Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?

mateo soletic

An old man walked into the confessional at the cathedral and said to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest replied, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

The priest paused, and then asked, "So then, why are you telling me?"

"Hey, I'm telling everybody."

boofredlay

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids".

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher'.

tomsdesk

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? "Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the backside sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

mateo soletic

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You’re Drunk:

Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You’re Drunk:

Specificity
Anti-constitutionalistically
Passive-aggressive disorder
Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You’re Drunk:

Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me!
Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
Taco Bell? No thanks, I’m not hungry.
Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
I’m not interested in fighting you.
Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!
Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

tomsdesk

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful and things go from bad-to-worse when one wing is
struck
by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in
the front of the plane and wails "I'm too young to die!" Then she yells,

"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a
WOMAN?"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare .. riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
plane.

Then, a cowboy from Oklahoma stands up in the rear of the plane. He is
handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He
starts
to walk slowly up the aisle ... unbuttoning his shirt.

One button at a time........
No one moves.................
He removes his shirt................
Muscles ripple across his chest..........
She gasps...................................
He whispers......................................

"Iron this ... then get me a beer."

boofredlay

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'
But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."

tomsdesk

Why men don't write advice columns...

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs.. Sheila Usk

====================

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

Gaieus

The kid sits too much in front of the computer. The father complains:

When Abraham Lincoln was at your age, he was sitting in front of the fireplace doing his homework!
The kid:
When Abraham Lincoln was at your age however, he was the president of the United States.

pav_3j

(first the really bad one)

i was walking through my local town yesterday, when a man jumped on me, pinned me to the floor, cut the bottom of my trousers off and threw them into the local library.

that was a turn-up for the books

(my favourite one next)

why don't boxers have sex before a fight?

they don't fancy each other.

apologies for both of those

pav

idraft

Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love.
When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weigh to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on.
He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table.

Daniel

(I hope I do this justice in retelling it. Characters can be changed to fit the times, but I like these)

President Bush made a state visit to Britain, and while there met the queen. Fawning all over her, Bush ask "your majes...majes...majesticallness...you've been queen so long and your so wise and smart. Tell me, how do you do it?"

"It's quite easy, Mr. President." the queen replied. "We appoint only smart people."

"But how can you tell if they are smart?" asked Dubya.

"We have the 'family riddle' with which to test them" the queen informed him.

"The family riddle? What's that?"

Queen Elizabeth turned to a nearby footman and ordered him to find Prime Minister Tony Blair and request he wait on her. Shortly, Tony Blair presented himself in front of the queen. "Your majesty?"

"Mr. Blair" the queen said to him, "your parents have a child. It is neither your brother nor your sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair smiled. "That is easy, your majesty. That would be me."

With his new-found insight, George Bush made it back to the White House. Donald Rumsfeld met with him and asked him how it went, and Dubya told him all about his meeting with the queen, including the 'family riddle'. "What's that?" asked the secretary of defense.

"Your mama and daddy have a kid. It's not your sister and it's not your brother. Who is it?"

Stumped, but not wanting to appear as if he didn't know, Donald Rumsfeld said "Hmmmmm, I'm busy right now. Let me think on it and I will get back with you."

Later that day Rumsfeld sees Colin Powell and decides to ask him the riddle. "Why, that would be me, of course" Powell replied, wondering to himself why he worked with such idiots.

Rumsfeld ran to the oval office. "Mr. President! Mr. President! I know the answer! If my parents have a child and it's neither my brother or sister, it's Colin Powell!"

Laughing, George Bush replied "Wrong, dummy! It's Tony Blair!"

remus

2 men and a woman have made it to the final stage of CIA selection to become an assassin.

They say to the first bloke, your wifes in the next room, we need you to go and shoot her. Im sorry, the bloke replies, i cant do it...i just cant.

Then to the next bloke: we need you to go in to the next room and kill your wife, so the man goes in, but 5 minutes later he comes out in a fit of tears. im sorry he says, i cant do it.

Then its the womans turn, and before the door has even closed they hear 6 shots fired of in quick succesion, theres a big struggle with a lot of fighting but eventually the woman emerges...

You could have told me they were blanks, i had to beat the bastard to death with a chair leg.

Joe Wood

There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who naturally was very interested in making a buck wherever he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.

Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

boofredlay

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.
' Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.
'We were just p laying 'church' mommy, ' he said. 'And I was just baptizing him.
....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.'

boofredlay

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool

How do trumpet players greet each other?
Hi, I am better than you.

How can you tell if an orchestra stage is level?
Drool is coming out of both corners of a viola player's mouth.

How are an orchestra and a bull different?
A bull has horns in the front and an a$$ in the back.

What do you do when a music graduate comes to your door?
Pay for the pizza.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
The doorbell drags.

How can you make a trumpet sound like a french horn?
Put your hand in the bell and miss a bunch of notes.

How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.

Two trumpet players walk past a bar...
...well, it could happen.

dazza

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you but, listen very, very closely......

Are - my - test - results - back?