Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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Home Remedies
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
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AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
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AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
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FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
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A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
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IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
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YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
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IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS
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Chuck Norris once vacationed in the virgin islands. . .and when he returned. . .they were called simply "the Islands".
Chuck Norris flosses with Barbed Wire.
After watching an episode of Walker Texas Ranger, the country of France Surrendered to Chuck Norris. . .just in case.
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The madam opened the brothel door in Inverness and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.
Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.
After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"
The man replied, "Edinburgh."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer
She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
- Death
- Taxes
- Being screwed by a lawyer!
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Beethoven
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
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Remarkable Obituary:
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. Mr.
Sense had been with us for many years.. No one knows for sure how old he was
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will
be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons such as knowing
when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that
life isn't always fair..Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in
charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. - Reports of a six-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from
school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding
an unruly student, only worsened his condition.Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer aspirin to a student, but could not inform the parents
when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better
treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a
woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a
bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement.Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is
survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and ImaWhiner. Not many attended his
funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass
this on; if not, join the majority and do nothing. -
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Gauss curve and... success:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.How old are you?
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@larsen said:
How old are you?
Between 35 and 50 - but since making money does not work, I concentrate on not peeing in my pants basically.
(I see some practice may come handy later)
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How much Cocaine did Charlie Sheen do?
Enough to kill 2 1/2 men.
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I went to see a psychic last weekend and she told me that I'd be coming into money. Last night I shagged a girl called Penny!
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A man is sitting at home on the verandah with his wife, and he says, "I love you."
She asks, "Is that you, or the beer talking?"
He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."
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Some sickipedia jokes.
@unknownuser said:
A girl on a bus said she would suck me off for £5. When she finished, she wiped her mouth and lit a fag. I thought, "What is the world coming to? I mean who sells cigarettes to a 12-year-old?"
@unknownuser said:
I walked into the pub toilet earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle.
Bloke laughed and said, "Embarrassed about your penis, hey, lad?"
A bit embarrassed, I said; "Of course not!" And made my way over to the urinal next to him.
What a hypocrite, he sure seemed embarrassed watching me take a shit.
@unknownuser said:
My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on. -
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'
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A toughlooking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
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My first thought was Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura when he figured out that Finkle was Einhorn. -
NOAH TODAY
In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah,
Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over
-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans.(you should be able to find 2 of those as well. . .)
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."I needed a Building Permit. I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."
Then the local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a SH** load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, t clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."
"Getting the gopher wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! Not to mention The huge tariffs that would be imposed if I imported the wood from China"
When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study
on your proposed flood. AND!. . .I need to alert FEMA as well and get them involved --especially after the shellacking they took after
Katrina! I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire for my building crew. The Immigration Dept. is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."The trade unions (i.e. The MOB) say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. Plus the insurance (protection I need to pay!) "That's a nice lookin' ark ya got there mac. .. shame if sumethin' was ta happen to it. . ."
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
No," said the Lord. The Government beat me to it.
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Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and is severed by the big bench saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.
The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the sawmill. A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to the hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident; this time he severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to the hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick's doing.
The nurse breaks down and cries. "He's dead," she says.
Paddy is shocked, but not all that surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher no w, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite counter tops." -
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
Chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."
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@unknownuser said:
"We're getting granite counter tops."
My wife is a kitchen designer, she's gonna love this.
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