Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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A few more puns...a couple of duplicates, sorry:
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day-care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest Knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A "Will" is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat
miner.When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, it resulted in linoleum blown apart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN Down-Under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
And sorry again for some the other groaners, Tom.
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A garbage truck on its daily routine
collecting wheelie bins puls up in front
of a house.
The garbage collector comes forward
looking at usual places to collect the
garbage but doesnt seem to find the bins.
He looks behind the house ..still nothing.
Finally he decides to ring the bell to solve
the mistery...He rings a couple of times
but still no answer.. Just about as he was
to turn away he heards the sound of the
front door opening.
A little Japanese bloke appears with an
astonished look on his face."Where is Your bin mate ?" the collector demands
"O, sorry I bin in toilet " the Japanese replies in bad English."I meant where is Your dust bin ?!! " the collector impatiently follows.
“I told You I just been in toilet ! ” the Japanese insists.“No, no, there has been some misunderstanding,
I meant where is Your wheelie bin ?”“Ok , ok “ the Japanese bloke aware there is no way
out of this one replies:
I been in toilet having a Wank. -
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?""Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
"It's fantastic out here in the world" he told them.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette." -
A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane.
When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''
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Since my linguistic pedantry has been exposed, you will understand why this joke holds such appeal for me.
A new guy arrives in town, and wishes to visit the local library. He stops a man on the street and says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me where the library is at?"
The man regards him coolly and says, "You should be ashamed of yourself, ending a sentence with a preposition."
"Oh, I beg your pardon. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"
-Gully
poster-Gully Foyle
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ahahahahah Gully... that's a good one.
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Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
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An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.So she shot herself in the left kneecap.
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I may have told this one on the old forum but here it is again, it's my favourite blond joke.
This couple were lying back in bed after a rigorous evening and the guy asked his blond partner if she would like to play a game. "What sort of game?" she asked, "well a question answer game, if you ask a question I can't answer I give you $500 and visa versa." - "but I can't afford $500" she replied. "That's Ok, I understand, what if pay me $10", and she agrees.
So he starts with the first question. What technology operates a mobile phone?
The blond of course has no idea and reluctantly hands over her $10.
Now it's her turn - What goes up a hill with 4 legs and comes down with 3? she asks.
This has him stumped but he's confident he will get it and tells her he will have worked it out by morning.
The next morning she asks him for the answer and he admits he has no idea and reluctantly hands over the $500.
She thanks him and heads for the shower - so what is the answer he pleads?? I don't know either she replies, here's your $10.
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Edited for content.
poster-J1mmy
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Mods feel free to delete this message please.
Edit: Message edited.
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And boohoofredlay the mother hen says cluck cluck AKA "sure boohoofredlay. You are once again right on the money this is exactly the type of contemptious behavior that we just cannot have." Are'nt we all adults? Please. If I were have to used a 4 letter word or is racist sexist & alike sure edit me away It was none of that So to delete for what I said? All I can say is BS. Grow up Boohoo. Dork. Wanna be moral mod cool guy In fact...
I move to have boofredly elevated to the lofty position of cheif moderator in charge. He's got a ton of posts He is really up on all the topics and really seems like a all around swell sketchuppy guy. Why are you tourturing him by not giving him the lofty title he truely deserves. dork master general.
This is the worst bit of hyper conservative uber thought policing I have ever seen. Nothing there was even remotely offensive to normal folks. It was just a joke. In poor taiste? SURE but a joke by definition just the same. Someone should take Lord boohoofredlaid3times belloved delete button and put it where the sun only shines when Krishideous is in the mood.
By the way you need to wipe.
Jimmyposter-J1mmy
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sometimes I get the impression this is the first Forum some of the mods have ever been a part of and we have to tolerate their teething problems.
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True enough John
The only thing I miss about the old forum is many of the Mods a few exceptions of coarse. Thank god Mike is still here exactly where he belongs in the bar. Other than that I have not seen too much dignaty in the new forum. Mostly just those like Krishideous and my new nemisis boohoofredlay. Not much metal in the mix.
Jimmyposter-J1mmy
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J1mmy, I didn't see the edited post but is seems that you have made one assumption, and I am glad that you posted it as a question so as to rebut it easily.
@unknownuser said:Are'nt we all adults?
The answer to that question is NO. -
touchet Architect boy My bad What I should have said are'nt we all human? My bad. But as far as you are concerned... It would not have been offensive to you either. Just a joke in bad taiste. You would have loved it. It was a doosey. A real zinger.
Have a bitchen summer
Jimmyposter-J1mmy
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ah the surfer dood enlightens us once again with his poor grammar and even worse taste in jokes... the likes of which would make Blanche Knotts Tasteless Jokes, Blanche.... you can take your disgusting mind elsewhere, I'm sure you also defend the right of the Nambla Members, in fact maybe you are one with a post like that.
although we get to see how wonderfully talented he is at making up names using others... I guess he thinks that it bothers us... although I would like to give you a hint in spelling, just because two words sound the same does not mean they are spelled the same... I can barely follow you... I am thinking that Jinny is most likely 15, he's never built a thing in his life, he never actually finished those paint by the numbers he was doing last year...
let's see some of your esteemed work Jinny... anything...
I bet you have nothing...
now go away little fly... go away... before I swat you.
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The Value of a Drink
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack HandyWARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." ~ Frank Sinatra WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people."When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny YoungmanWARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing."When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'RourkeWARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard."Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave BarryWARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~ Dave Howell WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
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TRS, that makes a lot of sense. BTW, I enjoyed
Cheers a great deal. Cliff and Norm? I had to
look them up. Cliff was the postman and Norm was
glued to one of the stools
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@krisidious said:
ah the surfer dood enlightens us once again with his poor grammar and even worse taste in jokes...you can take your disgusting mind elsewhere, I'm sure you also defend the right of the Nambla Members, although I would like to give you a hint in spelling, I am thinking that Jinny is most likely 15, he's never built a thing in his life,
let's see some of your esteemed work Jinny... anything...
I bet you have nothing...
now go away little fly... go away... before I swat you.How is this post any different than the ones I have posted to you?
and have been banned for?
Is this what we can all expect from the moderators on this Forum?
Is this threatening rant the best example of how a leader of this community should conduct him?????self?. Look Kris, yes it is true that I am the first to say that I should take more time to edit myself and check my spellinbg and grammer. But really you either get it or you don't And you ma man obviously don't. Yes it is true that I do not use SU in the same way that many of you may. But know this I have used it since V2 am good friends with the founders and have seen it grow from its infancy to what it is today? I am not going to get into a whole my dad is bigger than your dad childish discussion with you on my lack of computer skills. You are the man your work is truely superior to mine on SU. feel better?
I use it from a Home builders perspective. mainly for layout of cabinet walls, furniture plans, etc... Nothing too exciting there.As far as the NAMBLA thing??? I have no clue as to what greek you are speaking.? Same goes for Blanch jokes? Way over my juvenile head.
Yes it is true that I think you are a rube and the same could be said for boofredlay. My point is that from what I have seen from your writings as well as what you said to me above The idiot is you. You are a sucker, knee jerk, reactionary. incapable of an articulate origional thought. NOT worthy of the post you hold or the stature you enjoy with our community. Just keeping it real.
JImmy
poster-J1mmy
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