Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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The Pastor’s Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race
again, and it won again.The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get rid
of the donkey.The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
near by convent.The local paper, hearing of the news, postedthe following headline the
next day:NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN...
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.The bishop was buried the next day. -
Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age, All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's' magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while..
To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip.
However, the Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, "And that, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel" -
Widdle Wabbit
A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks,
in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,
mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,
or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her
hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit." -
!
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A horse walks into a bar, the Bartender looks at him and says " Why the long face"
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@dale said:
A horse walks into a bar, the Bartender looks at him and says " Why the long face"
Classic! -
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or how about... A termite walks into a bar and says "Wheres the bar tender"
Just goes downhill from here... -
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Could I have a..."...
After some minutes he finishes... "a cold beer, please ?"
The bar man says, "Why the big pause ?"
"paws"
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A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "A pint of Guiness and a mop, please".
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk in to a bar. The first orders a pint, the second orders 1/2 a pint and the third 1/4 of a pint, at which point the barman proclaims "f*** this" and pours 2 pints.
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%(#FF4000)[A guy walks into a bar carrying a set of jumper cables.
The bartender says, "All right, I'll serve you, but don't try to start anything."]
A kangaroo walks into a bar, sits down and orders a martini. Bartender mixes it up, puts it on the bar and says "That'll be eleven dollars." The kangaroo arches an eyebrow but reaches into her pouch, pulls out a twenty and slaps it on the bar. Bartender picks it up and says "By the way, we don't get many kangaroos in here." "Yeah," says the 'roo, "And at eleven bucks a pop I'm not surprised."Guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to quick make ten double martinis. The bartender whips them up and puts them on the bar and the guy starts belt them back as fast as he can. After the 5th one the bartender says "Whoa, slow down there a bit"! The guy says, "If you knew what I had you wou would understand" and finishes all ten. The bartender says, "Listen buddy, I don't want to pry but what DO you have"? The guy says, "50 cents"
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okay . . .one more. . .
%(#4040BF)[So a blonde, strangely enough, has earned her pilots license for flying airplanes, but one day wants to fly a helicopter. So she ventures to the airfield where she is greeted by a pilot and says to him:
"I'd like to fly a helicopter". So the pilot says he'll coach her by radio when she's in the air. So she's climbing in the helicopter up and up until 3000 feet where the helicopter just drops, thankfully she survives, and the pilot asks her:
Why did you drop? and she said it got a little cold so she turned off the fan.] -
One more. . .
%(#BF0000)[A young lady came home, squeeling her tires as she turned into the driveway and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs;"Honey, pack your bags. I won the Mega Millions lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my HECK!!! That is Terrific! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."]
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oh . . did you post that one already. Sorry. Well it's a good one. Worth retelling.
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McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
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I'm from Alaska, but "transplanted" to Idaho. In December of 1990 I was sitting in a bar in Haines, waiting for the Inland Ferry, when I struck up a conversation with another guy there. One beer led to another, and soon he told this joke. It's a bit long, but has been one of my favorites since the telling...
On a small pond in Alaska lived a flock of ducks. One fine spring, the flock had a number of ducklings born to them. Through the rest of the spring, and into summer, the elder ducks taught the ducklings the ways of duckdom, swimming, foraging for food, flying and most importantly, how to be part of the duck community.
Well, the seasons passed until one morning, a frost crept into the little valley where the ducks lived on their pond. The eldest duck announced that winter was approaching, they would all have to migrate south and to make preparations. So the flock began to get ready to go...
All except for one obstinate little duckling. Ever since he had been hatched, he had been a disciplinary problem and a rebel to the rest of the flock. He was always contrary and refused to listen to the elder ducks, always preferring to do things the way he say fit. Soon, the flock pretty much got tired of his attitude and learned to leave him to his own ways.
Well, it just so happened that after the frost, an Indian Summer settled over the valley. It warmed up and there was a late hatching of gnats and bugs in abundance. The eldest and wisest duck however, knew that this was only a brief reprieve from the onset of winter, and commanded the flock to take wing and fly to warmer climes in the south.
However, the "problem child" duckling refused to go. He pointed out there was plenty of food, the weather was exceptionally pleasant and he was not going to go with the rest of the flock, preferring to stay right where he was. The elder duck shook his head, bid the obstinate little duck "Hasta la vista" and the rest of the flock took wing, leaving the rebel alone on the pond.
Things went quite well for the next week. The weather stayed balmy, there seemed to be no end to the number of bugs for food, and the little duck was quite content...
Until the morning he woke up and found his butt frozen to the surface of the pond. A hard freeze had set in overnight, instantly transforming the comfortable little pond into an frozen trap. The insects were all dead and there was nary a thing to eat. The little duck shivered in the cold and he worked furiously to free himself from the icy grip of the pond.
Soon, his efforts were rewarded and he was free. He thought about the rest of the flock now winging their way south to warmth and food. Even though he had never made the migration, he knew instinctively where they were headed and he launched himself from the pond in pursuit.
Folks, it's a long ways across Canada to the southern climes where ducks and geese find comfortable surroundings. The little duck flew night and day, through fogs, snow and freezing weather, pausing only now and then to rest briefly and scrounge up something to eat. Most of the ponds and lakes on his route were already freezing over and there was scant enough to forage for food.
Then late one evening, just before sunset, the little duck found himself over Idaho, exhausted, cold and hungry. As he passed over a dairy, the last of his strength gave out and he fell out of the air, straight into a large, fresh cow pie. The impact knocked him unconscious and he lay in the cow pie over night.
The next morning, with the sun rising on a splendid clear sky, the little duck woke up, looked around and surveyed his predicament. He found himself buried up to his neck in a warm cow pie! There were a few insects buzzing around him within his reach and he snapped them up greedily. The cow pie had a few seeds embedded in it so he ate those too. Soon, he was full and warm and well, the most comfortable that he had been in days. He was so happy he began to sing rather loudly...
About that time, along the fence came the barnyard cat, a big burly feline. He heard the little duck singing and walked along the fence over to the stock yard to check out the source of the raucous melody. He soon found the young duckling and addressed him from the fence.
"Oh ho!" said the cat, "I see you're pretty chipper this morning!"
"Why yes" replied the duck, "I'm warm, full of food and it's a beautiful day!" The duckling had never encountered a cat before and spoke to him in the most casual and trusting manner.
"Ah, but you have one problem", noticed the cat, "You're stuck up to your neck in cow crap. How will you ever get out?"
The little duck hadn't thought about this and upon hearing the cat's observation, struggled mightily to free himself. However, during the night the cow pie had cooled and solidified around him, trapping him within. Soon, the little duck grew tired and ceased his efforts to free himself.
The cat watched the little duck and he struggled and then failed to free himself. He said, "You know, I'm fairly strong and I can get you out of there pretty easily if you wish."
"Oh yes, please do! cried the little duck, "I need to get going and catchup to my flock! Thank you friend!"
So the barnyard cat jumped off the fence, strolled over to where the little duck was imprisoned in the cow pie, plucked him out and ate him on the spot.
The moral of the story: Even when you're in deep sht, you're not necessarily in trouble, and those that would get you out of deep sht aren't necessarily your friends.
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@unknownuser said:
oh . . did you post that one already. Sorry. Well it's a good one. Worth retelling.
No, I meant who stole that trick from me. You gotta know what to do when your short in moola
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Once upon time. . .long long ago. . .The Castle of a faraway Kingdom is damaged by a sever earthquake. A portion of the ceiling collapsed and a member of the Royal Family was severely injured. The King was irate with the poor seismic performance of his new house and called the Royal Contractor, Royal Architect and the Royal Engineer before him to plead for their lives before being beheaded with the guillotine. (they bought one from France) The Rule of the Guillotine is that if it doesn't work the first time that means that the person is innocent and must go free.
The Royal Contractor: Twas not I sire. I built exactly to the design and the specs without any change orders. If there is a flaw in the structure it was due to poor design.
He is laid on the Guillotine and the blade falls down but stops within 1 inch of his exposed neck. He is released praising God.
The Royal Architect: Twas not I sire. The design and drawings were impeccable. I followed the recommendations exactly given to me by the engineer -- who is your brother-in-law I might add.
Again.. . The Architect is laid on the Guillotine and the blade falls down but stops within 1 inch of his exposed neck. He is also set free singing and dancing.
The Royal Engineer pointing to the top of the Guillotine. . .
"I see your problem right there. . .
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