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    Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?

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    • RonSR Offline
      RonS
      last edited by

      A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

      A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

      They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

      Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

      The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
      However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email.

      Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.

      The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
      The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

      To: My Loving Wife
      Date: Thursday, October 13, 2004
      Subject: I have arrived!

      Dearest Love:

      I know you are surprised to hear from me.
      They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
      I have just arrived and have been checked in.
      I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
      Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

      P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

      Design is not just what it looks like and feels like. Design is how it works.
      Steve Jobs

      RonS

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      • GaieusG Offline
        Gaieus
        last edited by

        Ron, my colleagues are just staring at me for I burst intu laughter really lodly.
        Thanks man - after that Iranian topic it was a real relief!

        Gai...

        1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
        • Alan FraserA Offline
          Alan Fraser
          last edited by

          It was the custom among some N. American Indian tribes for the chief to give the childhood names to all the new-born arrivals. One day, a brave went up to his chief and said "Great Chief, how do you get inspiration for all the names you bestow upon the new papooses?"
          "Oh, that's easy." the chief replied "I simply take the name from the first notable thing I see after the birth of the child. It is always a good omen. For example, if I see a wolf skulking on the timberline at the edge of camp, it is a sign that the child shall be named Gray Wolf. If I see a loose horse walking down to the river to drink then the child will be called Pony That Walks...anyway, why are you so interested Two Dogs Screwing?"

          3D Figures
          Were you required to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more?
          You could be entitled to compensation. Call the Pro Claimers now!

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          • T Offline
            tomsdesk
            last edited by

            A few more puns...a couple of duplicates, sorry:

            I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

            Police were called to a day-care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

            Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

            The roundest Knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

            To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

            When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

            The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

            A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

            A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

            Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

            We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

            When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

            The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

            The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

            The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

            If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

            A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

            A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

            A "Will" is a dead giveaway.

            Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

            A backward poet writes inverse.

            In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

            A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

            If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

            With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

            Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat
            miner.

            When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

            The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

            A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, it resulted in linoleum blown apart.

            You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

            Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN Down-Under.

            He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

            A calendar's days are numbered.

            A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

            A boiled egg is hard to beat.

            He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

            A plateau is a high form of flattery.

            Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

            If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

            When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

            Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

            Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

            Acupuncture: a jab well done.

            And sorry again for some the other groaners, Tom.

            http://www.tomsdesk.moonfruit.com/
            2.5D Trees & Shrubs!

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            • M Offline
              mateo soletic
              last edited by

              A garbage truck on its daily routine
              collecting wheelie bins puls up in front
              of a house.
              The garbage collector comes forward
              looking at usual places to collect the
              garbage but doesnt seem to find the bins.
              He looks behind the house ..still nothing.
              Finally he decides to ring the bell to solve
              the mistery...He rings a couple of times
              but still no answer.. Just about as he was
              to turn away he heards the sound of the
              front door opening.
              A little Japanese bloke appears with an
              astonished look on his face.

              "Where is Your bin mate ?" the collector demands
              "O, sorry I bin in toilet " the Japanese replies in bad English.

              "I meant where is Your dust bin ?!! " the collector impatiently follows.
              “I told You I just been in toilet ! ” the Japanese insists.

              “No, no, there has been some misunderstanding,
              I meant where is Your wheelie bin ?”

              “Ok , ok “ the Japanese bloke aware there is no way
              out of this one replies:
              I been in toilet having a Wank.

              [Concept Illustrations](http://concept-illustrations.com/)

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              • John SayersJ Offline
                John Sayers
                last edited by

                A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

                "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
                "Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

                "Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

                "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

                "It's fantastic out here in the world" he told them.

                "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

                "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
                "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette."

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                • boofredlayB Offline
                  boofredlay
                  last edited by

                  A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane.
                  When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.

                  After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''

                  http://www.coroflot.com/boofredlay

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                  • N Offline
                    not registered yet
                    last edited by

                    Since my linguistic pedantry has been exposed, you will understand why this joke holds such appeal for me.

                    A new guy arrives in town, and wishes to visit the local library. He stops a man on the street and says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me where the library is at?"

                    The man regards him coolly and says, "You should be ashamed of yourself, ending a sentence with a preposition."

                    "Oh, I beg your pardon. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

                    -Gully

                    poster-Gully Foyle

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                    • KrisidiousK Offline
                      Krisidious
                      last edited by

                      ahahahahah Gully... that's a good one.

                      By: Kristoff Rand
                      Home DesignerUnique House Plans

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                      • boofredlayB Offline
                        boofredlay
                        last edited by

                        Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

                        http://www.coroflot.com/boofredlay

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                        • boofredlayB Offline
                          boofredlay
                          last edited by

                          An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.
                          After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.

                          So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

                          http://www.coroflot.com/boofredlay

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                          • John SayersJ Offline
                            John Sayers
                            last edited by

                            I may have told this one on the old forum but here it is again, it's my favourite blond joke.

                            This couple were lying back in bed after a rigorous evening and the guy asked his blond partner if she would like to play a game. "What sort of game?" she asked, "well a question answer game, if you ask a question I can't answer I give you $500 and visa versa." - "but I can't afford $500" she replied. "That's Ok, I understand, what if pay me $10", and she agrees.

                            So he starts with the first question. What technology operates a mobile phone?

                            The blond of course has no idea and reluctantly hands over her $10.

                            Now it's her turn - What goes up a hill with 4 legs and comes down with 3? she asks.

                            This has him stumped but he's confident he will get it and tells her he will have worked it out by morning.

                            The next morning she asks him for the answer and he admits he has no idea and reluctantly hands over the $500.

                            She thanks him and heads for the shower - so what is the answer he pleads?? I don't know either she replies, here's your $10.

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                            • N Offline
                              not registered yet
                              last edited by

                              Edited for content.

                              poster-J1mmy

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                              • R Offline
                                rhankc
                                last edited by

                                Mods feel free to delete this message please.

                                Edit: Message edited.

                                Hank

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                                • N Offline
                                  not registered yet
                                  last edited by

                                  And boohoofredlay the mother hen says cluck cluck AKA "sure boohoofredlay. You are once again right on the money this is exactly the type of contemptious behavior that we just cannot have." Are'nt we all adults? Please. If I were have to used a 4 letter word or is racist sexist & alike sure edit me away It was none of that So to delete for what I said? All I can say is BS. Grow up Boohoo. Dork. Wanna be moral mod cool guy In fact...

                                  I move to have boofredly elevated to the lofty position of cheif moderator in charge. He's got a ton of posts He is really up on all the topics and really seems like a all around swell sketchuppy guy. Why are you tourturing him by not giving him the lofty title he truely deserves. dork master general.

                                  This is the worst bit of hyper conservative uber thought policing I have ever seen. Nothing there was even remotely offensive to normal folks. It was just a joke. In poor taiste? SURE but a joke by definition just the same. Someone should take Lord boohoofredlaid3times belloved delete button and put it where the sun only shines when Krishideous is in the mood.
                                  By the way you need to wipe.
                                  Jimmy

                                  poster-J1mmy

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                                  • John SayersJ Offline
                                    John Sayers
                                    last edited by

                                    sometimes I get the impression this is the first Forum some of the mods have ever been a part of and we have to tolerate their teething problems. 😒

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                                    • N Offline
                                      not registered yet
                                      last edited by

                                      True enough John
                                      The only thing I miss about the old forum is many of the Mods a few exceptions of coarse. Thank god Mike is still here exactly where he belongs in the bar. Other than that I have not seen too much dignaty in the new forum. Mostly just those like Krishideous and my new nemisis boohoofredlay. Not much metal in the mix.
                                      Jimmy

                                      poster-J1mmy

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                                      • A Offline
                                        architectboy
                                        last edited by

                                        J1mmy, I didn't see the edited post but is seems that you have made one assumption, and I am glad that you posted it as a question so as to rebut it easily.
                                        @unknownuser said:

                                        Are'nt we all adults?

                                        The answer to that question is NO.
                                        
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                                        • N Offline
                                          not registered yet
                                          last edited by

                                          touchet Architect boy My bad What I should have said are'nt we all human? My bad. But as far as you are concerned... It would not have been offensive to you either. Just a joke in bad taiste. You would have loved it. It was a doosey. A real zinger.
                                          Have a bitchen summer
                                          Jimmy

                                          poster-J1mmy

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                                          • KrisidiousK Offline
                                            Krisidious
                                            last edited by

                                            ah the surfer dood enlightens us once again with his poor grammar and even worse taste in jokes... the likes of which would make Blanche Knotts Tasteless Jokes, Blanche.... you can take your disgusting mind elsewhere, I'm sure you also defend the right of the Nambla Members, in fact maybe you are one with a post like that.

                                            although we get to see how wonderfully talented he is at making up names using others... I guess he thinks that it bothers us... although I would like to give you a hint in spelling, just because two words sound the same does not mean they are spelled the same... I can barely follow you... I am thinking that Jinny is most likely 15, he's never built a thing in his life, he never actually finished those paint by the numbers he was doing last year...

                                            let's see some of your esteemed work Jinny... anything...

                                            I bet you have nothing...

                                            now go away little fly... go away... before I swat you.

                                            By: Kristoff Rand
                                            Home DesignerUnique House Plans

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