Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
-
Here's a groaner I heard yesterday (sorry :`)
A guy, terribly upset, voice rising, telling the psychiatrist about his recurring nightmare: "First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwan, then I'm a te...."
"Relax!" the doctor interrups. "You're just too tense."
-
There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.
"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.
"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"
"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"
"That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."
-
Those who remember Abbott and Costello's Whose On First will appreciate this the most!
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who' s on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!A few days later:
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START -
Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
-
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other
outside the operating room.The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you
lots of Jell-0 and ice cream. It's a breeze."The second kid then asks, "What are you here
for?"The first kid says, "A circumcision."
"Whoa!", the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I
was born.Couldn't walk for a year
-
Heres an oldie, but goodie:
A drunken bum, carrying the daily newspaper, and a 40 of beer sits down on a public bench next to a catholic priest. He proceeds to read a little bit of the newspaper, and then turns to the priest, with cigarettes, dope, and beer on his breath asks "sir, why do people get arthritis?"
The priest thinks for a moment, telling himself he could turn around this mans life and replies "well my son, people get arthritis from a lifetime of sin, things such as alcoholism, drugs, and strife all contribute. God is letting you know that that is wrong, by giving you this arthritis..." he pauses for a moment, thinking his answer may have been too harsh on the poor man and says "forgive me, my son, how long have you been ailed by this disease?"
The bum turns to the priest and states "Oh, I don't have arthritis at all, I was just reading here that the pope does"I thought that was a pretty good one!
-
-
I heard this today.
In praise of Oats
Oats is what the British feed to horses and the Scots feed to men.
What magnificent horses and what magnificent men. -
OK folks .. the following is tongue 'n cheek as they say, don't anyone get you kickers in a knot now OK
(there is some funny stuff in it though
Europeans Heighten Threat Levels
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran
out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was during the great fire of 1666.Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised
its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher
levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and
excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. -
@unknownuser said:
...The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.Ááá... That hurt...
-
*** This is not intended to offend anyone here. As they say, if the shoe fits... ***
Why you should never question a drunk
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”
-
lollies!
-
why is 6 affraid of 7?
-
because 7 "ate" 9
-
Joe Wood said
@unknownuser said:The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
... I hear the ugliest was Sir Cumcision
-
-
the local hooker spent most of her time sub Sir Vient.
-
King Arthur's head of security was Sir Veillance.
The tariff master was Sir Charge.
The knight who would not die was Sir Vivor.
The head eunuch was Sir Aglio.
The sneakiest knight was Sir Reptitious.
The obsequious knight was Sir Vile.
The one who drew all the boundaries was Sir Vey; he was Jewish. His first name was Oy.
The 24-hour knight was Sir Cadian.
The knight who ate too much was Sir Feit.
The most evil of all the knights was Sir Pent.
As Sir Galahad missed most of the meetings due to his drinking habit, he would send Sir Rogate in his stead.
The rarest knight was Sir Loin.
The Greatest Knight On Earth was Sir Cus.
The knight who was most likely to snap was Sir Face Tension.
The biggest cut-up was Sir Gery.
The knight who encircled all the others was Sir Cumscribe.
The luckiest knight was Sir Endipity.
The knight least certain was Sir Mise.
The most impolite knight was Sir Ly.
The most indrect knight was Sir Cuitous.
The knight who was the last to learn to ride a horse was Sir Mount.
The knight with the bluest blood was Sir Name.
The startled knight was Sir Prise.
The yellowest knight was Sir Render.
The knight who was the soothsayer was Sir Cumstantiate.
The knight in constant motion was Sir Culate.
The most acrobatic knight was Sir Q'Du Soleil.
And the knight for whom there was no chair was Sir Plus. -
High school is a lot like prison, sex you want, you aint gettin'... sex you getting... you dont wanne.
-
Advertisement