Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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Bubba rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Bubba, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
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Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
Dear Desperate:
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as Boob Job 3.6D and that old standby...Lingerie 6.9 (which have both been credited with improved performance of his hardware).
Good Luck,
Tech Support
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Monica Lewinsky Update
After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked
in a mirror...remembering her time with Bill Clinton.Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...
"God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.And just like that, her ears fell off!
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Did you hear about the tragic fire at the shoe factory?
500 soles were lost.
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Hope this wasn't already posted ...
*A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" she asked.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing is an hour fast."*
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Not a joke so much as just a question: from a writer I enjoy reading. . .
"Why did the explorers who discovered King Kong make such a huge deal about a big gorilla but not care one bit that they also found a thriving dinosaur population? hmmm .
**Guy 1: Oh my heck!! Look at the huge monkey!
Guy 2: Where!?!
Guy 1: Over there, behind that herd of brontosauruses, just to the right of the T-Rex.
Guy 2: oh yeah. . .Cool!
Guy 1: Hey! Let's kill all these pesky dinosaurs so we can capture the gorilla and we'll make a fortune when we bring it back to New York City.**
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Ryanair's Micheal O'Leary arrives in a hotel in Dublin, he goes to the bar and asks for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"
"That is remarkable value" Michael comments
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours.
That will be 3 euro please.
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. - You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."
"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of ā¬4.00 for your seat sir"
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."
O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.
"Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"
"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"
"I will never use this bar again
"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro" -
There once was a man named McVee
Who was stung in the balls by a bee.
He made loads of money
By oozing out honey
Every time he attempted to pee. -
A man happens upon an interestingly shaped bottle along the beach. With great curiosity he opens the bottle, and a genie wafts out of it. The genie tells the man that his release from the bottle entitles him to only one wish and that he should be very wise in his request.
The man thinks it over and asks the genie for a bridge from Los Angeles, California to Hawaii, since he is terrified of both air and boat travel. The genie responds with astonishment at the request. He goes on to tell the man that the engineering for such a project is so complex, the piers would need to be miles tall and the road deck designed to withstand the greatest of forces.
The genie decides to allow the man another wish since his request was impossible. The man ponders his good fortune and decides on the re-wish. He asks the genie to help him understand women.
The genie without missing a beat replies, "What color do you want that bridge?"
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Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Police Force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?
"The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,"This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.""The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said,"Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses." -
You: hi
Stranger: hi
You: name?
Stranger: chun wu, at your service
You: alexander goldberg
Stranger: sup
You: u knoā¦ i never forgave u koreans for attacking pearl harbour
Stranger: uhh?... im chineseā¦ and that was the japanese who attacked it
You: chinese, japanese, korean ā¦ whats the difference
Stranger: ā¦ā¦.
Stranger: u serious?
You: yeah
Stranger: ā¦ā¦
Stranger: u kno i never forgave u jews for sinking the titanic
You: that was an icegerg
Stranger: goldberg, greenberg, iceberg. whats the difference! -
Bert and Peg had been married for 60 years, but then Bert dies and Peg goes to see him at the Undertakers.
"I've done him up really nice", says the mortician, and indeed, Bert did look better than he had for some time, dressed in a smart black suit."He looks lovely", says Peg, "but Bert's favourite colour was blue. I think he'd really like to be buried in a blue suit. Can you sort that out for me? It doesn't matter what it costs, I'd like a top-quality blue suit to send him off in."
And so, a couple of days later, Peg goes back to the Undertakers and there is Bert, still looking lovely, in the most beautiful but expensive blue suit.
"Oh that is just perfect", says Peg, "It must have cost the earth, but it doesn't matter, only the best for my Bert."
"Oh it didn't cost anything", says the mortician.
"Really? How come?"
"Well, you see", says the mortician, "Yesterday a gentleman came in to us wearing just the sort of suit you asked for. He was exactly the same size and build as your Bert.
"So I just swapped heads."
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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
When the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,
And accidentally poops in the bed.The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
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I was sitting with the wife watching one of her "educational and informative" programs on the TV some time back. It was some gibberish psycho babble delving into the phenomenon of "Mixed Emotions".
She's sitting there soaking all this rubbish up, as they do, and I'd finally had enough. I turned to her and clearly showing my superior intellect and deeper understanding of what complete and utter rubbish it all was I said, "What a load of crap this is, Go on, I bet you my left bollock you can't say something here and now that can make me happy and sad at the same time!?"After a brief pause she replied "Out of all your family and friends, you do have the biggest dick."
I don't watch TV any more, I know she is after the matched pair.
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Two men are talking...
- My wife left me with my best friend, Fred.
- I didn't know Fred's your best friend!
- Now he already is.
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As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauperās cemetery. As I was not familiar with the area I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didnāt know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like Iāve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played āAmazing Grace,ā the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, āI never seen nothinā like that before and Iāve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.ā
Apparently, I'm still lost....
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This guy is awakened in the middle of the night by a knock on the door. He answers the door and there is a man standing there saying āCan you help me, I need a pushā. He turned around, closed the door and returned to bed. As he gets back in bed, his wife says āWho was that?ā. He explains what happened and she says āYou have to go help him. Remember when we got help from the stranger last year? This is payback.ā So he gets back out of bed, gets dressed and goes down stairs. When he opens the door there is no one there. So he yells out āHey mister, you still there? Do you still need help? The man replies āYeah, I still need a push, I am over here on the swing setā.
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Just to remind you the wonderful Douglas Adams "So long and thanks for all the fish" book
"They found a patch of grass which was relatively free of couples actually lying on top of each other and sat and watched the stunning ducks and the low sunlight rippling on the water which ran beneath the stunning ducks.
"A story," said Fenchurch, cuddling his arm to her.
"Which will tell you something of the sort of things that happen to me. Itās absolutely true."
"You know sometimes people tell you stories that are supposed to be something that happened to their wifeās cousinās best friend, but actually probably got made up somewhere along the line."
"Well, itās like one of those stories, except that it ac- tually happened, and I know it actually happened, because the person it actually happened to was me."
"Like the raffle ticket."
Arthur laughed. "Yes. I had a train to catch," he went on. "I arrived at the station ..."
"Did I ever tell you," interrupted Fenchurch, "what happened to my parents in a station?"
"Yes," said Arthur, "you did." "Just checking."
Arthur glanced at his watch. "I suppose we could think of getting back," he said.
"Tell me the story," said Fenchurch firmly. "You arrived at the station."
"I was about twenty minutes early. Iād got the time of the train wrong. I suppose it is at least equally possible," he added after a momentās reflection, "that British Rail had got the time of the train wrong. Hadnāt occurred to me before."
"Get on with it." Fenchurch laughed.
"So I bought a newspaper, to do the crossword, and went to the buffet to get a cup of coffee."
"You do the crossword?"
"Yes."
"Which one?"
"The Guardian usually."
"I think it tries to be too cute. I prefer the Times. Did you solve it?"
"What?"āØ"The crossword in the Guardian."
"I havenāt had a chance to look at it yet," said Arthur, "Iām still trying to buy the coffee."
"All right then. Buy the coffee."
"Iām buying it. I am also," said Arthur, "buying some biscuits."
"What sort?" "Rich Tea." "Good choice."
"I like them. Laden with all these new possessions, I go and sit at a table. And donāt ask me what the table was like because this was some time ago and I canāt remember. It was probably round."
"All right."
"So let me give you the layout. Me sitting at the table. On my left, the newspaper. On my right, the cup of coffee. In the middle of the table, the packet of biscuits."
"I see it perfectly."
"What you donāt see," said Arthur, "because I havenāt mentioned him yet, is the guy sitting at the table already. He is sitting there opposite me."
"Whatās he like?"
"Perfectly ordinary. Briefcase. Business suit. He didnāt look," said Arthur, "as if he was about to do anything weird."
"Ah. I know the type. What did he do?"
"He did this. He leaned across the table, picked up the packet of biscuits, tore it open, took one out, and ..."
"What?"
"Ate it."
"What?"
"He ate it."
Fenchurch looked at him in astonishment. "What on Earth did you do?"
"Well, in the circumstances I did what any red- blooded Englishman would do. I was compelled," said Arthur, "to ignore it."
"What? Why?"
"Well, itās not the sort of thing youāre trained for is it? I searched my soul, and discovered that there was nothing anywhere in my upbringing, experience or even primal instincts to tell me how to react to someone who has quite simply, calmly, sitting right there in front of me, stolen one of my biscuits."
"Well, you could ..." Fenchurch thought about it. "I must say Iām not sure what I would have done either. So what happened?"
"I stared furiously at the crossword," said Arthur. "Couldnāt do a single clue, took a sip of coffee, it was too hot to drink, so there was nothing for it. I braced myself. I took a biscuit, trying very hard not to notice," he added, "that the packet was already mysteriously open ..."
"But youāre fighting back, taking a tough line."
"After my fashion, yes. I ate the biscuit. I ate it very deliberately and visibly, so that he would have no doubt as to what it was I was doing. When I eat a biscuit," Arthur said, "it stays eaten."
"So what did he do?"
"Took another one. Honestly," insisted Arthur, "this is exactly what happened. He took another biscuit, he ate it. Clear as daylight. Certain as we are sitting on the ground."
Fenchurch stirred uncomfortably.
"And the problem was," said Arthur, "that having not said anything the first time, it was somehow even more difficult to broach the subject the second time around. What do you say? āExcuse me ... I couldnāt help noticing, er ...ā Doesnāt work. No, I ignored it with, if anything, even more vigour than previously."
"My man ..."
"Stared at the crossword, again, still couldnāt budge a bit of it, so showing some of the spirit that Henry V did on St Crispinās Day ..."
"What?"
"I went into the breach again. I took," said Arthur, "another biscuit. And for an instant our eyes met."
"Like this?"
"Yes, well, no, not quite like that. But they met. Just for an instant. And we both looked away. But I am here to tell you," said Arthur, "that there was a little electricity in the air. There was a little tension building up over the table. At about this time."
"I can imagine."
"We went through the whole packet like this. Him, me, him, me ..."
"The whole packet?"
"Well it was only eight biscuits but it seemed like a lifetime of biscuits we were getting through at this point. Gladiators could hardly have had a tougher time."
"Gladiators," said Fenchurch, "would have had to do it in the sun. More physically gruelling."
"There is that. So. When the empty packet was lying dead between us the man at last got up, having done his worst, and left. I heaved a sigh of relief, of course. As it happened, my train was announced a moment
or two later, so I finished my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper ..."
"Yes?"
"Were my biscuits."
"What?" said Fenchurch. "What?"
"True."
"No!" She gasped and tossed herself back on the grass laughing." -
Great book!
That is very typical of something that I would do, BTW. Well, I don't eat "biscuits", but cookies would be likely.Another of my favorites, is the Electric Monk, from Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency. A little long to post here, but here's a link to the bit about the Electric Monk:
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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
āRome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome, so how are you getting there?" "We're taking British Airways," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks itās gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser, you and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a Ā£5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who the firk did your hair?ā
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