Do we have a JOKE THREAD here? (Part 3)
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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply.
The first man then asks: Where are you from?
I'm from Ireland, replies the second man.
The first man responds: You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.
Of Course, replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks:"Where in Ireland are you from?
Dublin, comes the reply.
I can't believe it, says the first man."I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.
Of course, replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you go to?
Saint Mary's, replies the second man. I graduated in 62.
This is unbelievable! the first man says. I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. What's been going on? he asks the bartender.
Nothing much, replies the bartender. The O'Malley twins are drunk again.
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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some
languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
"However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a
negative."A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
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Clever one, Joe!
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@joe wood said:
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some
languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."In Hungarian a double negative is still also negative - this is one of the things students can hardly get used to. (And of course in the "South" of the USA they very often use double negative, too, as I have a couple of friends from there...)
Good one!
A man sobering up from the night before was sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nodded off.
The priest had been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and was disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decided to make an example of him.
He said to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand." The whole room stood except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher said even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"
The weary man caught only the last part groggily stood up, only to find that he was the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he said, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing up for it!"
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Hey Daddy, come see the kittens!
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Pastor's Business Card
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it
seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated
knocks at the door.Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the
back of it and stuck it in the door.When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card
had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of
laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."Genesis 3:10 reads,
"I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked." -
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very g grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the blonde mortician returns her blank check.
"There's no charge," she says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."
"So I just switched the heads."
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When Joe found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but
in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million
dollars."Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days
later, she became his stepmother.Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
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@unknownuser said:
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a broken jack-in-the-box.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are dying for you to telephone them at four in the
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees, and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster, and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy
Why, I thought that - apart from this last one maybe...
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You can't read all of this and stay in a bad mood !
1 How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.-
How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way. -
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path -
How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It. -
What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam! -
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's -
What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.-
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.. -
What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk. -
What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite. -
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck. -
What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef. -
Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him. -
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers -
Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog. -
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19 What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.-
Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. -
What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .
22 How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divor ce The Same? !
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer -
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The Kidnapping
A blonde in financial trouble decided to raise money by kidnapping a child.
She went to a park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree, and wrote this note: "I kidnapped your child. I'm sorry, but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the statue in the park by 7 a.m.. Signed, A Blonde."
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park, and found a brown bag behind the statue with $10,000 in it.
Inside the bag, beside the cash, was another note: "Here's your money. I can't believe that one blonde would do this to another!"
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An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her,
"What did you steal?"She replied: "A can of peaches".
The judge asked her why she had stolen
them and she replied that she was hungry.The judge then asked her how many
peaches were in the can.She replied, "6".
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce
the punishment the woman's husband spoke
up and asked the judge if he could say something.He said, "What is it?"
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
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She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,'Thanks,'
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,'What was that all about?'
She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.' -
I haven't been following this thread closely, so I hope this isn't a repeat...
A 70yr old man goes to the doctor for a routine checkup and the doctor says "I have some bad news."
You have cancer and alzheimer's.
The man says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer." -
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart for Lizzie, our
wonderful yellow lab dog and was standing in line about to check out. A
woman behind me asked if I had a dog.First thing I thought was "where is your sign and white cane,
lady" but decided to go with it...SO....on impulse, I told her that no,
I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Weight Loss Diet
again. I said I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the
hospital the last time; but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in
both arms.I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet; and that the way
that it works is that you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is
nutritionally complete... so I was going to try it again.I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story to say the least. Totally horrified, the lady asked
if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her
no; I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's aRsE and a car hit us
both.I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack since he was
laughing so hard. Wal-Mart has asked me not to shop there anymore.... -
Announcing a new device: Basic Orderly Organised Knowledge (BOOK)
The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: No wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover!
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere - even sitting in an armchair by the fire - yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works...
Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half.
Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now BOOKs with more information simply use more pages. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile computing crowd.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish.
Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval. An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarks can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. T he number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform. Look for a flood of new titles soon.
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Isaac Asimov bit a much earlier skit on the newfangled 'Book' v. CD/computers... and he also did another on how to do even the most complex calculations with only a 'pencil and paper' - a revolutionary idea someone comes up with in a future society that's dominated by computers doing everything that has forgotten the 'basics'... the hero sees that if he copies the symbols on the monitor screen onto a flat surface (paper) with something that makes a mark (pencil) he can reproduce unique representations of his thoughts without a keyboard and manipulate numbers to get answers - he invents both writing and basic maths in one go ! ...
I am an avid IT geek and love stuff all like SUp, BUT I am amazed when youngsters in my office have to discover that after years at college there's a simple but magic tool that lets the ideas in their head flow down their arm and into their hand and from there onto a piece of paper - the "pencil" - so they can communicate with others AND themselves. That's not just any old pencil, but a proper trad wooden one that you have to sharpen... the hi-tech hypodermic-needle propellers and fine-liner pens don't hack it when you need to get simple idea out of your head into the real world...
SketchUp is the nearest I've found to a pencil in the IT world... BUT plain old pencils and paper still have their place...
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@unknownuser said:
"The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told
My husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the
hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,
The cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times.Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... Three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12
cuckoos--MIDNIGHT!)The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT.' He didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away
With that one!Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
Three times, then said, 'oh, s--t.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared
its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted'." -
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
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If you ever wondered who was your best friend, place both your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car. After 2 hours open the trunk and see who is most happy to see you.
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