Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?

tim

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President

Actually that was a Quayle-ism, though that idiot Reagan uttered something similarly inane.

Jasper Carrott's take on the ultimate Country and Western song went something like -
"Since they took my momma off to prison
thing's ain't bin the same around the farm
now they gone and let'er out the gaolhouse
an'she drove her goddam truck into a train!"

Perfection in a single verse.

KXI System

@alan fraser said:

From the book “Disorder in the American Courts.” Quotes from actual court transcripts.

Ahh... that made my day

KXI System

OK, this is based on a strange conversation that I had today with my friends:

Q: If you would be a girl for 50 sec what would you do? (we're all guys, just to note)

Guy1: I'll slap a guy then walk away

Guy2: I'll get away with murderer

Guy3: How big are my boobs first?

The rest is really dirty that I can't give away in public, so PM me if you wanna know what Guy3 said.

david_h

@unknownuser said:

Governmentium (symbol=Gv)
when Super-density is achieved it becomes Gv-545 also known as Pelosium but thankfully. . .it is inert.

d12dozr

The Pastor’s Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race
again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get rid
of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
near by convent.

  The local paper, hearing of the news, posted

the following headline the
next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN...

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

  The bishop was buried the next day.

dermotcoll

Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age, All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's' magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while..
To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip.
However, the Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, "And that, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel"

d12dozr

Widdle Wabbit

A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks,
in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,
mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,
or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her
hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

tomot

!

dale

A horse walks into a bar, the Bartender looks at him and says " Why the long face"

remus

@dale said:

A horse walks into a bar, the Bartender looks at him and says " Why the long face"

Classic!

dale

@remus said:

@dale said:

A horse walks into a bar, the Bartender looks at him and says " Why the long face"

Classic!

Probably more like "ancient"

dale

or how about... A termite walks into a bar and says "Wheres the bar tender"
Just goes downhill from here...

TIG

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Could I have a..."...

After some minutes he finishes... "a cold beer, please ?"

The bar man says, "Why the big pause ?"

"paws"

TIG

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "A pint of Guiness and a mop, please".

remus

An infinite number of mathematicians walk in to a bar. The first orders a pint, the second orders 1/2 a pint and the third 1/4 of a pint, at which point the barman proclaims "f*** this" and pours 2 pints.

david_h

%(#FF4000)[A guy walks into a bar carrying a set of jumper cables.
The bartender says, "All right, I'll serve you, but don't try to start anything."]
A kangaroo walks into a bar, sits down and orders a martini. Bartender mixes it up, puts it on the bar and says "That'll be eleven dollars." The kangaroo arches an eyebrow but reaches into her pouch, pulls out a twenty and slaps it on the bar. Bartender picks it up and says "By the way, we don't get many kangaroos in here." "Yeah," says the 'roo, "And at eleven bucks a pop I'm not surprised."

Guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to quick make ten double martinis. The bartender whips them up and puts them on the bar and the guy starts belt them back as fast as he can. After the 5th one the bartender says "Whoa, slow down there a bit"! The guy says, "If you knew what I had you wou would understand" and finishes all ten. The bartender says, "Listen buddy, I don't want to pry but what DO you have"? The guy says, "50 cents"

david_h

okay . . .one more. . .

%(#4040BF)[So a blonde, strangely enough, has earned her pilots license for flying airplanes, but one day wants to fly a helicopter. So she ventures to the airfield where she is greeted by a pilot and says to him:
"I'd like to fly a helicopter". So the pilot says he'll coach her by radio when she's in the air. So she's climbing in the helicopter up and up until 3000 feet where the helicopter just drops, thankfully she survives, and the pilot asks her:
Why did you drop? and she said it got a little cold so she turned off the fan.]

david_h

One more. . .
%(#BF0000)[A young lady came home, squeeling her tires as she turned into the driveway and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs;

"Honey, pack your bags. I won the Mega Millions lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my HECK!!! That is Terrific! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."]

KXI System

@unknownuser said:

The guy says, "50 cents"

Hey! Who stole that from me?

david_h

oh . . did you post that one already. Sorry. Well it's a good one. Worth retelling.