Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the
clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?""About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question.The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
I?"He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude."
"You must be an ARCHITECT," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "how did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a CONTRACTOR."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
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I bought a dog from the local blacksmith the other day. As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.
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My problem with my original profession was that an archaeologist's career is always in ruins.
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Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
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Resist change at all costs. Round up to the next dollar.
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@unknownuser said:
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude."
"You must be an ARCHITECT," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "how did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a CONTRACTOR."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
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An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does". -
One day God calls down to Noah and says, “Noah me old China, I want you to make me a new Ark”.
Noah replies, “No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you’re the guv’… ”
But God interrupts, “Ah, but there’s a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other”.
“20 DECKS!”, screams Noah. “Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?”
“Yep, that’s right, well . .. Sort of right . . This time I want you to fill it up with fish”, God answers.
“Fish?”, queries Noah “Yep, fish . . Well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp – wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!”
Noah looks to the skies. “OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?”
“Check”.
“With 20 decks, one on top of the other?”.
“Check”.
“And you want it full of Carp?”.
“Check”
“Why?” asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..
“Dunno”, says God, “I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark”.
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There was an old woman from Belize
Who orgasmed each time she'd sneeze
Even ice cream and cake
Made her quiver and shake
When they were ordered "with black pepper please!" -
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'
She replied, 'aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'and be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'no, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?
She replied, 'oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'and tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'
The Father said, 'that's wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'e's gone to Rome to blow out yer freakin' candle.' -
Copied and pasted just as I found it.
@unknownuser said:
Paddy and Mick walking down a street in London. Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said:
"Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, Look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent.'
'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.' says Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and ......."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well...yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How d' y' know dat?"
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."
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Rich and Mike will love this one!
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Once someone explains it to them a few times.
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Last year, after having dug to a depth of 5 metres, Canadian archaeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years.
They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago !Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 10 metres. Shortly afterwards, a story was published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire at a depth of 10 metres, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians" !A week later, Belfast authorities reported the following:
"After digging to a depth of 20 metres in BELFAST , Jack Arkwright, self-taught archaeologist reported that he had found, "absolutely fuck all" !
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, N. IRELAND had already gone wireless" !Just makes you bloody proud doesn’t it !
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.' -
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