Do we have a Joke Thread goin here?
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(first the really bad one)
i was walking through my local town yesterday, when a man jumped on me, pinned me to the floor, cut the bottom of my trousers off and threw them into the local library.
that was a turn-up for the books
(my favourite one next)
why don't boxers have sex before a fight?
they don't fancy each other.
apologies for both of those
pav
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Baked Beans
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love.
When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weigh to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on.
He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table. -
(I hope I do this justice in retelling it. Characters can be changed to fit the times, but I like these)
President Bush made a state visit to Britain, and while there met the queen. Fawning all over her, Bush ask "your majes...majes...majesticallness...you've been queen so long and your so wise and smart. Tell me, how do you do it?"
"It's quite easy, Mr. President." the queen replied. "We appoint only smart people."
"But how can you tell if they are smart?" asked Dubya.
"We have the 'family riddle' with which to test them" the queen informed him.
"The family riddle? What's that?"
Queen Elizabeth turned to a nearby footman and ordered him to find Prime Minister Tony Blair and request he wait on her. Shortly, Tony Blair presented himself in front of the queen. "Your majesty?"
"Mr. Blair" the queen said to him, "your parents have a child. It is neither your brother nor your sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair smiled. "That is easy, your majesty. That would be me."
With his new-found insight, George Bush made it back to the White House. Donald Rumsfeld met with him and asked him how it went, and Dubya told him all about his meeting with the queen, including the 'family riddle'. "What's that?" asked the secretary of defense.
"Your mama and daddy have a kid. It's not your sister and it's not your brother. Who is it?"
Stumped, but not wanting to appear as if he didn't know, Donald Rumsfeld said "Hmmmmm, I'm busy right now. Let me think on it and I will get back with you."
Later that day Rumsfeld sees Colin Powell and decides to ask him the riddle. "Why, that would be me, of course" Powell replied, wondering to himself why he worked with such idiots.
Rumsfeld ran to the oval office. "Mr. President! Mr. President! I know the answer! If my parents have a child and it's neither my brother or sister, it's Colin Powell!"
Laughing, George Bush replied "Wrong, dummy! It's Tony Blair!"
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2 men and a woman have made it to the final stage of CIA selection to become an assassin.
They say to the first bloke, your wifes in the next room, we need you to go and shoot her. Im sorry, the bloke replies, i cant do it...i just cant.
Then to the next bloke: we need you to go in to the next room and kill your wife, so the man goes in, but 5 minutes later he comes out in a fit of tears. im sorry he says, i cant do it.
Then its the womans turn, and before the door has even closed they hear 6 shots fired of in quick succesion, theres a big struggle with a lot of fighting but eventually the woman emerges...
You could have told me they were blanks, i had to beat the bastard to death with a chair leg.
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There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who naturally was very interested in making a buck wherever he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.
Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
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After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.
' Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.
'We were just p laying 'church' mommy, ' he said. 'And I was just baptizing him.
....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.' -
What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
DroolHow do trumpet players greet each other?
Hi, I am better than you.How can you tell if an orchestra stage is level?
Drool is coming out of both corners of a viola player's mouth.How are an orchestra and a bull different?
A bull has horns in the front and an a$$ in the back.What do you do when a music graduate comes to your door?
Pay for the pizza.How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
The doorbell drags.How can you make a trumpet sound like a french horn?
Put your hand in the bell and miss a bunch of notes.How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.Two trumpet players walk past a bar...
...well, it could happen. -
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet.'He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other.Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!'The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you but, listen very, very closely......Are - my - test - results - back?
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Couldn't resist posting this ..
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disgustng joke alert
What do you call a fat chick with a yeast infection?
A whopper with cheese.
(i feel soiled now)
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As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=CnimqqWcqQU
Regards,
Bob -
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals"
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch?"
"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook." -
A young guy from Montana moves to Seattle and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Montana "
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Cruise Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
BOAT and a TRUCK?"The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife", and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing!"
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John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), also called 'pullets,' and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilized eggs. The farmer kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen. But on this particular morning, John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all.John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets all over the place with bells-a-ringing. The pullets, upon hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair, and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result... The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly
coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible.
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In English class one morning Mrs O'Connor asks her 7 year old pupils to use the word "Contagious" in A sentence.
Mary puts up her hand and says "My mammy wouldn't let my sister come to school today because she has chicken pox and is contagious".
"Very good Mary", says Mrs O'Connor. "Anyone else?"
Steven puts up his hand and says "I wasn't allowed to visit my cousin in hospital because my daddy said he was contagious".
"Well done Steven", says Mrs O'Connor. "One more?"
Little Jimmy puts up his hand and says "My mammy won't send my daddy to the shops because she says it takes the contagious".
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a little Local Humor for you guys. . .
If Three BYU Coeds are standing on top of the Marriott Center (huge sports arena), A blonde, A Brunette and A Redhead, which would fall first?
The Marriott Center
What's the difference between a Univ of UTAH wedding and a BYU wedding?
UTAH wedding.. .the bride is pregnant. .
BYU wedding . .. the bride's mother is pregnant.
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The dog food diet
I was buying Oscar a large bag of Purina Dog Chow at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?
Anyway, being my usual jerk, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I had lost 50 pounds before and wanted to give it another try, even though I had awakened in an intensive care ward with IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets, then simply eat one or two whenever you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, and it's the only diet that has ever worked for me.
By this time, practically everyone in the line was listening. The woman asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish setter's butt and a car hit us both.
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AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that
I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas
station...And then the fight started....
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too.'And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.''My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
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