You're an EXTREME Redneck when.....

[hebrides]

You can't spell and neither can anybody else.
S-ketchup is something to put on a grilled cheese sandwich.

[solo]

You know you are from Texas when....

~You can properly pronounce Corsicana, Palestine, Decatur, Wichita
Falls, San Antonio, Mexia, Waco, and Amarillo.

~A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

~You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

~You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door,
but by the availability of shade.

~You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

~You measure distance in minutes.

~Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.

~You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

~You know cowpies are not made of beef.

~Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

~You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

~You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.

~A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Chevy 3500 4x4 is.

~You know everything goes better with Ranch.

~You actually get these jokes and are "fixin' " to send them to your friends.

~You go to the river/lake because you think it is like going to the
Ocean.

~Finally, you are 100% Texan if you have ever heard this conversation:

"You wanna coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."

[jeff hammond]

@solo said:

~You measure distance in minutes.

i thought y'all measured distance in beers..

"how far is the rodeo?"
"ooooh, s'bout three beers"

.

[tomsdesk]

@solo said:

~You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door,
but by the availability of shade.

[Ecuadorian]

@hebrides said:

You can't spell and neither can anybody else.
S-ketchup is something to put on a grilled cheese sandwich.

SketchUp, Smustard... where's smayonnaise.com?

[hebrides]

Great idea! It's yours!

[IdahoJ]

@unknownuser said:

~A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
So true... I was visitin' some friends in Dumas a few years back and the tornado warning went off. Never having heard one, I looked at my watch thinking it was a 12 o'clock siren like I have at home. It wasn't 12 o'clock. "What's up?" I asked. "It a tornado warning." said my friend and everyone ran outside the house to look for a funnel...

[david_h]

--if your porch slants right where the porch swing is. (think about it)

It finally collapses and kills 3 hound dogs.

--Only one of the 5 cars in front yard runs. Same with the washing machines.
--You lost a cousin when she said, 'hold my beer and watch this" and now you are a widower. . .

[Phil Rader AIA]

@unknownuser said:

--You lost a cousin when she said, 'hold my beer and watch this" and now you are a widower. . .

That one made me snort coffee out my nose...

here's nother un

--your truck has five different colors of paint and not one of them is original.

[solo]

You are a Reneck from Texas when...

You ever cut your grass and found a car.

You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren''t.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.

You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

You''ve ever spray painted your girlfriend''s name on an overpass.

Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman''s anatomy.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."

You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You''ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.

Someone asks, "Where''s your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She''s at home with the kids."

Your wife''s job requires her to wear an orange vest.

You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

You have the local taxidermist''s number on speed dial.

You''ve ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

You''ve ever given rat traps as gifts.

You clean your fingernails with a stick.

Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

You''ve totaled every car you''ve ever owned.

There are more than five McDonald''s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

You''ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You''ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

You''ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

You''re considered an expert on wormbeds.

Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.

You''ve ever bought a used cap.

Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

You picked your false teeth from a catalog.

You''ve ever financed a tattoo.

You''ve ever stolen toilet paper.

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

People hear your car a long time before they see it.

The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

You go to a stock car race and don''t need a program.

Your source for toilet paper has page numbers on it.

MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.

You own a denim leisure suit.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

Your family tree does not branch.

You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.

You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.

You''ve ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.

You''ve ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call...."

You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.

Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you''re at work.

After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.

Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

All of your four letter words are two syllables.

You''ve ever been too drunk to fish.

You cut your toenails in front of company.

You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

Hitchhikers won''t get in the car with you.

You''ve ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.

Your house doesn''t have curtains but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You have grease under your toenails.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

You''ve ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You''ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

You''ve ever cleaned fish in your living room.

You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

Your father walks you to school because you and he are in the same grade.

Your house has wheels and your car doesn''t.

The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

You''ve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.

You think the French Riviera is foreign car.

Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."

Your wife''s hairdo has been caught in the ceiling fan at least once.

You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.

You own a 3 pound belt buckle.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

You have more than two relatives named "Bubba" or "Junior".

You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.

[John Sayers]

You're an EXTREME Redneck when.....

you mow the lawn and find a car.

wow Solo beat me to it.

how about - you nearly drove off the road while checking your neighbours crops.

[IdahoJ]

You think DEFCON3 is for killing rodents.

You key the mike on your CB, lights go out in for a 8 block radius...

Your "everyday" car is a '69 Peterbilt...

You laughed all the way through Stephen King's "Maximum Overdrive"...

[david_h]

You think that "trip abroad" is something you do at Hooters.
An exotic vacation passes thru Wyoming.

[IdahoJ]

Chuck Norris and Jeff Foxworthy were your write-ins in the last Presidential election...

[Dave R]

You know this by heart because it describes you.

*Down here on the farm the weather gets messy
Laying around with nothin' to do
When you went away, you took my cow Bessie
I miss her darling, more than I miss you

You took off your leg, your wig and your eye glass
And you shoud've seen the look on my face
I wanted to kiss, I wanted to hug you
But you were scattered all over the place

Chorus:
Where, where, are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over,
And thought I found true love.
You met another and
Phht! you were gone.

I know that you loved me, here's my way of knowing
The proofs hanging out right there on the line
When I see the snow and feel the wind blowing
Your nighties hugging them long johns of mine

The noises you made at our supper table
Your habits, my dear, were surely absurd
But how many times do I have to tell you
Soup is a dish to be seen and not heard

Chorus:
Where, oh where, are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over,
And thought I found true love.
You met another and
Phht! you were gone.

Remember you phoned me a-sobbin' and cryin'
The dog bit your maw, and drug her around
You said she looked pale and thought she was dying
I said "Don't worry, I'll buy a new hound."

I had six kids and you had eleven
And we had a boy, and they grew like flowers
I wish you'd come back, without you ain't heaven
'Cause your kids and my kids are beatin' up ours

Chorus:
Where, oh where, are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over,
And thought I found true love.
You met another and
Phht! you were gone*

[RayOchoa]

@solo said:

You know you are from Texas when....

~Finally, you are 100% Texan if you have ever heard this conversation:

"You wanna coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."

Damn right!