Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?

Khai

supposed to be true

A KingAir had just rotated (lifted-off the runway) at take-off when there was an enormous bang and the starboard engine burst into flames. After stamping on the rudder to sort out the asymmetric thrust, trying to feather the propeller and going through the engine fire drills with considerable calmness and aplomb, the stress took its toll on the Captain... He transmitted to the tower in a level friendly voice: "Ladies and gentleman. There is no problem at all but we're just going to land for a nice cup of tea." He then switched to cabin intercom and screamed at the passengers: "Mayday. Mayday. Mayday. Engine fire. Prop won't feather. If I can't hold this asymmetric we're going in. Emergency landing. Get the crash crew out."

The aircraft landed safely with the passengers' hair standing on end.

Gaieus

@unknownuser said:

When I checked into my motel, I asked the lady at the desk:
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

Now true that I had to read it twice (the pun didn't come thru first) but then I fell off my chair almost.

KXI System

[original story, yes I made it up on the spot]

A man came into a cafe and rudely ordered coffee, the waitress that was serving him was offended and asked:

"Who do you think you are?!"

The man turned towards her with a grim look and said, "I am Superman"

"Excuse me?" she replied

"I said, I am Superman!" The man yelled back

By now the whole cafe heard it, and was looking at the man.

"Don't believe me, heres my card." the man said as he handed the waitress a small card.

The waitress took it and this is what she saw:

Need a Strong Law Firm?
Call Eyyam Suparman!
567-7852

tomot

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!'
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped !'
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !
Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, He gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph.
He was feeling pretty good until he looked in his mirror and saw the old man gaining on him AGAIN !
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?'
The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror'.

Dave R

Hey did ya hear about Lena 's first pregnancy & delivery?

Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, 'I tink it's time!'
So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat Great!'
Well, Ole got excited by dis , but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We
ain't finished yet!' The doctor den held up a little girl.. He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's a pretty little ting, too.'

Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said, 'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't done
yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Ole, you yust had yourself
another boy!' Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three Children home in the back of the pickup.
He was real Serious and he asked Lena , 'How come we got tree on the first try?'

Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and You vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?' Ole said, 'Yeah, I do.. Uffda! It's a dam good ting I didn't get the WD-40 !

dermotcoll

Granny gets herself ready to go on her date with Charles. When Charles arrives she hobbles out to meet him, and Charles notices she is really stuggling to walk down the path, wincing in agony at each step. He worriedly enquires why she is in pain so she tells him it is due to her new deodorant. Puzzled, he asks her to explain. She explains that she got a new push stick deodorant and she read the instructions which told her to remove the cap and push up bottom. She is in agony now but every time she farts the room smells divine!!!!

solo

Top Ten Country Western Songs:

I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

dale

Marian

I actually thought these were made up song titles, until i looked some of them on youtube.......
What a weird world we live in...

dale

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender he doesn't have any money but wants a drink, but instead of paying he will put on a spectacular show for the patrons. The bartender is skeptical, but say "OK lets see what you got"
The guy reaches under his coat a pulls out a little piano with about a foot tall man sitting at it, and on cue the little guy starts wailing away on the piano, and just wow's the bartender.
The bartender gets him a drink and asks him where he got the little guy, and the man replies "from this", and pulls out an old Genie bottle.
Well the bartender asks him if he can ask the Genie for a wish, and surprisingly the man agrees.
The bartender closes his eyes and makes his wish, and "BANG" the bar fills up with a bunch of ducks!
"I didn't ask for a million Ducks" screams the bartender, "I asked for a Million bucks"
The guy looks at him an replies " You think I asked for a twelve inch Pianist?"

david_h

Genius. . .

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%(#FF4000)[(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.]
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%(#0000FF)["Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey]
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%(#804000)["Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign]
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%(#008000)["I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.]
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%(#4000FF)["Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC] . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

%(#4000BF)["That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas .]
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%(#408000)["Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark]
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%(#4040BF)["It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President]
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%(#8080FF)["I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle],,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

%(#00FF40)["We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca]
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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%(#BF0000)["We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.]
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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%(#800000)["Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery]
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%(#404080)["If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman]
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Alan Fraser

From the book “Disorder in the American Courts.” Quotes from actual court transcripts.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh….

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

tim

@unknownuser said:

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President

Actually that was a Quayle-ism, though that idiot Reagan uttered something similarly inane.

Jasper Carrott's take on the ultimate Country and Western song went something like -
"Since they took my momma off to prison
thing's ain't bin the same around the farm
now they gone and let'er out the gaolhouse
an'she drove her goddam truck into a train!"

Perfection in a single verse.

KXI System

@alan fraser said:

From the book “Disorder in the American Courts.” Quotes from actual court transcripts.

Ahh... that made my day

KXI System

OK, this is based on a strange conversation that I had today with my friends:

Q: If you would be a girl for 50 sec what would you do? (we're all guys, just to note)

Guy1: I'll slap a guy then walk away

Guy2: I'll get away with murderer

Guy3: How big are my boobs first?

The rest is really dirty that I can't give away in public, so PM me if you wanna know what Guy3 said.

david_h

@unknownuser said:

Governmentium (symbol=Gv)
when Super-density is achieved it becomes Gv-545 also known as Pelosium but thankfully. . .it is inert.

d12dozr

The Pastor’s Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race
again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get rid
of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
near by convent.

  The local paper, hearing of the news, posted

the following headline the
next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN...

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

  The bishop was buried the next day.

dermotcoll

Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age, All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's' magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while..
To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip.
However, the Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, "And that, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel"

d12dozr

Widdle Wabbit

A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks,
in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,
mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,
or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her
hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

tomot

!