• Login
sketchucation logo sketchucation
  • Login
🤑 SketchPlus 1.3 | 44 Tools for $15 until June 20th Buy Now

Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?

Scheduled Pinned Locked Moved Corner Bar
630 Posts 94 Posters 87.2k Views 94 Watching
Loading More Posts
  • Oldest to Newest
  • Newest to Oldest
  • Most Votes
Reply
  • Reply as topic
Log in to reply
This topic has been deleted. Only users with topic management privileges can see it.
  • G Offline
    Gaieus
    last edited by 18 Mar 2009, 19:28

    Letter from Sir Archibald Clerk Kerr (HM Ambassador Moscow 1943) to Lord Pembroke (Foreign Office London):

    "My Dear Reggie,
    In these dark days man tends to look for a little shaft of light that spill from Heaven. My days are probably darker then yours, and I need my God I do, all the light I can get. But I am a decent fellow, and I do not want to be mean and selfish about what little brightness is shed upon me from time to time. So I propose to share with you a tiny flash that has illuminated my somber life and tell you that God has given me a new Turkish colleague whose card tells me that he is called Mustapha Kunt.

    We all feel like that, Reggie, now and then, especially when spring is upon us, but few of us would care to put it on our cards. It takes a Turk to do that."

    C.K HM Ambassador

    Gai...

    1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
    • E Offline
      Ecuadorian
      last edited by 23 Mar 2009, 08:07

      http://roflrazzi.wordpress.com/files/2009/01/celebrity-pictures-brosnan-bond.jpg

      -Miguel Lescano
      Subscribe to my house plans YouTube channel! (30K+ subs)

      1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
      • S Offline
        solo
        last edited by 27 Mar 2009, 02:06

        THE SILVER SCREW

        Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do.

        Like it or not, he was stuck with it . . . He was screwed.

        All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided leaving his house . . . And thus, never made any friends.

        One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a monk in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal

        After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The monk knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.

        During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window. In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

        The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed . . . And his butt fell off.

        The moral to this is:

        'Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- You could lose your ass.' ---- Congress is noted for screwing around with things they don't understand - like the economy. That's why we are all losing our asses!

        http://www.solos-art.com

        If you see a toilet in your dreams do not use it.

        1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
        • G Offline
          Gaieus
          last edited by 28 Mar 2009, 18:10

          Some human statistics

          • Food needs about 5-10 seconds to reach your stomach when swallowing.
          • A single hair can hold about 3 kgs / 6 lbs.
          • A man's penis is about three times as big as his thumb.
          • Human bone is more stable than concrete.
          • Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
          • there are about 1 billion bacteria on a foot.
          • Women wink about twice as often than men.
          • The skin of an average human weighs about twice as much as his/her brain.
          • A body needs about 300 muscles to stand still.
          • If you are a woman, you are tired of reading.
          • If you are a man, you are still comparing your penis to your thumb.

          Gai...

          1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
          • D Offline
            david_h
            last edited by 28 Mar 2009, 18:25

            💚 and thousands of citizens run in terror!


            thumb.jpg

            If I make it look easy...It is probably easy

            1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
            • G Offline
              Gaieus
              last edited by 28 Mar 2009, 19:27

              Or "error"?

              Gai...

              1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
              • J Offline
                jeff hammond
                last edited by 28 Mar 2009, 19:36

                @unknownuser said:

                :mrgreen: and thousands of citizens run in terror!

                haha

                dotdotdot

                1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                • E Offline
                  Ecuadorian
                  last edited by 28 Mar 2009, 19:49

                  http://roflrazzi.wordpress.com/files/2009/03/celebrity-pictures-oompah-loompas.jpg

                  http://roflrazzi.wordpress.com/files/2009/03/celebrity-pictures-burger-king-child-vegetarian.jpg

                  -Miguel Lescano
                  Subscribe to my house plans YouTube channel! (30K+ subs)

                  1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                  • daleD Offline
                    dale
                    last edited by 29 Mar 2009, 01:30

                    @gaieus said:

                    Some human statistics

                    [*]If you are a man, you are still comparing your penis to your thumb.[/list]

                    I wonder if that is thumbs up or thumbs down ....

                    Just monkeying around....like Monsanto

                    1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                    • daleD Offline
                      dale
                      last edited by 2 Apr 2009, 14:11

                      A  successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted  wife.
 She was a very good-looking  woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about  ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch  hand.

                      Two cowboys applied for the  job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard  about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy,  figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the  drunk.
 He proved to be a hard worker  who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
                      For  weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very  well. 
Then one day, the rancher's  widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the  ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your  heels.'  
The hired hand readily agreed  and went into town one Saturday  night.

                      One o'clock came, however, and  he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned  around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's  widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for  him.

                      She quietly called him over to  her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it  off,' she said.  Trembling, he did as she  directed. 
'Now take off my  boots.'
                      He did as she asked, ever so  slowly. 
Now  take off my stockings.'
                      He removed each gently and placed them neatly  by her boots.
                      
'Now take off my  skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes  in the fire  light. 
                      
'Now take off my  bra.'
                      Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and  dropped it to the  floor.

                      Then she looked at him and  said,
                      'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're  fired.'

                      (I didn't see it coming either)

                      Just monkeying around....like Monsanto

                      1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                      • boofredlayB Offline
                        boofredlay
                        last edited by 2 Apr 2009, 18:23

                        🤣

                        http://www.coroflot.com/boofredlay

                        1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                        • MALAISEM Offline
                          MALAISE
                          last edited by 3 Apr 2009, 11:58

                          You have to read the whole story to discover the fall down (That's we say in french !) 🤣

                          A short one :

                          A well known entomologist is facing students, and tries to explain them that insect's ears are localized on legs. In order to demonstrate that fact, he takes a domesticated wing's less fly, cuts 2 of its 6 legs and asks it to jump. The animal does a small jump, our scientist corroborates the link between legs and ears. To be absolutely sure, he takes out a second pair of legs and the fly jumps shortly less than previously.. and so on. At the end, the fly is lying legless on the table,and can't move despite the order given to jump that leads our
                          professor to infer that fly without legs are deaf.

                          MALAISE

                          La Connaissance n'a de valeur que partagée

                          1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                          • S Offline
                            solo
                            last edited by 9 May 2009, 14:40

                            Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them..

                            He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
                            Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

                            Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

                            There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
                            He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

                            http://www.solos-art.com

                            If you see a toilet in your dreams do not use it.

                            1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                            • D Offline
                              david_h
                              last edited by 21 May 2009, 22:03

                              In a small quaint picturesque Village, in some Small Picturesque European country a group of Kindly, jovial rotund monks established a monestary. To sustain themselves they would grow and sell beautiful flowers and vegatables of all varieties. Exotic Varieties, that the villagers had never seen before and were just completely Enchanted by.

                              One day, one of the monks, a Brother Dominic developed a new exotic flower with a heavenly aroma and beautiful colors, and it was of an ENOURMOUS size. The teacher of the local school brought all the village children to the monestary to gaze in wonderment at this spectacular new creation. Unfortunately, the flower blossom leaned over and GOBBLED up all the village children. IT WAS A MAN-EATING PLANT!!!!

                              With pitchforks and Torches in hand a group of parents came to drive the monks away, but they too were eaten by this hideous monster plant. ATtempt after attempt of the locals to drive these wicked monks from the village failed. IT was getting out of control!!!

                              So the Burgermeisters and Town Counselours got together and decided to send the toughest burliest man in the village to deal with the threat. Hugh, the village Blacksmith. With tools and weapons in hand, he Hewed down the beast and drove the evil Monks from the Village forever. So it only goes to show. . .

                              wait for it. . .

                              Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars. 🤣

                              If I make it look easy...It is probably easy

                              1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                              • ToboboT Offline
                                Tobobo
                                last edited by 22 May 2009, 07:44

                                😒 😳

                                I'm embarrassed for you

                                Toby

                                Philippians 4:13

                                I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

                                1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                • D Offline
                                  david_h
                                  last edited by 23 May 2009, 19:29

                                  hey . .. now THAT"S Comedy!

                                  Actually I heard that one when I was about 9 years old. 💚

                                  If I make it look easy...It is probably easy

                                  1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                  • Dave RD Offline
                                    Dave R
                                    last edited by 6 Jul 2009, 02:51

                                    A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

                                    The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

                                    “Tell me,” said he, “if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?’

                                    The inmate said, “It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful.”

                                    “Marvelous,” said the head of the institution.

                                    “Or else,” ruminated the inmate. “I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one’s life in bringing up a new generation of scientists.”

                                    “Absolutely,” said the head.

                                    “Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution.”

                                    “An interesting possibility,” said the head.

                                    “And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.”

                                    Etaoin Shrdlu

                                    %

                                    (THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE)

                                    G28 X0.0 Y0.0 Z0.0

                                    M30

                                    %

                                    1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                    • boofredlayB Offline
                                      boofredlay
                                      last edited by 24 Sept 2009, 04:19

                                      CONFESSION

                                      'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a
                                      loose girl'.

                                      The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

                                      'Yes, Father, it is.'

                                      'And who was the girl you were with?'

                                      'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

                                      'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

                                      'I cannot say.'

                                      'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

                                      'I'll never tell.'

                                      'Was it Nina Capelli?'

                                      'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

                                      'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

                                      'My lips are sealed.'

                                      'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

                                      'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

                                      The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.

                                      But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and
                                      behave yourself.'

                                      Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

                                      'Four months vacation and five good leads.

                                      http://www.coroflot.com/boofredlay

                                      1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                      • R Offline
                                        remus
                                        last edited by 24 Sept 2009, 09:04

                                        😆

                                        http://remusrendering.wordpress.com/

                                        1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                        • D Offline
                                          d12dozr
                                          last edited by 28 Oct 2009, 02:11

                                          Q. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

                                          A. A roaming catholic 😄

                                          3D Printing with SketchUp Book
                                          http://goo.gl/f7ooYh

                                          1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                          • 1
                                          • 2
                                          • 13
                                          • 14
                                          • 15
                                          • 16
                                          • 17
                                          • 31
                                          • 32
                                          • 15 / 32
                                          • First post
                                            Last post
                                          Buy SketchPlus
                                          Buy SUbD
                                          Buy WrapR
                                          Buy eBook
                                          Buy Modelur
                                          Buy Vertex Tools
                                          Buy SketchCuisine
                                          Buy FormFonts

                                          Advertisement