Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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An elderly Italian man lay crippled and dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.
Gathering every ounce of his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly and painfully made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. Finally, with laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, cooling on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite anisette sprinkled cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he dragged himself to the table, picked up a cookie and just as he was about to take a bite, his wife snatched the cookie from his grasp.
"Donta you touch," his wife warned. " Those are for the funeral."
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Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom , her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sht is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!Regards
Mr S=======
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"The Friendly Place for all You Google SketchUp Nerds"
(This phrase just keeps popping up in my mind every time I login here)
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A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?" -
Doris and Betty are sitting outside having a cigarette when it suddenly starts to rain... Doris pulls out a condom, snips the end off and then slips it over her cigarette to keep it dry...
Betty: "That's wonderful Doris, where did you get it??"
Doris: "They sell them at the chemists, dear."
Betty duly goes along to the chemists and asks: "Have you got any of those condom thingies?"
Chemist: "Certainly dear. What size?"
Betty: "Big enough to fit a Camel..."
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What does DNA stand for ?
The National Dyslexia Association
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If a man speaks in the middle of a forest and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
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read a really interesting article on dwarfs the other day.
aparently 1 in 7 is a doctor.
Pav
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1/7 of dwarfs. . .(is it PC to use that term?) are dopey too.
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What do you call a blind Bambi?
No-eye deer.
What do you call a blind Bambi with no legs?
Still no-eye deer.
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A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs.'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra....
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@alan fraser said:
What do you call a blind Bambi?
No-eye deer.
What do you call a blind Bambi with no legs?
Still no-eye deer.
Those are some real groaners Alan. How about this one...
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Elephino
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@alan fraser said:
Bambi with no legs?
how about a woman with one leg?
ilene
japanese woman with one leg?
irene
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During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked, “How do you decide if a patient should be institutionalized.”
"Well," said the Director, "we fill a bath, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I see," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?" -
two guys walk into a bar..
you'd think one of them would've seen it...
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Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and asks "So, do you know how to drive this thing?".
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Two dyslexics walk into a bra.
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2 ballerinas walk in to a barre. . .
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