Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?

solo

hmmm, once you get to a certain size you no longer are drinking beer, you are now consuming quarks.

TIG

hmmm, once you get to a certain size you no longer are drinking beer, you are now consuming quarks.

Aha, but as you know quarks have flavors: up, down, charm, strange, top, and bottom.
Perhaps this thought experiment will lead us to finding that the Higgs Boson is actually made of beer?
It can't really be made of strings! Can it ?
Who needs the LHC - this forum might have already uncovered the truth...

On a funnier note this short clip is very good [I think] http://www.ted.com/talks/charles_fleischer_insists_all_things_are_moleeds.html
Shows how esoteric science can get...

remus

@solo said:

hmmm, once you get to a certain size you no longer are drinking beer, you are now consuming quarks.

Tasty, tasty beer quarks, though.

Alan Fraser

solo

Is that for real? a beer called 'Quarks'?

TIG

The phrase "Three Quarks for Muster Mark" in James Joyce's Finnegan's Wake is often cited as the source of the physicists' word "Quark", the name of one of the main kinds of elementary particles, proposed by the physicist Murray Gell-Mann.

The word "quark" originally comes from the standard English verb to "quark", meaning "to caw, croak," and also from the dialectal verb to "quawk", meaning "to caw, screech like a bird..." [like "squawk"]

I've never seen "Quark's Beer" - I suspect Photoshop perhaps has a hand in some deception
There's quark cheese stuff that is not so good...

There should be a Quark Beer !

solo

Super Bowl, A Die Hard Fan...

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head.

"No, they're all at her funeral."

Stinkie

Not a joke as such, but funny nonetheless: http://ubuntuce.com/

boofredlay

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

boofredlay

When I checked into my motel, I asked the lady at the desk:
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

Khai

supposed to be true

@unknownuser said:

A KingAir had just rotated (lifted-off the runway) at take-off when there was an enormous bang and the starboard engine burst into flames. After stamping on the rudder to sort out the asymmetric thrust, trying to feather the propeller and going through the engine fire drills with considerable calmness and aplomb, the stress took its toll on the Captain... He transmitted to the tower in a level friendly voice: "Ladies and gentleman. There is no problem at all but we're just going to land for a nice cup of tea." He then switched to cabin intercom and screamed at the passengers: "Mayday. Mayday. Mayday. Engine fire. Prop won't feather. If I can't hold this asymmetric we're going in. Emergency landing. Get the crash crew out."

The aircraft landed safely with the passengers' hair standing on end.

Gaieus

@unknownuser said:

When I checked into my motel, I asked the lady at the desk:
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

Now true that I had to read it twice (the pun didn't come thru first) but then I fell off my chair almost.

KXI System

[original story, yes I made it up on the spot]

A man came into a cafe and rudely ordered coffee, the waitress that was serving him was offended and asked:

"Who do you think you are?!"

The man turned towards her with a grim look and said, "I am Superman"

"Excuse me?" she replied

"I said, I am Superman!" The man yelled back

By now the whole cafe heard it, and was looking at the man.

"Don't believe me, heres my card." the man said as he handed the waitress a small card.

The waitress took it and this is what she saw:

Need a Strong Law Firm?
Call Eyyam Suparman!
567-7852

tomot

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!'
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped !'
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !
Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, He gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph.
He was feeling pretty good until he looked in his mirror and saw the old man gaining on him AGAIN !
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?'
The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror'.

Dave R

Hey did ya hear about Lena 's first pregnancy & delivery?

Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, 'I tink it's time!'
So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat Great!'
Well, Ole got excited by dis , but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We
ain't finished yet!' The doctor den held up a little girl.. He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's a pretty little ting, too.'

Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said, 'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't done
yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Ole, you yust had yourself
another boy!' Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three Children home in the back of the pickup.
He was real Serious and he asked Lena , 'How come we got tree on the first try?'

Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and You vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?' Ole said, 'Yeah, I do.. Uffda! It's a dam good ting I didn't get the WD-40 !

dermotcoll

Granny gets herself ready to go on her date with Charles. When Charles arrives she hobbles out to meet him, and Charles notices she is really stuggling to walk down the path, wincing in agony at each step. He worriedly enquires why she is in pain so she tells him it is due to her new deodorant. Puzzled, he asks her to explain. She explains that she got a new push stick deodorant and she read the instructions which told her to remove the cap and push up bottom. She is in agony now but every time she farts the room smells divine!!!!

solo

Top Ten Country Western Songs:

I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

dale

Marian

I actually thought these were made up song titles, until i looked some of them on youtube.......
What a weird world we live in...

dale

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender he doesn't have any money but wants a drink, but instead of paying he will put on a spectacular show for the patrons. The bartender is skeptical, but say "OK lets see what you got"
The guy reaches under his coat a pulls out a little piano with about a foot tall man sitting at it, and on cue the little guy starts wailing away on the piano, and just wow's the bartender.
The bartender gets him a drink and asks him where he got the little guy, and the man replies "from this", and pulls out an old Genie bottle.
Well the bartender asks him if he can ask the Genie for a wish, and surprisingly the man agrees.
The bartender closes his eyes and makes his wish, and "BANG" the bar fills up with a bunch of ducks!
"I didn't ask for a million Ducks" screams the bartender, "I asked for a Million bucks"
The guy looks at him an replies " You think I asked for a twelve inch Pianist?"