Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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2 men and a woman have made it to the final stage of CIA selection to become an assassin.
They say to the first bloke, your wifes in the next room, we need you to go and shoot her. Im sorry, the bloke replies, i cant do it...i just cant.
Then to the next bloke: we need you to go in to the next room and kill your wife, so the man goes in, but 5 minutes later he comes out in a fit of tears. im sorry he says, i cant do it.
Then its the womans turn, and before the door has even closed they hear 6 shots fired of in quick succesion, theres a big struggle with a lot of fighting but eventually the woman emerges...
You could have told me they were blanks, i had to beat the bastard to death with a chair leg.
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There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who naturally was very interested in making a buck wherever he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.
Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
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After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.
' Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.
'We were just p laying 'church' mommy, ' he said. 'And I was just baptizing him.
....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.' -
What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
DroolHow do trumpet players greet each other?
Hi, I am better than you.How can you tell if an orchestra stage is level?
Drool is coming out of both corners of a viola player's mouth.How are an orchestra and a bull different?
A bull has horns in the front and an a$$ in the back.What do you do when a music graduate comes to your door?
Pay for the pizza.How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
The doorbell drags.How can you make a trumpet sound like a french horn?
Put your hand in the bell and miss a bunch of notes.How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.Two trumpet players walk past a bar...
...well, it could happen. -
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet.'He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other.Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!'The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you but, listen very, very closely......Are - my - test - results - back?
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Couldn't resist posting this ..
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disgustng joke alert
What do you call a fat chick with a yeast infection?
A whopper with cheese.
(i feel soiled now)
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As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=CnimqqWcqQU
Regards,
Bob -
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals"
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch?"
"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook." -
A young guy from Montana moves to Seattle and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Montana "
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Cruise Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
BOAT and a TRUCK?"The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife", and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing!"
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John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), also called 'pullets,' and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilized eggs. The farmer kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen. But on this particular morning, John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all.John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets all over the place with bells-a-ringing. The pullets, upon hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair, and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result... The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly
coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible.
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In English class one morning Mrs O'Connor asks her 7 year old pupils to use the word "Contagious" in A sentence.
Mary puts up her hand and says "My mammy wouldn't let my sister come to school today because she has chicken pox and is contagious".
"Very good Mary", says Mrs O'Connor. "Anyone else?"
Steven puts up his hand and says "I wasn't allowed to visit my cousin in hospital because my daddy said he was contagious".
"Well done Steven", says Mrs O'Connor. "One more?"
Little Jimmy puts up his hand and says "My mammy won't send my daddy to the shops because she says it takes the contagious".
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a little Local Humor for you guys. . .
If Three BYU Coeds are standing on top of the Marriott Center (huge sports arena), A blonde, A Brunette and A Redhead, which would fall first?
The Marriott Center
What's the difference between a Univ of UTAH wedding and a BYU wedding?
UTAH wedding.. .the bride is pregnant. .
BYU wedding . .. the bride's mother is pregnant.
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The dog food diet
I was buying Oscar a large bag of Purina Dog Chow at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?
Anyway, being my usual jerk, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I had lost 50 pounds before and wanted to give it another try, even though I had awakened in an intensive care ward with IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets, then simply eat one or two whenever you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, and it's the only diet that has ever worked for me.
By this time, practically everyone in the line was listening. The woman asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish setter's butt and a car hit us both.
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AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that
I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas
station...And then the fight started....
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too.'And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.''My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
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If a turtle loses its shell is it naked or homeless?
If fire fighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight???
If nothing sticks to teflon, then how do they make teflon stick to the pan?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear seatbelts?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If love is blind, then why is lingere so popular?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If a black box flight recorder is never damaged in a plane crash, why dont they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within 5 kilometers of home, then why doesnt every one just move 5 k's away?
Why are psychics still working if they all know the winning lottery numbers?
If you try to fail, but you succeed, which have you done? -
@unknownuser said:
If a turtle loses its shell is it naked or homeless?
As far as the Turtle is concerned. . .it's all semantics.
just ask this guy.
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Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
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