Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN
A guy calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'. Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.' The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.' He lost 63 pounds that week. -
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza. -
Why Men Are Happier People
Nicknames:
If Laura, Kate and Sarah get together, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Larry, Dave and Kirk get together, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.Money:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.Bathrooms:
A man has six items in a bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
A typical woman has an average number of 337 items in a bathroom. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.The Future:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. -
PUNS:
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ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.
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AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.
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BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.
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BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.
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CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.
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COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
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ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.
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EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
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HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.
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LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.
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MISTY: How golfers create divots.
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PARADOX: Two physicians.
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PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
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PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.
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POLARIZE: What penguins see with.
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PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
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RELIEF: What trees do in the Spring.
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RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.
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SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.
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SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.
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@unknownuser said:
Nice ones Marcus
Cheers, Boo
I also really enjoy your blog of visual puns and other pictures...especially this one:@unknownuser said:
I feel like I have been running to hard lately. Too much to do with too little time.
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Thanks Marcus.
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Heard a good one today.
Today is Star Wars day. May the 4th be with you.
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The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall, with a very strange look on his face. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what's up.
"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains: "So I gave him a box of laxatives and told him to take it all at once."
"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily."
"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall: "Look at him. He's too afraid to cough."
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
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A lion wakes up in the middle of the jungle and decides to impose his royalty to the rest of the jungle. So he walks up to a rabbit and roars "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST CREATURE OF THE JUNGLE!?" Terrified, the rabbit replies "Y-you are m-m-master" The lion feels good about scaring the rabbit, so he decides to do it again. Soon, he walks up to a pig and again roars "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST CREATURE OF THE JUNGLE!?" Just like last time, the pig said "y-you are" Now, the lion wants to do it a third time "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST CREATURE OF THE JUNGLE!?" he roared to the elephant. The elephant grabs the lion by the scruff of the neck, throws him into the air, and shuffles off. The lion starts shouting "All right! All right! There's no reason to be nasty about it just because you don't know the answer!"
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A young monk arrives at the monastery
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
"We missed the "R", we missed the "R" !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word was CELEBRATE."
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While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened
to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other,
"Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful
on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I
wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain
that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."
"I can handle that without a problem" she replied
as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two
nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said,
"A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the
counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and
placed them in the bag with the beer.. He then looked
the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said,
"The curlers are on the house. -
I just said to the wife " Right sexy, upstairs now!" She looked at me and said "Oooh, kinky bastd". I said. "No seriously, The World Cup is starting soon, now FK OFF!"
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Found written across the wall of a cave were the following symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3000 years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said:
"This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.
You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if a famine hit the earth, and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea.
The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"Idiots...
Hebrew is read from right to left... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick" -
Engineers' Most Interesting Findings
Conversion Factors for your Digestion:
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Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
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2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
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1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
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Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
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Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
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Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
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365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
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16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
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Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
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1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
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Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
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Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
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453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
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1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
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1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle
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365 days = 1 unicycle
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2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
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10 cards = 1 decacard
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52 cards = 1 deckacard
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1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
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1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
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1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
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1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
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10 rations = 1 decaration
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100 rations = 1 C-Ration
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2 monograms = 1 diagram
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8 nickels = 2 paradigms
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5 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital = 1 I.V. League
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Science jokes
[flash=640,385:18tfxn1g]http://www.youtube.com/v/e7DkeQ0roAM&hl=en_US&fs=1&[/flash:18tfxn1g]
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The first sodium ion says to the second sodium ion, "I think I lost an electron."
The second sodium ion says, "Are you positive?"groan
Mrs. Schroedinger says to Mr. Schroedinger, "What the hell did you do to the cat? It looks half dead!"
groan 2
There is nothing cruel about the Schroedinger's Cat experiment!
You aren't actually killing the cat until you try to 'measure it'...
When the Humane Society comes around and they look into your box, you can rest assured that the cat's death is entirely their fault - since you never looked...groan 3
... I'll get my coat
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What would you do?
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabbie agrees.Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new Mercedes Benz convertible. HE paid for your Hockey season tickets. HE paid for your Football season tickets. HE paid for our waterfront house. HE paid for our cottage at the lake. HE paid for our speed boat. HE paid for your country club membership, and HE even pays for your monthly dues!' Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'
The cabbie replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.'
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