Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?

david_h

a little Local Humor for you guys. . .

If Three BYU Coeds are standing on top of the Marriott Center (huge sports arena), A blonde, A Brunette and A Redhead, which would fall first?

The Marriott Center

What's the difference between a Univ of UTAH wedding and a BYU wedding?

UTAH wedding.. .the bride is pregnant. .

BYU wedding . .. the bride's mother is pregnant.

david_h

The dog food diet

I was buying Oscar a large bag of Purina Dog Chow at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?

Anyway, being my usual jerk, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I had lost 50 pounds before and wanted to give it another try, even though I had awakened in an intensive care ward with IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets, then simply eat one or two whenever you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, and it's the only diet that has ever worked for me.

By this time, practically everyone in the line was listening. The woman asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish setter's butt and a car hit us both.

remus

solo

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that
I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas
station...

And then the fight started....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

solo

If a turtle loses its shell is it naked or homeless?
If fire fighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight???
If nothing sticks to teflon, then how do they make teflon stick to the pan?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear seatbelts?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If love is blind, then why is lingere so popular?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If a black box flight recorder is never damaged in a plane crash, why dont they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within 5 kilometers of home, then why doesnt every one just move 5 k's away?
Why are psychics still working if they all know the winning lottery numbers?
If you try to fail, but you succeed, which have you done?

david_h

@unknownuser said:

If a turtle loses its shell is it naked or homeless?

As far as the Turtle is concerned. . .it's all semantics. Turtle.jp.jpg

just ask this guy.

boofredlay

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?

A: To stamp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?

A: To stamp out flaming ducks.

Gaieus

Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.

Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!

Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?
A. Yeah. They're going to call it FED UP!

Q. What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A. The car salesman can probably drive!

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Joe Wood

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WE'LL YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

"MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,'HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

''YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT A$$, GREY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, SON-OF-A-Beech ASKED;

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

Gaieus

@unknownuser said:

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

And well, I was born in '65 - will have a reunion next month
I'll have to remember this joke!

JuanV.Soler

upI

remus

Alan Fraser

You can Tune a Piano, But you can’t Tuna Fish..

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road, poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I’ll show you A-flat miner..

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

A calendar’s days are numbered.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa’s little helpers are subordinate clauses.

remus

oh alan, those were truly scraping the barrel.

Alan Fraser

Weren't they though?

utiler

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I’d like to ride in that airplane.”

Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 bucks, and 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane I might never get another chance.”

Esther replied, “Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 bucks, and 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you; but if you say one word it’s 50 bucks.”

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”

Morris replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out of the airplane, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks....

Gaieus

@utiler said:

“Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out of the airplane, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks....

kobus

what is it you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic ?

Someone who stays up all night, wondering whether there's a dog.

utiler

@gaieus said:

@utiler said:

“Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out of the airplane, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks....

It's my favorite too, gaieus....

david_h

Man on his Deathbed:

Darling. (gasp) Now that I am dying. . .there's something I need to get off of my chest. (gasp)
I -- cheated -- on -- you . I 've had a long affair with my secratary. . . . .(cough cough gasp)

Wife: I know dear. That's why I shot you.