Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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Letter to the husband:
@unknownuser said:
Dear Joe,
I was coming home when in front of the garage door I accidentally pushed the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door got bent a little but the truck luckily stopped when it hit your car a bit.
I am awfully sorry but I'm sure you forgive me.
Love;
Janep.s. Your girlfriend called. She is pregnant.
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A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tatooed, welfare dependent woman wearing a Celtic top
walked into the ASDA supermarket in Castlemilk (a sprawling council estate on Glasgow's south side) with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.The ASDA greeter said pleasantly,
'Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA.''Nice children you have there.
Are they twins by any chance?'The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'F*** naw, they're nae twins.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the f*** would you think they're twins?
Are you blind, thick or just stupid?''I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,'replied the greeter.
'I just couldn't believe you've been s******d twice.'Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.'
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Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she, & Charles, had retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed & said "Please remove my shoes darling. Ones feet are killing one."
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor... But it would not budge.
"Harder" yelled Camilla. "Harder."Charles yelled back "I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on, give it all you've got" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan, & Camilla exclaimed "There! Oh God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip & said "See, I told you she was still a virgin with a dog ugly face like that!"
Meanwhile, back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out "Oh God, darling, this one's even tighter!"
At which point, Prince Phillip turned & said to the Queen "That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
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While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom. A week after arriving back home, he wakes one morning to find his p***s covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. When the man returns the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it. I'm sorry, but there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate it.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.' The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your
choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.' The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.The Chinese doctor examines his p***s and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can you do for me? My own doctor wants to operate and amputate it!'The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid docta, always want to opelate. Make more money dat way. No need to opelate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Fawl off by itself!'
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After being married for 41 years, I took a careful look at my wife one
day and said, 'Honey, 41 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap
car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I
got to sleep every night with a hot 22-year-old gal.Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice
big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old
woman.It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.'
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go
out and find a hot 22-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I
would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,
sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. -
An elderly Italian man lay crippled and dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.
Gathering every ounce of his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly and painfully made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. Finally, with laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, cooling on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite anisette sprinkled cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he dragged himself to the table, picked up a cookie and just as he was about to take a bite, his wife snatched the cookie from his grasp.
"Donta you touch," his wife warned. " Those are for the funeral."
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Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom , her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sht is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!Regards
Mr S=======
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"The Friendly Place for all You Google SketchUp Nerds"
(This phrase just keeps popping up in my mind every time I login here)
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A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?" -
Doris and Betty are sitting outside having a cigarette when it suddenly starts to rain... Doris pulls out a condom, snips the end off and then slips it over her cigarette to keep it dry...
Betty: "That's wonderful Doris, where did you get it??"
Doris: "They sell them at the chemists, dear."
Betty duly goes along to the chemists and asks: "Have you got any of those condom thingies?"
Chemist: "Certainly dear. What size?"
Betty: "Big enough to fit a Camel..."
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What does DNA stand for ?
The National Dyslexia Association
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If a man speaks in the middle of a forest and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
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read a really interesting article on dwarfs the other day.
aparently 1 in 7 is a doctor.
Pav
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1/7 of dwarfs. . .(is it PC to use that term?) are dopey too.
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What do you call a blind Bambi?
No-eye deer.
What do you call a blind Bambi with no legs?
Still no-eye deer.
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A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs.'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra....
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@alan fraser said:
What do you call a blind Bambi?
No-eye deer.
What do you call a blind Bambi with no legs?
Still no-eye deer.
Those are some real groaners Alan. How about this one...
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Elephino
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@alan fraser said:
Bambi with no legs?
how about a woman with one leg?
ilene
japanese woman with one leg?
irene
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During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked, “How do you decide if a patient should be institutionalized.”
"Well," said the Director, "we fill a bath, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I see," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"
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