Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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Newspaper Clippings:
Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.
Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.
Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor's dog
Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be reward.
Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.
Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.
After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."
Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."
A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.
"All right, buddy. What's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
"The balcony."
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. . .the balcony . .. i get it. . .that's funny--and it's funny because it's true. . .. -
Apple does it again:
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in woman's breast implants. The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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Gaieus: whats wrong with a little soft porn?
usually they say "a picture is worth 1000 words"
However in this case the words without the picture
appears to me at least, to be a little too politically correct. -
A lot of people view this site at work, and a pic like you posted (as pretty as she was) is enough to get some people fired
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@tomot said:
Gaieus: whats wrong with a little soft porn?
To me - nothing personally (I said I kept'er for myself
)...what Remus says however (for instance)
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Sure doesn't fly at my office. . .
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@unknownuser said:
Sure doesn't fly at my office. . .
Fair enough! Luckily I work from home, so all I have to worry about is my wife looking over my shoulder.
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And you are not afraid she would fire your a$$?
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Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
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A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
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Its Funny Friday (on a thursday today)
http://ac1.streaming.net.nz/trn/hauraki/manettes_wii.wmv -
@unknownuser said:
it was the first day of school. the kindergardeners were saying their names, last was a kid with the name: yu. so the teacher asked what his name was and he said yu this happened 6 times until the teacher said, okay who the hl are you. he said yu. so the teacher said, you uneducated little brat who the ****in Hl are you?!
Sounds a little like a true storey of mine.....
At school (years back) we had a new teacher who was trying to get familiar with names and faces. She was asking for our first names, then our surnames. She thought we were takin the mickey out of her at first. When asking a boy for his first name he told her it was Cooper, then she asked him what his surname was, and he replied Kupa (pronounced the same). She asked him over and over again, until she finally clicked it wasnt spelt the same. Then the next boys name was Wayne Carr.
True storey. I think If I was Wayne I would have changed my name by now.
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and its amazing to learn that i was drunk when i posted that
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@kdsdesign said:
and its amazing to learn that i was drunk when i posted that
Well I wish you had not been so honest about that.
I'm now calling for a whole new industry, to being established,
where you can't logon to a computer without proof you have not been drinking -
@kdsdesign said:
and its amazing to learn that i was drunk when i posted that
A case of wishful thinking, unless you've been raiding your parents' drinks cabinet or New York's licensing authorities have just dramatically dropped the minimum age by 7 years.
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A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below.
She shouts to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The man consults his portable GPS and replies,
'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of
2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14..97 minutes north latitude
and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.She rolls her eyes and says, 'You must be a Republican!'
'I am,' replies the man. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' answers the balloonist, 'everything you tell me is
technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me.'The man smiles and responds, 'You must be a Democrat.'
'I am,' replies the balloonist. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' says the man, 'You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.
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What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened as the instructor declared, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He then addressed the men, 'For instance, can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,
'Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
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Letter to the husband:
@unknownuser said:
Dear Joe,
I was coming home when in front of the garage door I accidentally pushed the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door got bent a little but the truck luckily stopped when it hit your car a bit.
I am awfully sorry but I'm sure you forgive me.
Love;
Janep.s. Your girlfriend called. She is pregnant.
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A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tatooed, welfare dependent woman wearing a Celtic top
walked into the ASDA supermarket in Castlemilk (a sprawling council estate on Glasgow's south side) with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.The ASDA greeter said pleasantly,
'Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA.''Nice children you have there.
Are they twins by any chance?'The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'F*** naw, they're nae twins.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the f*** would you think they're twins?
Are you blind, thick or just stupid?''I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,'replied the greeter.
'I just couldn't believe you've been s******d twice.'Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.'
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