Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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How many registered architects does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, he/she holds the light bulb up and the world revolves around him/her.
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Nothing personal to ANYONE reading this!
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment then asks "Where's my toast ?"
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don' t know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
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Dealing with Telemarketers!
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This test has only one question, but it's a very important one.Please
don't answer it without giving it some serious thought.
By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand
morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation,
whereyou will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that
your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.You're in Zimbabwe... near Kariba, to be exact. There is great chaos
going on around you, caused by an unpredicted hurricane and severefloods. There are huge masses of water all about you. You are a Daily
News photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive
photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing
into the Zambezi River as itroars through the gorge. Nature is showing all its destructive power
and is ripping everything away with it.Suddenly you see a man in the water - he is fighting for his life,
trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move
closer.Somehow the man looks familiar. Suddenly you know who it is... it's
Robert Mugabe!At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him
away, forever. You have two options and no time to lose. You cansave him or you can take the best photo of your life. You can't do
both.So, you can save the life of Robert Mugabe... or you can shoot a prize
winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's
most notorious leaders.Here's the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select colour film, or rather go with the simplicity of
classic black and white? -
A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a.......
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright
coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him... BUMP...
...BUMP...
...BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing
quickly behind him ...faster...
faster...
BUMP...
BUMP....
BUMP.
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes
in, slams and locks the door behind him.The coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin ....
clapping ...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on the heels of the terrified man....
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding;
his head is reeling;
his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything ...
but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin ...
the coffin stoppped.
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That hurt, Tom!
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A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".
The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied,
down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
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Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fuc##ng fence wasn't electrified."
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This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
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An old man walked into the confessional at the cathedral and said to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest replied, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
The priest paused, and then asked, "So then, why are you telling me?"
"Hey, I'm telling everybody."
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids".
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher'.
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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? "Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the backside sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
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Things That Are Difficult To Say When You’re Drunk:
- Innovative
- Preliminary
- Proliferation
- Cinnamon
Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You’re Drunk:
- Specificity
- Anti-constitutionalistically
- Passive-aggressive disorder
- Transubstantiate
Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You’re Drunk:
- Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
- Nope, no more booze for me!
- Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
- Taco Bell? No thanks, I’m not hungry.
- Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
- Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
- I’m not interested in fighting you.
- Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!
- Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
- I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
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On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful and things go from bad-to-worse when one wing is
struck
by lightning.One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in
the front of the plane and wails "I'm too young to die!" Then she yells,"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a
WOMAN?"For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare .. riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
plane.Then, a cowboy from Oklahoma stands up in the rear of the plane. He is
handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He
starts
to walk slowly up the aisle ... unbuttoning his shirt.One button at a time........
No one moves.................
He removes his shirt................
Muscles ripple across his chest..........
She gasps...................................
He whispers......................................"Iron this ... then get me a beer."
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A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'
But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life." -
Why men don't write advice columns...
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs.. Sheila Usk
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Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter
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The kid sits too much in front of the computer. The father complains:
- When Abraham Lincoln was at your age, he was sitting in front of the fireplace doing his homework!
The kid: - When Abraham Lincoln was at your age however, he was the president of the United States.
- When Abraham Lincoln was at your age, he was sitting in front of the fireplace doing his homework!
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(first the really bad one)
i was walking through my local town yesterday, when a man jumped on me, pinned me to the floor, cut the bottom of my trousers off and threw them into the local library.
that was a turn-up for the books
(my favourite one next)
why don't boxers have sex before a fight?
they don't fancy each other.
apologies for both of those
pav
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Baked Beans
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love.
When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weigh to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on.
He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table. -
(I hope I do this justice in retelling it. Characters can be changed to fit the times, but I like these)
President Bush made a state visit to Britain, and while there met the queen. Fawning all over her, Bush ask "your majes...majes...majesticallness...you've been queen so long and your so wise and smart. Tell me, how do you do it?"
"It's quite easy, Mr. President." the queen replied. "We appoint only smart people."
"But how can you tell if they are smart?" asked Dubya.
"We have the 'family riddle' with which to test them" the queen informed him.
"The family riddle? What's that?"
Queen Elizabeth turned to a nearby footman and ordered him to find Prime Minister Tony Blair and request he wait on her. Shortly, Tony Blair presented himself in front of the queen. "Your majesty?"
"Mr. Blair" the queen said to him, "your parents have a child. It is neither your brother nor your sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair smiled. "That is easy, your majesty. That would be me."
With his new-found insight, George Bush made it back to the White House. Donald Rumsfeld met with him and asked him how it went, and Dubya told him all about his meeting with the queen, including the 'family riddle'. "What's that?" asked the secretary of defense.
"Your mama and daddy have a kid. It's not your sister and it's not your brother. Who is it?"
Stumped, but not wanting to appear as if he didn't know, Donald Rumsfeld said "Hmmmmm, I'm busy right now. Let me think on it and I will get back with you."
Later that day Rumsfeld sees Colin Powell and decides to ask him the riddle. "Why, that would be me, of course" Powell replied, wondering to himself why he worked with such idiots.
Rumsfeld ran to the oval office. "Mr. President! Mr. President! I know the answer! If my parents have a child and it's neither my brother or sister, it's Colin Powell!"
Laughing, George Bush replied "Wrong, dummy! It's Tony Blair!"
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