Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store the man called out, "Good bye, Mom."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85" said the clerk.
"How come so much....I only had five items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? Some selected answers:
Hillary Clinton:
It takes a village to raise a chicken. I've been all over New York State listening to chickens everywhere. I've been a fan of New York chickens my whole life.Colonel Sander:
I missed one?Dr. Suess:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed I've not been told.Jerry Falwell:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side". That's what they call it - the "other side." Yes my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat chicken you will become gay, too.Ronald Reagon:
What chicken?Bill Clinton:
Nice legs. -
that reminds me:
My Daddy the Dancer
One day a fourth-grade teacher
asked the children what
their fathers did for a living. All the typical
answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman,
salesman, doctor,
lawyer, and so forth.However, little Justin was being
uncharacteristically
quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his
father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a
gay
cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of
other men and they put
money in his underwear.
Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will
go
home with some guy and stay with him all night for
money."The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement,
hurriedly set the
other children to work on some
exercises and then took little Justin aside
to ask
him, "Is that really true about your father?""No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic
National
Committee and is helping to get Hillary
Clinton to be our next President,
but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids." -
J1mmy,
good reply... I respect you alot more already...
I would clarify one thing... "hyperconservatisim"
I would not say that I was that at all... if we went by the top ten talking points of each party, I would be more democrat more than most democrats. after all Liberal is a wonderful word that has been dirtied up. I just don't like the sniveling weasels they have in power like Clinton, Dean, Pelosi, Murtha, Kerry, Edwards and the king of the weasels George SOrOs...
but on abortion, drugs, schools, cloning, stem cell research... I fall right in step with the DNC... but then they go all commie on taxes, property rights, health care and social security...
to tell the truth I would be a libertarian if they weren't such Isolationists, we live in a big world and we depend on it to work a certain way, we have to be involved in the way it's planned out.
anyway, until we meet again...
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That's the funniest joke you've posted so far Kris
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Krisidious.
One could make a argument that your last reply was just a tad off topic but they would be wrong. Politics in general is a joke. more distaistful than the one I told about a baby, a microwave and a masterbater. Also polotics is absolutely a ridiculous subject in general. The system Liberal, conservative, rep, or dem, abortion, stem cells, immigration etc.etc the list is endless on issues thrust into the public eye. All to distract us from just plain and simple right and wrong. fair and fraudulent.My point is that if Hilary O,bama or who ever are the true and best examples of the shining stars best suited to lead the USA into the next 8 years. We are screwed. All the parties inc. liberatairian are really just 2 sides of the same coin. A rusty F-ed up penny not worh the metal it is stamped on.
What has to change? Everything. The scariest thig about it is. Krishidious would make a better president than the one we have been saddled with for the past 7.5 years. In fact I like W as much as I like you. Less than zero.
So your reply was not off topic but mine is. So here is my joke
WHAT IS THE HARDEST THING ABOUT ROLLERBLADING?????????Telling your mom your gay.
Perhaps you should start a political thread I love those. Then it will go into a lively debate on jesus vs. the Koran. All the Typical BS that just dont matter.
Jimmy
poster-J1mmy
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@rhankc said:
A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't
be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls
come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They
both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts
almost falling out of their skimpy shirts.It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they
say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's.
You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing.Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all
over you, while the other one steals your wallet.I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th & 24th. Also, on March 1st, 3rd, twice on the 17th, three times just
yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. Please be careful.Top that one!
Loved it!! That's hilarious!
CraigD
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Here's a groaner I heard yesterday (sorry :`)
A guy, terribly upset, voice rising, telling the psychiatrist about his recurring nightmare: "First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwan, then I'm a te...."
"Relax!" the doctor interrups. "You're just too tense."
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There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.
"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.
"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"
"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"
"That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."
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Those who remember Abbott and Costello's Whose On First will appreciate this the most!
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who' s on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!A few days later:
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START -
Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
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Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other
outside the operating room.The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you
lots of Jell-0 and ice cream. It's a breeze."The second kid then asks, "What are you here
for?"The first kid says, "A circumcision."
"Whoa!", the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I
was born.Couldn't walk for a year
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Heres an oldie, but goodie:
A drunken bum, carrying the daily newspaper, and a 40 of beer sits down on a public bench next to a catholic priest. He proceeds to read a little bit of the newspaper, and then turns to the priest, with cigarettes, dope, and beer on his breath asks "sir, why do people get arthritis?"
The priest thinks for a moment, telling himself he could turn around this mans life and replies "well my son, people get arthritis from a lifetime of sin, things such as alcoholism, drugs, and strife all contribute. God is letting you know that that is wrong, by giving you this arthritis..." he pauses for a moment, thinking his answer may have been too harsh on the poor man and says "forgive me, my son, how long have you been ailed by this disease?"
The bum turns to the priest and states "Oh, I don't have arthritis at all, I was just reading here that the pope does"I thought that was a pretty good one!
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I heard this today.
In praise of Oats
Oats is what the British feed to horses and the Scots feed to men.
What magnificent horses and what magnificent men. -
OK folks .. the following is tongue 'n cheek as they say, don't anyone get you kickers in a knot now OK
(there is some funny stuff in it though
Europeans Heighten Threat Levels
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran
out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was during the great fire of 1666.Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised
its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher
levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and
excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. -
@unknownuser said:
...The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.Ááá... That hurt...
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*** This is not intended to offend anyone here. As they say, if the shoe fits... ***
Why you should never question a drunk
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”
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lollies!
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why is 6 affraid of 7?
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