Joke time in the new bar!Posted: Wed May 16, 2007 2:02 pm
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A China Man walks in to a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bar man says "Where'd you get that"?
"China, there's bloody millions of them over there" the parrot replies. -
Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that
can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.The iTit will cost $499 to $599 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always
complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. -
Alan, that is freaking hilarious! good on ya.
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Very hostile farmer
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."
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A couple was in marriage counseling, and the husband was being passive-agressive; he was sitting down, arms folded, saying nothing.
The wife was standing, yelling at him, cursing at him, calling him every name in the book.
When the therapist had had enough, he stood and walked to the woman, took her in his arms and planted a 45-second french kiss. The woman sat down, bleary-eyed and speechless.
The therapist turned to the man and said, "That's what she needs, twice a week."
The man said, "I can have here on Tuesdays and Wednesdays
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Dirty Super Hero joke...
Superman was out one day flying around without much to do. As he flies over the Justice League, he notices Wonder Woman sunbathing naked on the roof!
Instantly turned on by this, and with nothing better to do, he figures he could fly down there in a flash and have his way with her so quickly she wouldn't know what hit her.
So Superman flies in, almost too fast to see, and wham-bam-thank-you-ma'm he does his best and zips away!
Wonder Woman bolts upright and says "Wow, what was that?!" ..to which the Invisible Man replies "I don't know, but my ass is KILLING ME!"
- CraigD (off duty)
- CraigD (off duty)
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The grandchild is on vacation at granny's
- Granny, have you seen my tablets? They say "extasy" written on them.
- Spare me with your tablets now, haven't you seen that dragon in the kitchen???
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba." -
The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.
Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex. -
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ". -
Late at night the telephone rings. The man picks it up sleepy and says:
- What do you want?
- Nothing.
- Then why are you calling at 2 in the morning???
- It's cheaper now...
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Two members of the "SketchUp Fit Club" are talking:
- "One apple a day keeps the doctor away..."
- Yeah, especially if you aim well...
(sorry guys there...
)
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