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    Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?

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    • M Offline
      Mr S
      last edited by

      Lesson 1:
      A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
      The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
      When she gets to the bathroom , her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

      Moral of the story:
      If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

      Lesson 2:
      A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
      The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
      The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
      The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
      The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
      Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
      On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
      Moral of the story:
      If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

      Lesson 3:
      A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
      They rub it and a genie comes out.
      The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
      'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..'
      Puff! She's gone.
      'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
      Puff! He's gone.
      'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
      The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'

      Moral of the story:
      Always let your boss have the first say.

      Lesson 4
      An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
      A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
      The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
      So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
      All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
      Moral of the story:
      To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

      Lesson 5
      A turkey was chatting with a bull.
      'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
      'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
      The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
      The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
      Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
      He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
      Moral of the story:
      Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

      Lesson 6
      A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
      While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
      As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
      The dung was actually thawing him out!
      He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
      A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
      Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

      Morals of the story:
      (1) Not everyone who shts on you is your enemy.
      (2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh
      t is your friend.
      (3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

      Regards
      Mr S

      =======

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      • E Offline
        Ecuadorian
        last edited by

        "The Friendly Place for all You Google SketchUp Nerds"

        (This phrase just keeps popping up in my mind every time I login here)

        -Miguel Lescano
        Subscribe to my house plans YouTube channel! (30K+ subs)

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        • J Offline
          Jackson
          last edited by

          🤣 🤣 🤣

          Jackson

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          • Alan FraserA Offline
            Alan Fraser
            last edited by

            A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
            Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
            Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
            Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
            The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
            "Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"

            3D Figures
            Were you required to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more?
            You could be entitled to compensation. Call the Pro Claimers now!

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            • Alan FraserA Offline
              Alan Fraser
              last edited by

              Doris and Betty are sitting outside having a cigarette when it suddenly starts to rain... Doris pulls out a condom, snips the end off and then slips it over her cigarette to keep it dry...

              Betty: "That's wonderful Doris, where did you get it??"

              Doris: "They sell them at the chemists, dear."

              Betty duly goes along to the chemists and asks: "Have you got any of those condom thingies?"

              Chemist: "Certainly dear. What size?"

              Betty: "Big enough to fit a Camel..."

              3D Figures
              Were you required to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more?
              You could be entitled to compensation. Call the Pro Claimers now!

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              • Alan FraserA Offline
                Alan Fraser
                last edited by

                What does DNA stand for ?

                The National Dyslexia Association

                3D Figures
                Were you required to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more?
                You could be entitled to compensation. Call the Pro Claimers now!

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                • Alan FraserA Offline
                  Alan Fraser
                  last edited by

                  If a man speaks in the middle of a forest and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

                  3D Figures
                  Were you required to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more?
                  You could be entitled to compensation. Call the Pro Claimers now!

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                  • P Offline
                    pav_3j
                    last edited by

                    read a really interesting article on dwarfs the other day.

                    aparently 1 in 7 is a doctor.

                    Pav

                    Just won the 'Who is Least Competitive Championships' where trying to win will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.

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                    • david_hD Offline
                      david_h
                      last edited by

                      1/7 of dwarfs. . .(is it PC to use that term?) are dopey too.

                      If I make it look easy...It is probably easy

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                      • Alan FraserA Offline
                        Alan Fraser
                        last edited by

                        What do you call a blind Bambi?

                        No-eye deer.

                        What do you call a blind Bambi with no legs?

                        Still no-eye deer.

                        3D Figures
                        Were you required to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more?
                        You could be entitled to compensation. Call the Pro Claimers now!

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                        • Alan FraserA Offline
                          Alan Fraser
                          last edited by

                          A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
                          He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs.'
                          The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !

                          Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
                          One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

                          I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

                          A dyslexic man walks into a bra....

                          3D Figures
                          Were you required to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more?
                          You could be entitled to compensation. Call the Pro Claimers now!

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                          • E Offline
                            ehaflett
                            last edited by

                            @alan fraser said:

                            What do you call a blind Bambi?

                            No-eye deer.

                            What do you call a blind Bambi with no legs?

                            Still no-eye deer.

                            Those are some real groaners Alan. How about this one...

                            What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

                            Elephino

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                            • jeff hammondJ Offline
                              jeff hammond
                              last edited by

                              @alan fraser said:

                              Bambi with no legs?

                              how about a woman with one leg?

                              ilene

                              japanese woman with one leg?

                              irene

                              dotdotdot

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                              • Alan FraserA Offline
                                Alan Fraser
                                last edited by

                                During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked, “How do you decide if a patient should be institutionalized.”
                                "Well," said the Director, "we fill a bath, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub."
                                "Oh, I see," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
                                "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
                                Do you want a bed near the window?"

                                3D Figures
                                Were you required to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more?
                                You could be entitled to compensation. Call the Pro Claimers now!

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                                • jeff hammondJ Offline
                                  jeff hammond
                                  last edited by

                                  two guys walk into a bar..

                                  you'd think one of them would've seen it...

                                  dotdotdot

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                                  • J Offline
                                    Jackson
                                    last edited by

                                    Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and asks "So, do you know how to drive this thing?".

                                    Jackson

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                                    • J Offline
                                      Jackson
                                      last edited by

                                      Two dyslexics walk into a bra.

                                      Jackson

                                      1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                      • jeff hammondJ Offline
                                        jeff hammond
                                        last edited by

                                        @jackson said:

                                        Two dyslexics walk into a bra.

                                        haha

                                        dotdotdot

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                                        • david_hD Offline
                                          david_h
                                          last edited by

                                          2 ballerinas walk in to a barre. . .

                                          If I make it look easy...It is probably easy

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                                          • T Offline
                                            tim
                                            last edited by

                                            @jackson said:

                                            Two dyslexics walk into a bra.

                                            An old VP of mine tried to convince me that dyslexics have daily sex

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