Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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My problem with my original profession was that an archaeologist's career is always in ruins.
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Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
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Resist change at all costs. Round up to the next dollar.
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@unknownuser said:
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude."
"You must be an ARCHITECT," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "how did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a CONTRACTOR."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
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An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does". -
One day God calls down to Noah and says, “Noah me old China, I want you to make me a new Ark”.
Noah replies, “No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you’re the guv’… ”
But God interrupts, “Ah, but there’s a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other”.
“20 DECKS!”, screams Noah. “Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?”
“Yep, that’s right, well . .. Sort of right . . This time I want you to fill it up with fish”, God answers.
“Fish?”, queries Noah “Yep, fish . . Well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp – wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!”
Noah looks to the skies. “OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?”
“Check”.
“With 20 decks, one on top of the other?”.
“Check”.
“And you want it full of Carp?”.
“Check”
“Why?” asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..
“Dunno”, says God, “I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark”.
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There was an old woman from Belize
Who orgasmed each time she'd sneeze
Even ice cream and cake
Made her quiver and shake
When they were ordered "with black pepper please!" -
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'
She replied, 'aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'and be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'no, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?
She replied, 'oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'and tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'
The Father said, 'that's wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'e's gone to Rome to blow out yer freakin' candle.' -
Copied and pasted just as I found it.
@unknownuser said:
Paddy and Mick walking down a street in London. Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said:
"Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, Look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent.'
'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.' says Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and ......."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well...yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How d' y' know dat?"
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."
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Rich and Mike will love this one!
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Once someone explains it to them a few times.
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Last year, after having dug to a depth of 5 metres, Canadian archaeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years.
They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago !Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 10 metres. Shortly afterwards, a story was published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire at a depth of 10 metres, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians" !A week later, Belfast authorities reported the following:
"After digging to a depth of 20 metres in BELFAST , Jack Arkwright, self-taught archaeologist reported that he had found, "absolutely fuck all" !
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, N. IRELAND had already gone wireless" !Just makes you bloody proud doesn’t it !
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.' -
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Some Guinness was spilled on the barroom floor
when the pub was shut for the night.
Out of his hole crept a wee brown mouse
and stood in the pale moonlight.
He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor,
then back on his haunches he sat.
And all night long you could hear him roar,
'Bring on the goddam cat!' -
Copied and pasted as I found it.
Letter from an Irish Mother to her Son
Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.
You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.
Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Your loving Mum.
P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.
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Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday." -
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Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Tony looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?''That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again'Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
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