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    • Alan FraserA Offline
      Alan Fraser
      last edited by

      From the book “Disorder in the American Courts.” Quotes from actual court transcripts.

      ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
      WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


      ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
      WITNESS: July 18th.
      ATTORNEY: What year?
      WITNESS: Every year.


      ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
      WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


      ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
      WITNESS: Yes.
      ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
      WITNESS: I forget.
      ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


      ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
      WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
      ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
      WITNESS: Forty-five years.


      ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
      WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
      ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
      WITNESS: My name is Susan.


      ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
      WITNESS: We both do.
      ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
      WITNESS: We do.
      ATTORNEY: You do?
      WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.


      ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
      WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


      ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
      WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.


      ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
      WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?


      ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
      WITNESS: Yes.
      ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
      WITNESS: Uh….


      ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
      WITNESS: Yes.
      ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
      WITNESS: None.
      ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?


      ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
      WITNESS: By death.
      ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?


      ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
      WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
      ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?


      ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
      WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


      ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
      on dead people?
      WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


      ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
      you go to?
      WITNESS: Oral.


      ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
      WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
      ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
      WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!


      ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
      WITNESS: Huh?


      ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
      WITNESS: No.
      ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
      WITNESS: No.
      ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
      WITNESS: No.
      ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
      WITNESS: No.
      ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
      WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
      ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
      WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

      3D Figures
      Were you required to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more?
      You could be entitled to compensation. Call the Pro Claimers now!

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      • T Offline
        tim
        last edited by

        @unknownuser said:

        It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
        --Al Gore, Vice President

        Actually that was a Quayle-ism, though that idiot Reagan uttered something similarly inane.

        Jasper Carrott's take on the ultimate Country and Western song went something like -
        "Since they took my momma off to prison
        thing's ain't bin the same around the farm
        now they gone and let'er out the gaolhouse
        an'she drove her goddam truck into a train!"

        Perfection in a single verse.

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        • K Offline
          KXI System
          last edited by

          @alan fraser said:

          From the book “Disorder in the American Courts.” Quotes from actual court transcripts.

          🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣
          🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣
          Ahh... that made my day ☀

          Getting the perfect sig is hard...

          Google it!

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          • K Offline
            KXI System
            last edited by

            OK, this is based on a strange conversation that I had today with my friends:

            Q: If you would be a girl for 50 sec what would you do? (we're all guys, just to note)

            Guy1: I'll slap a guy then walk away

            Guy2: I'll get away with murderer

            Guy3: How big are my boobs first?

            The rest is really dirty that I can't give away in public, so PM me if you wanna know what Guy3 said.

            Getting the perfect sig is hard...

            Google it!

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            • david_hD Offline
              david_h
              last edited by

              @unknownuser said:

              Governmentium (symbol=Gv)
              when Super-density is achieved it becomes Gv-545 also known as Pelosium but thankfully. . .it is inert. 💚

              If I make it look easy...It is probably easy

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              • D Offline
                d12dozr
                last edited by

                The Pastor’s Ass

                The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

                The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
                that he entered it in the race
                again, and it won again.

                The local paper read:

                PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

                The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
                publicity that he ordered the
                pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

                The next day, the local paper headline read:
                BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

                This was too much for the bishop, so he
                ordered the pastor to get rid
                of the donkey.

                The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
                near by convent.

                  The local paper, hearing of the news, posted 
                

                the following headline the
                next day:

                NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN...

                The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to
                get rid of the donkey, so she
                sold it to a farmer for $10.

                The next day the paper read:

                NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

                This was too much for the bishop, so he
                ordered the nun to buy back the
                donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
                wild.

                The next day the headlines read:
                NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

                  The bishop was buried the next day.
                

                3D Printing with SketchUp Book
                http://goo.gl/f7ooYh

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                • dermotcollD Offline
                  dermotcoll
                  last edited by

                  Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age, All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's' magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while..
                  To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip.
                  However, the Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.
                  So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested.
                  After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.
                  They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
                  When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, "And that, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel"

                  When you burn your arse - you gotta sit on the blisters!!

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                  • D Offline
                    d12dozr
                    last edited by

                    Widdle Wabbit

                    A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks,
                    in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,
                    mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

                    As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
                    he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,
                    or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

                    She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her
                    hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
                    "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

                    3D Printing with SketchUp Book
                    http://goo.gl/f7ooYh

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                    • T Offline
                      tomot
                      last edited by

                      !


                      image007.jpg

                      [my plugins](http://thingsvirtual.blogspot.ca/)
                      tomot

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                      • daleD Offline
                        dale
                        last edited by

                        A horse walks into a bar, the Bartender looks at him and says " Why the long face"

                        Just monkeying around....like Monsanto

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                        • R Offline
                          remus
                          last edited by

                          @dale said:

                          A horse walks into a bar, the Bartender looks at him and says " Why the long face"

                          😆 Classic!

                          http://remusrendering.wordpress.com/

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                          • daleD Offline
                            dale
                            last edited by

                            @remus said:

                            @dale said:

                            A horse walks into a bar, the Bartender looks at him and says " Why the long face"

                            😆 Classic!

                            Probably more like "ancient" 😳

                            Just monkeying around....like Monsanto

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                            • daleD Offline
                              dale
                              last edited by

                              or how about... A termite walks into a bar and says "Wheres the bar tender"
                              Just goes downhill from here...

                              Just monkeying around....like Monsanto

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                              • TIGT Offline
                                TIG Moderator
                                last edited by

                                A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Could I have a..."...

                                After some minutes he finishes... "a cold beer, please ?"

                                The bar man says, "Why the big pause ?"

                                "paws"
                                😒

                                TIG

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                                • TIGT Offline
                                  TIG Moderator
                                  last edited by

                                  A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "A pint of Guiness and a mop, please".
                                  🤣

                                  TIG

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                                  • R Offline
                                    remus
                                    last edited by

                                    An infinite number of mathematicians walk in to a bar. The first orders a pint, the second orders 1/2 a pint and the third 1/4 of a pint, at which point the barman proclaims "f*** this" and pours 2 pints.

                                    http://remusrendering.wordpress.com/

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                                    • david_hD Offline
                                      david_h
                                      last edited by

                                      %(#FF4000)[A guy walks into a bar carrying a set of jumper cables.
                                      The bartender says, "All right, I'll serve you, but don't try to start anything."]
                                      A kangaroo walks into a bar, sits down and orders a martini. Bartender mixes it up, puts it on the bar and says "That'll be eleven dollars." The kangaroo arches an eyebrow but reaches into her pouch, pulls out a twenty and slaps it on the bar. Bartender picks it up and says "By the way, we don't get many kangaroos in here." "Yeah," says the 'roo, "And at eleven bucks a pop I'm not surprised."

                                      Guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to quick make ten double martinis. The bartender whips them up and puts them on the bar and the guy starts belt them back as fast as he can. After the 5th one the bartender says "Whoa, slow down there a bit"! The guy says, "If you knew what I had you wou would understand" and finishes all ten. The bartender says, "Listen buddy, I don't want to pry but what DO you have"? The guy says, "50 cents"

                                      If I make it look easy...It is probably easy

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                                      • david_hD Offline
                                        david_h
                                        last edited by

                                        okay . . .one more. . .

                                        %(#4040BF)[So a blonde, strangely enough, has earned her pilots license for flying airplanes, but one day wants to fly a helicopter. So she ventures to the airfield where she is greeted by a pilot and says to him:
                                        "I'd like to fly a helicopter". So the pilot says he'll coach her by radio when she's in the air. So she's climbing in the helicopter up and up until 3000 feet where the helicopter just drops, thankfully she survives, and the pilot asks her:
                                        Why did you drop? and she said it got a little cold so she turned off the fan.]

                                        If I make it look easy...It is probably easy

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                                        • david_hD Offline
                                          david_h
                                          last edited by

                                          One more. . .
                                          %(#BF0000)[A young lady came home, squeeling her tires as she turned into the driveway and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs;

                                          "Honey, pack your bags. I won the Mega Millions lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my HECK!!! That is Terrific! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

                                          "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."]

                                          If I make it look easy...It is probably easy

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                                          • K Offline
                                            KXI System
                                            last edited by

                                            @unknownuser said:

                                            The guy says, "50 cents"

                                            Hey! Who stole that from me?

                                            Getting the perfect sig is hard...

                                            Google it!

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