so they can communicate with others AND themselves. That's not just any old pencil, but a proper trad wooden one that you have to sharpen... the hi-tech hypodermic-needle propellers and fine-liner pens don't hack it when you need to get simple idea out of your head into the real world...
SketchUp is the nearest I've found to a pencil in the IT world... BUT plain old pencils and paper still have their place...
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@unknownuser said:
"The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told
My husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the
hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,
The cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times.Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... Three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12
cuckoos--MIDNIGHT!)The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT.' He didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away
With that one!Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
Three times, then said, 'oh, s--t.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared
its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted'." -
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
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If you ever wondered who was your best friend, place both your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car. After 2 hours open the trunk and see who is most happy to see you.
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[:o)
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A dyslexic walks into a bra.
A guy walks into a doctor's office:
"Doc, you gottta help me -- I think I'm a moth!"
"But I'm a General Practitioner.
What you need is a Psychiatrist."
"Well, I was on my way to the Psychiatrist's office,
when I noticed your light was on..." -
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - .
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ___ ????'
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Eric you are a true legend!
@unknownuser said:
ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL
A major hurricane (Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter
scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Basildon.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "faaackinell".The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth ofdamage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del
Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were
disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM
reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were
still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had
happened in Basildon.One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It
was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom
crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all.
I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and
carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000
crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found
large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery
from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought
after - items most needed include:
-- Fila or Burberry baseball caps
-- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
-- Shell suits (female)
-- White sport socks
-- Rockport boots
-- Any other items usually sold in Primark.
-- Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
-- Microwave meals
-- Tins of baked beans
-- Ice cream
-- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 will
pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.Breaking news
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry
alcho-pop 'where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said the
girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?" -
did you hear about the magic tractor?
it turned into a field.
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That made me cringe
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An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman were in a pub, each downing a pint. A fly was buzzing around the establishment, and landed on the foam of the Englishman's stout, at which point the Englishman requested a new pint in a new mug. The fly buzzed off and eventually landed on the Scot's pint. The Scot shooed the fly off, brushed of the foam, and continued to enjoy his libation. When the fly landed on the Irishman's ale, the Irishman carefully cupped his hands and captured the fly. Holding the fly very carefully, he started squeezing the fly's cheeks, shouting "Spit it out! Spit it out!"
With apologies to Mike Lucey...
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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization. (George Carlin)
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@boofredlay said:
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart for Lizzie, our
wonderful yellow lab dog and was standing in line about to check out. A
woman behind me asked if I had a dog.First thing I thought was "where is your sign and white cane,
lady" but decided to go with it...SO....on impulse, I told her that no,
I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Weight Loss Diet
again. I said I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the
hospital the last time; but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in
both arms.I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet; and that the way
that it works is that you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is
nutritionally complete... so I was going to try it again.I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story to say the least. Totally horrified, the lady asked
if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her
no; I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's aRsE and a car hit us
both.I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack since he was
laughing so hard. Wal-Mart has asked me not to shop there anymore....The version I know ends this way.-:
Were you poisoned by the dog food to get to hospital?
No. I was sitting in the road washing my ball5 and got run over.
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