Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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A man happens upon an interestingly shaped bottle along the beach. With great curiosity he opens the bottle, and a genie wafts out of it. The genie tells the man that his release from the bottle entitles him to only one wish and that he should be very wise in his request.
The man thinks it over and asks the genie for a bridge from Los Angeles, California to Hawaii, since he is terrified of both air and boat travel. The genie responds with astonishment at the request. He goes on to tell the man that the engineering for such a project is so complex, the piers would need to be miles tall and the road deck designed to withstand the greatest of forces.
The genie decides to allow the man another wish since his request was impossible. The man ponders his good fortune and decides on the re-wish. He asks the genie to help him understand women.
The genie without missing a beat replies, "What color do you want that bridge?"
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Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Police Force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?
"The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,"This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.""The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said,"Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses." -
You: hi
Stranger: hi
You: name?
Stranger: chun wu, at your service
You: alexander goldberg
Stranger: sup
You: u knoā¦ i never forgave u koreans for attacking pearl harbour
Stranger: uhh?... im chineseā¦ and that was the japanese who attacked it
You: chinese, japanese, korean ā¦ whats the difference
Stranger: ā¦ā¦.
Stranger: u serious?
You: yeah
Stranger: ā¦ā¦
Stranger: u kno i never forgave u jews for sinking the titanic
You: that was an icegerg
Stranger: goldberg, greenberg, iceberg. whats the difference! -
Bert and Peg had been married for 60 years, but then Bert dies and Peg goes to see him at the Undertakers.
"I've done him up really nice", says the mortician, and indeed, Bert did look better than he had for some time, dressed in a smart black suit."He looks lovely", says Peg, "but Bert's favourite colour was blue. I think he'd really like to be buried in a blue suit. Can you sort that out for me? It doesn't matter what it costs, I'd like a top-quality blue suit to send him off in."
And so, a couple of days later, Peg goes back to the Undertakers and there is Bert, still looking lovely, in the most beautiful but expensive blue suit.
"Oh that is just perfect", says Peg, "It must have cost the earth, but it doesn't matter, only the best for my Bert."
"Oh it didn't cost anything", says the mortician.
"Really? How come?"
"Well, you see", says the mortician, "Yesterday a gentleman came in to us wearing just the sort of suit you asked for. He was exactly the same size and build as your Bert.
"So I just swapped heads."
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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
When the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,
And accidentally poops in the bed.The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
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I was sitting with the wife watching one of her "educational and informative" programs on the TV some time back. It was some gibberish psycho babble delving into the phenomenon of "Mixed Emotions".
She's sitting there soaking all this rubbish up, as they do, and I'd finally had enough. I turned to her and clearly showing my superior intellect and deeper understanding of what complete and utter rubbish it all was I said, "What a load of crap this is, Go on, I bet you my left bollock you can't say something here and now that can make me happy and sad at the same time!?"After a brief pause she replied "Out of all your family and friends, you do have the biggest dick."
I don't watch TV any more, I know she is after the matched pair.
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Two men are talking...
- My wife left me with my best friend, Fred.
- I didn't know Fred's your best friend!
- Now he already is.
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As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauperās cemetery. As I was not familiar with the area I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didnāt know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like Iāve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played āAmazing Grace,ā the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, āI never seen nothinā like that before and Iāve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.ā
Apparently, I'm still lost....
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This guy is awakened in the middle of the night by a knock on the door. He answers the door and there is a man standing there saying āCan you help me, I need a pushā. He turned around, closed the door and returned to bed. As he gets back in bed, his wife says āWho was that?ā. He explains what happened and she says āYou have to go help him. Remember when we got help from the stranger last year? This is payback.ā So he gets back out of bed, gets dressed and goes down stairs. When he opens the door there is no one there. So he yells out āHey mister, you still there? Do you still need help? The man replies āYeah, I still need a push, I am over here on the swing setā.
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Just to remind you the wonderful Douglas Adams "So long and thanks for all the fish" book
"They found a patch of grass which was relatively free of couples actually lying on top of each other and sat and watched the stunning ducks and the low sunlight rippling on the water which ran beneath the stunning ducks.
"A story," said Fenchurch, cuddling his arm to her.
"Which will tell you something of the sort of things that happen to me. Itās absolutely true."
"You know sometimes people tell you stories that are supposed to be something that happened to their wifeās cousinās best friend, but actually probably got made up somewhere along the line."
"Well, itās like one of those stories, except that it ac- tually happened, and I know it actually happened, because the person it actually happened to was me."
"Like the raffle ticket."
Arthur laughed. "Yes. I had a train to catch," he went on. "I arrived at the station ..."
"Did I ever tell you," interrupted Fenchurch, "what happened to my parents in a station?"
"Yes," said Arthur, "you did." "Just checking."
Arthur glanced at his watch. "I suppose we could think of getting back," he said.
"Tell me the story," said Fenchurch firmly. "You arrived at the station."
"I was about twenty minutes early. Iād got the time of the train wrong. I suppose it is at least equally possible," he added after a momentās reflection, "that British Rail had got the time of the train wrong. Hadnāt occurred to me before."
"Get on with it." Fenchurch laughed.
"So I bought a newspaper, to do the crossword, and went to the buffet to get a cup of coffee."
"You do the crossword?"
"Yes."
"Which one?"
"The Guardian usually."
"I think it tries to be too cute. I prefer the Times. Did you solve it?"
"What?"āØ"The crossword in the Guardian."
"I havenāt had a chance to look at it yet," said Arthur, "Iām still trying to buy the coffee."
"All right then. Buy the coffee."
"Iām buying it. I am also," said Arthur, "buying some biscuits."
"What sort?" "Rich Tea." "Good choice."
"I like them. Laden with all these new possessions, I go and sit at a table. And donāt ask me what the table was like because this was some time ago and I canāt remember. It was probably round."
"All right."
"So let me give you the layout. Me sitting at the table. On my left, the newspaper. On my right, the cup of coffee. In the middle of the table, the packet of biscuits."
"I see it perfectly."
"What you donāt see," said Arthur, "because I havenāt mentioned him yet, is the guy sitting at the table already. He is sitting there opposite me."
"Whatās he like?"
"Perfectly ordinary. Briefcase. Business suit. He didnāt look," said Arthur, "as if he was about to do anything weird."
"Ah. I know the type. What did he do?"
"He did this. He leaned across the table, picked up the packet of biscuits, tore it open, took one out, and ..."
"What?"
"Ate it."
"What?"
"He ate it."
Fenchurch looked at him in astonishment. "What on Earth did you do?"
"Well, in the circumstances I did what any red- blooded Englishman would do. I was compelled," said Arthur, "to ignore it."
"What? Why?"
"Well, itās not the sort of thing youāre trained for is it? I searched my soul, and discovered that there was nothing anywhere in my upbringing, experience or even primal instincts to tell me how to react to someone who has quite simply, calmly, sitting right there in front of me, stolen one of my biscuits."
"Well, you could ..." Fenchurch thought about it. "I must say Iām not sure what I would have done either. So what happened?"
"I stared furiously at the crossword," said Arthur. "Couldnāt do a single clue, took a sip of coffee, it was too hot to drink, so there was nothing for it. I braced myself. I took a biscuit, trying very hard not to notice," he added, "that the packet was already mysteriously open ..."
"But youāre fighting back, taking a tough line."
"After my fashion, yes. I ate the biscuit. I ate it very deliberately and visibly, so that he would have no doubt as to what it was I was doing. When I eat a biscuit," Arthur said, "it stays eaten."
"So what did he do?"
"Took another one. Honestly," insisted Arthur, "this is exactly what happened. He took another biscuit, he ate it. Clear as daylight. Certain as we are sitting on the ground."
Fenchurch stirred uncomfortably.
"And the problem was," said Arthur, "that having not said anything the first time, it was somehow even more difficult to broach the subject the second time around. What do you say? āExcuse me ... I couldnāt help noticing, er ...ā Doesnāt work. No, I ignored it with, if anything, even more vigour than previously."
"My man ..."
"Stared at the crossword, again, still couldnāt budge a bit of it, so showing some of the spirit that Henry V did on St Crispinās Day ..."
"What?"
"I went into the breach again. I took," said Arthur, "another biscuit. And for an instant our eyes met."
"Like this?"
"Yes, well, no, not quite like that. But they met. Just for an instant. And we both looked away. But I am here to tell you," said Arthur, "that there was a little electricity in the air. There was a little tension building up over the table. At about this time."
"I can imagine."
"We went through the whole packet like this. Him, me, him, me ..."
"The whole packet?"
"Well it was only eight biscuits but it seemed like a lifetime of biscuits we were getting through at this point. Gladiators could hardly have had a tougher time."
"Gladiators," said Fenchurch, "would have had to do it in the sun. More physically gruelling."
"There is that. So. When the empty packet was lying dead between us the man at last got up, having done his worst, and left. I heaved a sigh of relief, of course. As it happened, my train was announced a moment
or two later, so I finished my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper ..."
"Yes?"
"Were my biscuits."
"What?" said Fenchurch. "What?"
"True."
"No!" She gasped and tossed herself back on the grass laughing." -
Great book!
That is very typical of something that I would do, BTW. Well, I don't eat "biscuits", but cookies would be likely.Another of my favorites, is the Electric Monk, from Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency. A little long to post here, but here's a link to the bit about the Electric Monk:
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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
āRome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome, so how are you getting there?" "We're taking British Airways," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks itās gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser, you and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a Ā£5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who the firk did your hair?ā
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A farmer had a mechanical fault.
He stopped by the local Garage to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home..?
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked,'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'.
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house, I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady Suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a
husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint
on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the bloody chickens! -
Cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party." -
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give to their elderly mother, who had moved to Florida .
The first said, "You know, I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, " And I had a large theatre built in her house."
The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible, and you know she can't read
anymore because she can't see very well. I met a preacher who told me about a parrot
who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. To get the bird,
I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth
it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration, Mama sent out her "Thank You"
notes.She wrote: Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but
I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.""Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I
never use the Mercedes. But the thought was good. Thanks.""Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people,
but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use
it. Thank you for the gesture, just the same.""Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to
your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."Love, Mama
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A Canadian psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, (from Toronto) Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating sweets. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, (from Montreal) Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce (from BC): "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, (from Newfoundland) Carol, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered,
"Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner ready before your big brother, Schlong, gets home from work."
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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."
Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad."
"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."
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Ok, I'll throw in this wood joke(?):
Wife tells handyman husband:
"We need to spruce up the place"...
Now, they are pining away because spruce is at a 4x premium at the lumber yard. -
With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my family & friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.
Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before ... I took a cab home!
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it!!!
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