Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?

solo

I changed my iPod name to Titanic . It's syncing now.

LMFAO, stolen

chrisglasier

From local (likes CAPS) publican

FIRST QUESTION:

YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE
THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?



 

 
 
 
 
ANSWER :  IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,
 THEN YOU ARE  ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE
 SECOND PERSON AND  YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!
 
 TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
 NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
 BUT DON'T  TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS
 YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION,  OK?




 
SECOND QUESTION:
 IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?
(SCROLL  DOWN)

 
 
 
~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~

 
 

 
 
 

 
 
 
ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU  ARE.....
  WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??

 
YOU'RE  NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?

 
THIRD QUESTION:
 VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE:
 THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.
 TRY IT.
 
 
 
 TAKE&nb sp;1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
 ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW  ADD ANOTHER 1000.
 NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?
 
 
 SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....

 
 
 
~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~

 

 
  
 

 
DID YOU GET 5000?

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100...

 
 
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?  

MAYBE  YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT....  MAYBE...

 
 
FOURTH QUESTION:
MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS: 

 1.      NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI,  4. NONO, AND ??? 
2      WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER? 


 
 
 
 
~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~

 
 

 
 

DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
 HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!

 
 
 
 
 
 
OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,
 I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO
 REDEEM YOURSELF:

 
 
 
 
A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
 BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE
 SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE  PURCHASE IS DONE.
 NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A
 PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES  HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?

 
 
 
 
~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 
IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
 HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...
DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
 IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!
 
 
 
~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~
 

PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
 SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
HAVE A NICE DAY, ONE AND ALL.

brookefox

That math item has got me so confused....

Is this the key phrase: "TAKE&nb sp;1000"? And what does it really mean?

Gaieus

[off:2vks7agi]   means "non breakable space" and usually used in html code to insert a dummy space between two tags to make sure they are not empty (like <p> </p> to insert a "non empty still sort of empty" paragraph) or as "space holders" between (say) two buttons (although this should rather be done in CSS).

Though it may have been confusing ("as if" there should have been something there but lost during coding), eventually there's no loss.

Here are some examples from the forum's source code...

[/off:2vks7agi]

david_h

@gaieus said:

[off:vspliyy4]   means "non breakable space" and usually used in html code to insert a dummy space between two tags to make sure they are not empty (like <p> </p> to insert a "non empty still sort of empty" paragraph) or as "space holders" between (say) two buttons (although this should rather be done in CSS).

Though it may have been confusing ("as if" there should have been something there but lost during coding), eventually there's no loss.

Here are some examples from the forum's source code...

[attachment=0:vspliyy4]nbsp.png[/attachment:vspliyy4][/off:vspliyy4]

Great joke Gai!

I got it anyway.

brookefox

I must insist is very much on topic, both as being in the OP and in my smokescreen response...

After 15 or so attempts I was able to make the complex addition and get the 'approved' answer, without a calculator....

but I may well have added incorrectly.

tim

@unknownuser said:

I changed my iPod name to Titanic . It's syncing now.

I was once an IBM Research Fellow in the UK. I worked with an experimental CAD terminal - real high-resolution, a whole 1024x1204 8bpp, but this was after all in 1981 - which was developed as part of an internal company competition to produce the next IBM CAD hardware product. It was called the Titanic because everyone knew it would never cross the Atlantic...

Box

Gaieus

What are the names of the children of Einstein?

Zweistein and Dreistein...

Marian

@gaieus said:

What are the names of the children of Einstein?

Zweistein and Dreistein...

jeff hammond

@gaieus said:

What are the names of the children of Einstein?

Zweistein and Dreistein...

i admit.. i don't get this joke at all

Dave R

Ole and Lena were sitting in church. During the sermon Lena passed Ole a note. It said, "I yust let a silent fart. Vhat should I do?" Ole turned the paper over and wrote, "Vell, da first ting is change da battery in yer hearing aid."

Gaieus

@unknownuser said:

i admit.. i don't get this joke at all

In German language,
Ein = 1
Zwei = 2
Drei = 3

(Stein = stone but that has nothing to do with the joke)

jeff hammond

@gaieus said:

:lol:

@unknownuser said:

i admit.. i don't get this joke at all

In German language,
Ein = 1
Zwei = 2
Drei = 3

(Stein = stone but that has nothing to do with the joke)

ha! nice
thanks for clearing that up

Rich O Brien

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

Dave R

There was a small phone company in Minnesota many years ago that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys.
So the boss met with both teams and said, "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."
Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift the Norwegian guys, came back, and the boss asked them how many they had installed.
They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later the Irish guys came back in, and they were totally exhausted.
The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"
The team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "O'Malley and me, we got three in."
The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Norwegian guys put in twelve!"
"Yeah," said O'Malley, "but you should see how much they left stickin' out of the ground."

david_h

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of
emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Where there's a will, there are relatives.

solo

A Farmer walks into his bedroom holding a Sheep under his arm and says to his Wife... "This is the Pig I've been having Sex with whenever You have a Headache". His wife angrily responds, "You asshole... that's not a Pig... that's a Sheep" ... The Farmer replies... "I was talking to the Sheep."

solo

The Pope is handing out miracles to sick kids in Liverpool.
Billy walks on stage and asks him, "can you help me with my hearing?"
The Pope says, "yes," and puts his hands on Billy's ears and prays, removes his hands and says, "how is your hearing now?"
Billy says, "I don't know, it's not until next Wednesday."

solo

A Husband and wife are shopping in Asda when the man picks up a pack
of Stella and puts them into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife

"They're on offer, only £16 for 24 cans", he says

"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife

and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £32 jar of face cream and
sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man,

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.

The man replies...

"SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE FUCKIN PRICE

Recently at an Irish wedding reception, someone yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made their life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

I took the wife to a disco at the weekend. There was a guy on the dancefloor giving it large; breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. My wife turned to me and said, " See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
I said, "Looks like he's still fuckin celebrating!"...

Paddy takes his mates back to see his new flat, and after a few more beers one of the lads asks him whats the big brass gong hanging on the wall,
Paddy says, "Its my speaking clock" !
"How does it work?" his mate asks.
"I'll show you", and Paddy hits it full pelt with a claw hammer,
A voice from next door yells"For fucks sake you asshole its twenty to three in the morning!!"