Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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Or there is the time in a meeting, when Donald Rumsfeld was briefing George W Bush on an incident in Iraq where 4 Brazillian soldiers had been killed by insurgents.
George W went all white, and was visibly shaken.
When the others in the briefing room got up to leave the President asked Donald Rumsfeld to remain behind.
When they were alone the President again looking quite shaken asked Rumsfeld " How many is a Brazillian?' -
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,' said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars
of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
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A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he
spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home
on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and
pointed at him and made him an offer. 'How would you like it if you
didn't see me for a couple of days?'.....The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said,
'That would suit me just fine!!'Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a
little out of the corner of his left eye. -
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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
Three women are about to be executed. One''s a brunette, one''s a redhead, and one''s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.
The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."
The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought "Please God spare my life" and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."
It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator....."
Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he walked passed Moses, who didn't seem to notice him. He turned to Moses and said, "I am George W. Bush, the President of the USA, the most powerful nation on earth. Why didn't you greet me?"
Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 years!"
A man went to see his doctor.
"You need to stop masturbating," the doctor said.
The man asked, "Why?"
The doctor replied, "Because I''m trying to examine you!"
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.
He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.
"But you don''t understand!" he cries, "You can''t do this to me! I''m an editor for the New Yorker magazine!"
"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well look on the bright side. Soon you will be editor-in-chief!"
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can''t afford a thing to eat."
So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The layer said, "You''re going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."
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Computer Hits back
PC- http://ac1.streaming.net.nz/trn/hauraki/PC.wmv -
@dave r said:
Why did the chicken cross the road? >
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
SARAH PALIN: You betcha he crossed the road, but let's not talk about that, let's talk about energy policy, and how gosh darn hard it is for a middle-class hockey mom to manage the budget of the only state in America with a massive surplus, especially while surrounded by countless Russian and Canadian chickens we have to keep an eye on.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day One! - that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken...What is your definition of crossing?
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain... alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
someone E-Mailed me this
heres a funny one
a man had a lamborghini he saw a duck he pulled over and smashed 2 trees, then
Al gore What did you doo?????!!!!!
man: i didnt want to hit the duck.
Al gore but you killed a tree!
man: i didnt mean too.
the next day he was sued by the park for hitting the tree whitch was in the park boundries
he put a message by where the ducks were: d@mn you duck you cost me moneysrry bout swearing
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first one IN an e-mail
One reason not to get drunk:
3 guys were in a bus. one had budwieser one had bud light and the third guy had root beer
the first guy says to the third guy: get REAL beer. the second guy says the same thing. they all threw their dinks away and got on a plane. the third guy told the first guy to go into the bathroom and put something on and handed him a suitcase. he told the second guy to hit on some 15 year old girl. so they did. the first guy came out with a bra on the piolet told him to take it off. the second guy however started swearing to the piolet. he said: Thats it! im landing in LA get your stuff and Go you messed up alchohaulics!
2nd one (better)
a 6th grader and his mom were at a table trying to solve a math question 2 trains are crossed with each other. one is going 50MPH and the other is going 50MPH they are 80miles apart how long will it take for them to meet then the kid says, So the people know how much of their life is left before they crash? -
Am I the only person thinking "huh?" at those two jokes?
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Im a bit lost as well, maybe we're missing something.
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@jackson said:
Am I the only person thinking "huh?" at those two jokes?
nope i accually think they were bad =(
it was the first day of school. the kindergardeners were saying their names, last was a kid with the name: yu. so the teacher asked what his name was and he said yu this happened 6 times until the teacher said, okay who the hl are you. he said yu. so the teacher said, you uneducated little brat who the ****in Hl are you?!
the point of this story is this;
the best way to piss off a teacher is to name your kid yu -
I like bad jokes (well, up to a point), but I read and re-read those two jokes and I understand neither the setup nor the punchline. I'm comletely baffled- were they autotranslated from another language?
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Jackson, maybe it was the punctuation?
My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'My condition has now been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery. -
@dave r said:
Jackson, maybe it was the punctuation?
My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'My condition has now been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
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First of KDSDESIGN [Kids Design
]No quoting of messages right above yours. I believe Coen has given you a warning about this also.
Secondly, I'm having a very hard time believing that you are 22. Those 'jokes' look like they've been typed by a hyperactive 10 year old
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HFM,
i get E-mails from cousins alot and post them randomly. there is no need to say that i get this alot.
2nd of all no mocking me, all it does is make you look inmature. (sorry if that was rude)
3rd im not gonna post SNL jokes and get myself kicked out (half of them arent funny anyway)
4th its off topic (so is this lol) -
@kdsdesign said:
i get E-mails from cousins alot and post them randomly. there is no need to say that i get this alot.
And yet, you don't wise up? How profoundly peculiar.
Anyways.
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@kdsdesign said:
first one IN an e-mail
One reason not to get drunk:
3 guys were in a bus. one had budwieser one had bud light and the third guy had root beer
the first guy says to the third guy: get REAL beer. the second guy says the same thing. they all threw their dinks away and got on a plane. the third guy told the first guy to go into the bathroom and put something on and handed him a suitcase. he told the second guy to hit on some 15 year old girl. so they did. the first guy came out with a bra on the piolet told him to take it off. the second guy however started swearing to the piolet. he said: Thats it! im landing in LA get your stuff and Go you messed up alchohaulics!
2nd one (better)
a 6th grader and his mom were at a table trying to solve a math question 2 trains are crossed with each other. one is going 50MPH and the other is going 50MPH they are 80miles apart how long will it take for them to meet then the kid says, So the people know how much of their life is left before they crash?Are these the jokes that people aren't understanding?
The first...I'm guessing is not supposed to make sense. It is the reason you should not get drunk.
The second, though poorly told perhaps...is funny because the people are aware of the looming collision?The sad thing is, I actually laughed at the first one, my first time reading it...even though it made no sense at all.
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i didnt like it eiether
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Banta, a furniture dealer from Ludhiana, decided to Expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Chennai to see what he could find.
After arriving in Chennai he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well Back home in Ludhiana.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bar and have a beer. As he sat enjoying his beer, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat.
Before long, a very beautiful young woman came to his table, asked him something in Tamil (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the Chair. He invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in Hindi, but she did not knew Hindi so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, Banta took a napkin and drew a picture of a beer glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of beer for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bar and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was Packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Banta has no idea how she figured out he was in the Furniture business.
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