Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel,
where I had sex with each of them three times.'Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'
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Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate £10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
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Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?
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Box Donation
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
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Hi Dermot,
i like Box Donate, Senility and Catholic Dog. It seems to me the real irish humor. Bring more of that.
Karlheinz
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Okay . .I am not a real Irish. ..but I play one on TV
this was told to me by a good friend of mine who is Irish. You have to read this aloud using your best Irish Brogue.
Seamus was hobbin' down the street with one foot in the gutter and the other foot up on the curb. He was a-stumblin' and a-hobblin' all over the place.
A FIne ELegant English gentleman stops him and says to him. . ."Good Heavens Man! You are drunk! You hear me! Drunk! Drunk! Drunk! IT's Disgraceful!"
"Thanks be to the Saints", says Seamus, "I thought I'd gone Lame!" -
What Starts with F and ends with K
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms.. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'Harry:
'9.'Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'Harry:
'36.'And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
'Let me ask him some questions.'The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry:
'Pants.'Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T , is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry:
'Coconut.'The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks:
'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
does on three legs?'Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong! -
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One bright and sunny Sunday afternoon, 4 middle-aged men decide to go down to the local golf course and play.
When the men arrive to the course, the 4th guy gets a call, and decides to take it.
While the 4th guy is gone, the other 3 begin talking about their children while waiting for the man to return.
The first man said, "My son is making a name for himself. He started as a local real estate agent. He now owns his own firm. In fact, he gave a good friend of his a brand new house within the past 6 months, as a gift."
The second man, not to be out done, said, "Oh yeah? Well, my son started out as a local car salesman. He now owns a chain of luxury car dealerships. In fact, he gave 2 new cars to a good friend, as a giftl within the past 6 weeks."
The third man, definately not to be outdone, said, "Oh yeeaahh? Welll. My son started out as a lowly stock broker, but he now owns his own stock broker firm. He even gave a good friend of his a big stock portfolio as a gift."
By this time, the fourth man has returned. The first guy says, "We were just talking about how successful our kids have become. What about yours?"
The guy responds, "I'm not very proud of my son. I learned just 6 months ago that my son is gay, and that he owns a hair salon." Beforee the other 3 men could say anything in disgust, the guy adds-on, "But he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a new house, 2 brand new cars, and a big stock portfolio." -
an Englishman, Scottishman and Irishman walk into a bar
the barman says 'oi! none of your jokes in here!'
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Credit Crunch - Irish Style
Young Padraic (pronounced Porik)from Galway bought a donkey from a farmer for €100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Young Padraic replied, 'well, then just give me my money back...'
The farmer said, 'can't do that. I went and spent it already..'
Young Padraic said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'what ya gonna do with him?
Young Padraic said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'you can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Young Padraic said, 'sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Young Padraic and asked, 'what happened with that dead donkey
Young Padraic said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at €2 apiece and made a profit of €898'
The farmer said, 'didn't anyone complain?'
Young Padraic said, 'just the guy who won. So I gave him back his €2'
Young Padraic became an investment broker for Anglo Irish Bank -
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It 's these breasts You have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".
"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was My first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
" Well, Eve, how is My favourite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?" ( So Much for that "Rib" Fairy tale )
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Paddy Has A Broken Leg
Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin?"
"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed. He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of f*****g one?" -
Less of a joke and more of a story, but funny none the less.
http://lorien.ncl.ac.uk/ming/Dept/Fun/jokes/creative.htm
A TRUE STORY RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR
You know that book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here's a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name deleted) and Gary (last name deleted).
First, the Assignment:
English 44A
SMU
Creative Writing
Prof. MillerIn-class Assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
And now, the Assignment as submitted by Rebecca & Gary:
Rebecca starts:
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.
Gary:
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed, asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
Rebecca:
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychologically brutalising the one woman who had
ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4."Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel",
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited
her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth --
when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to
read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at
all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to
become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Gary:
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted, wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenceless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty, the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverise the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.
The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporised Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
Rebecca:
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Gary:
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centred, tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Rebecca: Asshole.
Gary: Bitch.
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Seamus , the police and a cow named Bessie
An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus...
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the
accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I
had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the......''I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's
answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and
didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes..
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in
hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the f**k would you have said? -
http://www.c4vct.com/kym/humor/mitlettr.htm
A Letter From M.I.T.MIT certainly has a reputation to be proud of, but its admissions department went a little over-board, I think. The first letter is an honest-to-goodness mailing from MIT, the second is one prospective student's reply:
April 18, 1994
Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567
Dear John:You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be. But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.
The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!
Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.
What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here is tough and demanding, but it's also fun. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom.
You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.
You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too.
Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?
Sincerely,
Michael C. Benhke
Director of AdmissionsP.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form.
May 5, 1994
Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307Dear Michael:
You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be. But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only one of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!
Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.
What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I am self-indulgent and over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.
You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.
You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too.
Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?
Sincerely,
John MonganP.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.
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An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment..
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?''Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
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Two different theories exist concerning the origin of children: the theory of
sexual reproduction, and the theory of the stork. Many people believe in the
theory of sexual reproduction because they have been taught this theory
at school.In reality, however, many of the world's leading scientists are in
favour of the theory of the stork. If the theory of sexual
reproduction is taught in schools, it must only be taught as a theory
and not as the truth. Alternative theories, such as the theory of the
stork, must also be taught.Evidence supporting the theory of the stork includes the following:
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It is a scientifically established fact that the stork does exist.
This can be confirmed by every ornithologist. -
The alledged human foetal development contains several features
that the theory of sexual reproduction is unable to explain. -
The theory of sexual reproduction implies that a child is approximately
nine months old at birth. This is an absurd claim. Everyone knows that a
newborn child is newborn. -
According to the theory of sexual reproduction, children are a result of
sexual intercourse. There are, however, several well documented cases where
sexual intercourse has not led to the birth of a child. -
Statistical studies in the Netherlands have indicated a positive correlation
between the birth rate and the number of storks. Both are decreasing. -
The theory of the stork can be investigated by rigorous scientific methods.
The only assumption involved is that children are delivered by the stork.
(Original version by Erkki Aalto, Dept. of Obstetrics, Gynaecology and Stork
Science, University of Helsinki ---
English version by Jopi Louko, Institute of Stork Research,
University of Alberta) -
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Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk guy led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on thewall.
'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friends asked.
'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.
'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'
'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'
'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.
'Just watch' he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pri*#. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning!!!'
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