Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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I heard this today.
In praise of Oats
Oats is what the British feed to horses and the Scots feed to men.
What magnificent horses and what magnificent men. -
OK folks .. the following is tongue 'n cheek as they say, don't anyone get you kickers in a knot now OK
(there is some funny stuff in it though
Europeans Heighten Threat Levels
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran
out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was during the great fire of 1666.Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised
its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher
levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and
excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. -
@unknownuser said:
...The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.Ááá... That hurt...
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*** This is not intended to offend anyone here. As they say, if the shoe fits... ***
Why you should never question a drunk
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”
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lollies!
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why is 6 affraid of 7?
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because 7 "ate" 9
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Joe Wood said
@unknownuser said:The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
... I hear the ugliest was Sir Cumcision
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the local hooker spent most of her time sub Sir Vient.
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King Arthur's head of security was Sir Veillance.
The tariff master was Sir Charge.
The knight who would not die was Sir Vivor.
The head eunuch was Sir Aglio.
The sneakiest knight was Sir Reptitious.
The obsequious knight was Sir Vile.
The one who drew all the boundaries was Sir Vey; he was Jewish. His first name was Oy.
The 24-hour knight was Sir Cadian.
The knight who ate too much was Sir Feit.
The most evil of all the knights was Sir Pent.
As Sir Galahad missed most of the meetings due to his drinking habit, he would send Sir Rogate in his stead.
The rarest knight was Sir Loin.
The Greatest Knight On Earth was Sir Cus.
The knight who was most likely to snap was Sir Face Tension.
The biggest cut-up was Sir Gery.
The knight who encircled all the others was Sir Cumscribe.
The luckiest knight was Sir Endipity.
The knight least certain was Sir Mise.
The most impolite knight was Sir Ly.
The most indrect knight was Sir Cuitous.
The knight who was the last to learn to ride a horse was Sir Mount.
The knight with the bluest blood was Sir Name.
The startled knight was Sir Prise.
The yellowest knight was Sir Render.
The knight who was the soothsayer was Sir Cumstantiate.
The knight in constant motion was Sir Culate.
The most acrobatic knight was Sir Q'Du Soleil.
And the knight for whom there was no chair was Sir Plus. -
High school is a lot like prison, sex you want, you aint gettin'... sex you getting... you dont wanne.
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hopefully this doesn't offend any contractors out there. Make sure you read the name of both boats.
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oh that is hilarious Dcke...
I love it... -
A apprentice carpenter was challenged by his boss with a question,
"Do you know the difference between a Joist and girder"
to which the apprentice replied
"Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust."
boom boom.
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This guy goes into his dentist's office, because of pain in his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"
"Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talking' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything...meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!""That's probably it," replied the dentist. "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."
"Why chrome?" the man asked.
"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
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How do you get a twinkie pregnant....
with a ding dong.
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If it's true, does it still qualify as a joke, if it's funny?!
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.
Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus, and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned
"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "Someone who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide." That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject "B."
When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident..
It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.
The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
A true story from Associated Press, (Reported by Kurt Westervelt)*
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There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".
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